A Voice

When I first left my marriage I had no confidence. In fact, I was absolutely terrified. The whole process of leaving felt as if I would die just from the terror of taking my children and leaving my home. That was when my sister told me a phrase that carried me through that time of life. She told me to be as strong as a lion yet calm as a summer breeze. Those words have stayed with me ever since that time, now over three and a half years ago. It became my mantra.

After my kids would be asleep I would often go in the bathroom to cry. In those moments I would hear my sister's voice reminding me, strong as a lion, calm as a summer breeze. It gave me strength and purpose. It helped me to realize that strength did not come from anger. Strength came from a calm assurance that I was doing what God wanted me to do. The lion has been slowly awakening within my soul, becoming part of who I am.

One of the struggles I have had to overcome through all this is feeling like my opinion doesn't matter, like my voice has no value. It is essential for all people everywhere to understand that they are important, that they have something to contribute, that they have a voice. People who experience abuse of any kind often shut down their truth in order to "not make waves" and keep themselves "safe." I have been learning that as long as I remember my sister's words that I can express myself safely. Removing anger from my voice allows me to leave behind the dragon's voice and be strong and confident in who I am.

We all have a story to tell. We all have our own experiences. I hope that what I am learning from my experiences can help others who have similar pain so they can find hope. Life is hard but God is good. He allows every one of us our agency to choose how we treat each other but he always provides a way to heal, not only from what we have done, but especially from what has been done to us.

A Voice
By Amy Tiare

The dragon’s voice

Spitting fire, spreading venom
Controlling, hurting
Overpowering my voice ‘til my voice no longer speaks
Have to appease the dragon
Wanting to be safe
Even the voice of a mouse can be too loud
‘Cause then the dragon can find me
So I leave
Find a new home away from the dragon
But the dragon’s words still find me
In the darkness of the night
In the quiet moments of the day
The dragon’s words still control
I try to speak, to rebuke the dragon
But there is no sound
There is no will
Only fear
Seeking
Digging within for the hidden words
A voice suddenly emerges
But not the voice I wanted
It is the dragon’s voice
Vicious, bitter, angry
No!!!!!
This is the voice I left
The voice I feared
But where do I run?
Where do I turn?
It comes from within
Confused, hurt
Surrendering
An image comes to mind
A lion stands
Bold, strong, true
The gentle summer’s breeze blowing his mane
His mouth opens and deep from within a sound is heard
Not mean or angry or vicious
But bold, strong, confident, fearless, powerful
As the sound intensifies
Something happens within me
From a very deep place, a very deep feeling
Reverberating, growing
The sound comes from my toes
Gathering strength and intensity
Travelling throughout my whole being until I can’t hold it back any longer
A roar
A roar like no other
Strong and bold as a lion
Yet calm as a summer’s breeze
My voice
My identity
Rebuking the dragon
Taking back what was once mine
Establishing boundaries
Speaking my truth
Standing in strength
Standing in peace
Coming alive
I have a voice

Faces of DV

The Faces of Domestic Violence

by Amy Tiare

You see me in the grocery store and you ask how my life is

I think, “I’m here to get away from my husband. His verbal abuse was more than I could take tonight.”

I smile and say, “Everything is fine.”

You see me in the park playing with my kids and ask how my day has gone

I think, “I can’t allow anyone to change my toddler’s diaper or they will find the bruises from their dad.”

I smile and say, “We’re happy to be at the park!”

You see me in church sitting with my husband and children

I think, “I hope I can hold back the tears so no one will ask me what’s wrong.”

I smile and sing the hymns of praise

You call me on the phone and ask how I am

I think, “I’ve lost all hope and I want to take my own life.”

I smile and say, “Oh, I’m fine. How are you?”

You come into my home and ask if there is anything you can do for me

I think, “Please, please, look into my eyes and see my pain!”

I smile and say, “No. I don’t need anything.”

You look into my eyes. You look deep into my soul.

I think, “No! NO! Please don’t see who I really am! I’m weak! I’ve lost myself! I have no power. . . Please, please, please, see what’s happening! Please, help me! Please, help me find a way out of this!!!”

I smile and say, “I can’t hide it anymore. Please help me out of this.”

You are surprised. You are shocked.

You think, “But you said everything was fine! You looked happy in church with your husband! You have been smiling every time I see you!”

You smile and say, “I’m here for you. Let’s get you some help.”

You see me in a domestic violence shelter and ask how I’m doing

I think, “Everything I have come to believe about myself is false and I’m having to redefine who I am.”

I smile and say, “I’m under construction.”

You see me out on my own, divorced, and struggling to support myself and my children

I think, “This is the hardest thing I have ever done! But I am free from the abuse and free to become who I want to be.”

I smile and say, “Thank you for seeing. Thank you for hearing. Thank you for giving me another option. Thank you for helping me take back my power.”

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Do you recognize the faces of domestic violence?

Choosing Life

I learned earlier today that someone I knew when I was growing up committed suicide. I have been thinking a great deal about this as it has caused me to remember my emotional struggles and desire for death at different times in my life. I don’t know if everyone has an experience at some point in their life where they wonder whether it really is worth it to keep living, but I know there have been many times in my own life where I have had to really work at finding a reason to live.

As a young child I had a traumatic experience that caused me to wish for death. I never told anyone how I was feeling because I didn’t want anyone to think less of me. My desire to die became such a dominant part of my life that, for a time, everywhere I looked and every object I saw caused thoughts of how I could kill myself. Luckily I had a very strong conscience and felt that the most important thing for my existence was to one day be able to stand before God. I felt that if I killed myself that I wouldn’t be worthy of that. For a while that thought kept me living.

Though the desire to die dominated my teen years, I never attempted suicide or told anyone that I was contemplating it. Later on, when I revealed to my mom that I had had suicidal thoughts she was totally shocked. She told me that I was a great actor because she would have never known.

The thoughts of killing myself came and went but the thoughts of dying were constant. I truly believed that I would not ever live to see my twenty-first birthday. It was around the time that I was fifteen that I finally decided that I was here on earth for a purpose so I needed to find reasons to live.

At first the only reason I could come up with to live was that I didn’t want to die a virgin and I was determined to wait until marriage for sex so I couldn’t die until I had gotten married. I was a teenager and that seemed to be a strong enough motivator to keep me going for a little while. And I figured that if I could stay alive that long then I would eventually find a better reason to live. Then the thought that I clung to was: if I were to die today I might miss out on some great thing that would have happened tomorrow if I would have just stayed alive for one more day. That thought got me through some very hard times.

Over time of looking for reasons to live I finally began to find some good things in life. I met some great people who were able to counsel and guide me. I got professional counseling. I served faithfully in my church. I kept living even though I wasn’t sure that I wanted to.

By the time I was in my early twenties, I was beginning to actually find joy in my life. I had lived to the ripe old age of twenty-one and actually wanted to keep living! As I continually searched for good things in life I actually began to feel joy in living! To celebrate my new-found excitement for life I went skydiving for my twenty-fourth birthday. It was amazing!

It was when I had finally learned to live that I met the man I would marry. I was so excited to find someone that I could share this life experience with. I was thrilled to have lived long enough to fulfill my dreams of becoming a wife and a mother. I was on my way to live “happily ever after.

I remember the first time I had a suicidal thought during my marriage. Our second child was around a month old. We had a huge fight, one of way too many, and I walked into the spare bedroom and thought, “The only way out is to die! I really want to die!” Those thoughts and feelings only lasted a few minutes. I recalled all that I had been through in my life, all that I had learned, all the hard work I had put into finding a reason to live and I was able to push that thought aside and tell myself, “No! The answer is not to die! The answer is to work through this!” So I went back to my husband and told him about my thought process. He did not respond in a helpful way at all. He yelled at me and said, “So you would rather die than be with me?!” I was devastated by his response. I had gone to him to stop the cycle, to ask for help, and to help him see how serious our problems were. I knew then that I could never die because I had to keep my children safe and give them a chance at life.

As the marriage got progressively worse I was able to successfully stay out of the thought process of wanting to die. I knew I had to protect the children and I couldn’t do that if I wasn’t around. It was the need to protect the children that finally brought me to the point of realizing that I had to leave the marriage. Even though I wasn’t consciously thinking about dying, I was dying a slow and painful death. Every day I could feel less and less. Every day I lost more and more contact with the true me. I was nothing but a shell.

So the process of finding a reason to live began once again. I knew that living for my children would only help me temporarily. I had to find something more concrete. I had to become my true self.

I received a great compliment this week. Someone at church observed that every week I appear to be getting stronger and stronger. I believe that is because I have decided to keep my power instead of giving it away and because I am learning to be true to myself. The more that I live true to myself, the more reasons I have to live. I no longer have to hang onto the hope that tomorrow will be better in order to live. I live because there are good things to experience right now! The choice to live is not something we make just once; we make it every day, with every breath. I choose to live!

While going through the struggles as a teenager I wrote a couple of songs that helped me process what I was feeling. The words are below.

To Live or to Die

by Amy Tiare

To live or to die is the question

I don’t know which one to choose

Part of me wants to give up now

Part of me wants to refuse

Each day I walk through this life of mine

Feeling so empty and lonely

There’s so many things I wish I could do

My life is filled with “if only’s”

I want to live

I want to find a reason to continue on with life

I want to breath in the air each morning with a grateful heart for life

Oh, how can I change my mind?

How can I live with this pain?

I’m Alive!

by Amy Tiare

I choose

As I wake up this morning to live

I choose

To live in joy and harmony

With each and every step that I take

I thank the Lord and this promise I make

That I will live in celebration of life

Remember my choice through the pain and the strife

I now choose to live

In celebration of life

I will stand tall

I will get up each time that I fall

With each passing day

I will grow stronger

I now choose to live

I’m alive!

I’m alive!

I am alive!

I celebrate this feeling inside!

I am alive!

The Choice

The Choice
by Amy Tiare

Sitting on a boat, storm raging all around
Wishing I could leave this place; wishing to be found
The evils of this world have brought me so much grief
It feels as if my heart and soul were stolen by a thief

Looking out across the waves the figure of a man
Walking calmly through the storm across the ocean span
Knowing there is only one who could perform this deed
I call out to the Savior, whose power I greatly need

I know He’s here to save me, in Him I have full trust
His love has always held me, His judgments always just
He bids for me to join Him; I leap out to the sea
I walk to Him, eyes fixed on His; I know I’ll soon be free

Then the wind blows harder, a wave wets my face
I look around and find myself in an awkward place
Overcome, I panic; fear fills my soul
Sinking in the water I lose sight of my goal

“My Savior, please help me!” I call out in despair
Immediately He grabs my hand in answer to my prayer
He pulls me close, looks in my eyes, and with a gentle voice
Reminds me that to float or sink is really just a choice

The storm will always be there; in this life it will not stop
Watching the waves will bring you down; faith raises you to the top
Keep your vision focused on the one who commands the sea
With His power you will be saved; your soul will be made free

Routines and Change

Oftentimes, routine can be a comfort, the one thing in life that you have control over, something you can depend on. But there is also a danger in routine. People have asked me why I stayed in an abusive relationship for as long as I did. If it was so bad then wouldn’t I have left sooner? Even though it was painful and difficult to be in the relationship, it was my routine. It was comfortable because it was predictable. If I left then I had no idea what life would be like. I knew what my basic day to day life would be in the relationship but leaving meant the unknown. Leaving meant having to find a new routine and that is scary. Changing a routine can feel so terrifying that it stops many people from moving forward.

 When my children and I finally got out on our own there were “routines” that I didn’t realize we had been participating in. There was the routine of losing total control of all emotions when doing homework or sitting down to a meal together. There was the routine of the children not recognizing me as an authority figure. There was the routine of not accepting help even when it was desperately needed. It took a long time to recognize and stop many of these negative routines. Some of them are still being worked on.

My family had to work very hard to re-pattern and change the things we no longer wanted to be a part of our lives. It seemed a never ending process. Luckily, with help from trusted family and friends, we were able to create a new life and work towards healing. I don’t believe that this process will ever truly end in this lifetime.

When I woke up yesterday morning I was contemplating, praying, meditating on my life and the things that I have been experiencing. It feels as if my family and I have discovered another danger to routines; we have become stuck in a rut. We found a routine that works for us, even though it is not ideal, and we repeat it day after day, week after week. I was praying about how I feel so ready for change and would like some direction on how to move forward.

As I lay in bed with these thoughts, I saw a scene in my mind’s eye. I saw a large banquet table, filled with all sorts of amazing food of every variety that could be imagined. I saw myself approach the table, fill my plate with a couple of things, then walk away to eat what I chose. A little while later I returned to the table and filled my plate with the exact same food as before and left to eat it. Again I returned to the table and filled my plate with the same food, nothing varying.

The thought then came to me that the table is full of a large variety of amazing food that I don’t even have to go looking for; it is all there before me. I just need to stop returning to the same spot on the table. All I needed to do was move a foot down and would have a whole new experience.

I am not one hundred percent certain how to fully integrate this realization into my life, but I do see that this particular rut is definitely self-made. I can easily change up our routine, spent our time differently, try new foods, go for walks, eat dinner outside, or many other, easy to do, things that will make life more interesting for all of us. The question I need to ask myself is: am I so comfortable in our routine that I will continue with it each day? Or am I to the point that the desire for change outweighs the fear of doing something different? I guess only time will tell.

Do you have routines in your life that are no longer serving you?

Battling Negative Messages

I recently had the opportunity to attend a single adult activity with a man that I had some interest in. He was someone easy to talk to and we had a lot in common. I was excited for this chance to spend some time with him as well as getting to know other single adults in the area.

When we got to the activity, something I was not prepared for emotionally took place. Another woman became very friendly and attentive to the man I was with! We were not there on a date so I just tried to back off and see what would happen and ended up spending a lot of the day watching this woman finding any excuse she could to make physical contact with the man. This created a lot of strange emotions and thoughts within me. Many of which centered around my self-worth and attractiveness.

Over the next few days as I reflected on the experience, many thoughts and negative messages ran through my mind that made me question my worth as a woman in the dating world. Maybe if I wore make-up I would have been more appealing. Maybe if I wore more trendy clothes or had my hair fixed nice he would have noticed me more. Maybe if I was more bubbly, less independent, or was more helpless then I would be more datable. Messages from when I was a late teen and in my early twenty’s came back to my mind. The main two being, “You are just too weird,” and, “Amy, you are the kind of girl a guy wants to marry, not the kind of girl a guy likes to date.” Yes, I was told those things.

I also had the negative messages from my marriage replay in my mind. I was not allowed to cut my hair during my marriage. One time I was sick of my hair so I cut it to shoulder length. I was told that my long hair had been the only thing that was helping my ex-husband see past my weight. I was only about a hundred and fifty-five pounds at the time. He assured me after several days of cooling down that even though I was hideous to look at that he still was willing to have sex with me. Lucky me… Thoughts about my weight and my need to have long hair in order to be attractive came back to me because of that experience at the single adult activity.

As the negative messages from the world and my past play in my mind, I have a choice. Continue to feed these messages by believing them and giving them power, or tell myself, “These words do not define me! These words are not who I am!” And then give myself some positive messages instead.

Yesterday when I got out of the shower I saw myself in the mirror. An interesting sequence of thoughts passed through my mind that, I felt, showed a positive change in dealing with negative messages and body image. When I saw myself I thought, “Wow, Amy! You look good!” Immediately following that was the thought, “Oh, man, Amy, you are fat!” Here is the thought that followed that caused me to feel like I have made progress, “I may be fat, but at least I look good fat!” I know that it still holds negative energy about how I feel about myself, but it showed me that I am on my way to accepting myself. Baby steps. ;)

As I sit here today, I have come to realize that no matter what situation I am in, no matter who I am around or who I want to impress, I will never walk away happy if I compromise who I am. I need to be myself no matter what. I have tried wearing make-up and don’t feel comfortable when I do, so I need to accept that about myself. Sometimes I like my hair long, sometimes I like it short. I shouldn’t feel like it has to be a certain way in order to have a man attracted to me. I am independent and really don’t “need” a man in my life. That is a wonderful thing in my mind. I don’t want a man who needs me to need him. I can be strong in who I am and hopefully one day I will be able to have a man who can be a companion in life. As far as my weight is concerned, I am a great person with a fun personality no matter what my size. When I am happy, I really am a very attractive person. :)

I am very grateful for the chance to learn about myself. Though at the time there were many awkward and uncomfortable feelings, I am glad to have reevaluated how I feel about myself and am ready to move forward with being more clear about who and what I am.

Completion of July Goal

Today is the end of the month which means I have reached the end of my July daily postings of my opinions and self-discoveries. When I first decided last year to do a month of self-discoveries I had no idea how much it would change me and how I look at life. This year has been much more challenging to complete. I can see a lot of growth in myself and can honestly say that I am not the same person I was a month ago. I desire to continue to learn and grow each day, even if I don't post about it everyday.

The trick to self-discovery isn’t to go out and read a lot of books or take a lot of classes, although those things can be good tools. The trick is to go about each day with the thought in mind, “What can I learn about myself today? What can I learn about myself in this situation?” Just a simple, conscious mindset can change the way you look at life and what you get out of each day.

I am grateful for the support I have received from so many people as I have gone through the last few years. Life can be so confusing and difficult, at times seemingly unbearable, but with love and support from the right people it is possible to get through anything. I am grateful today for my God who has never left me alone. I can look back and see His hand throughout every step of my life. I know that life’s challenges will never go away. I also know that no matter what happens, I have the freedom to choose how I will respond. I also know that I have support and help available at any moment.

What are you learning about yourself today?

Relationships

I have been contemplating relationships today. Relationships with children, parents, siblings, significant others, friends. I wonder why some relationships are easy and others are so much more difficult. Growing up I had only a few problems with relationships. There were only a couple of people that I struggled with. I wasn’t one of those people who had love/hate relationships with friends. I got along with most everybody.

Since my divorce, my relationships with people has changed drastically. As things got nasty throughout the divorce I pulled away from most people that I had known while being married. I had people who had once been friendly to me turn their backs on me. I think most of that was because people just simply didn’t know how to respond. I found myself inwardly questioning every person that was in my life. What was their purpose in my life? Could they be trusted? Did I need to be superficial or could I share how I truly was doing? For the most part, other than my sister that lives nearby, I pulled away from everyone in my life.

Now that I am in the process of trying to be more engaged in life and have relationships again, I feel very nervous about the whole process. How do I set boundaries? How do I know how much of myself to reveal? How do I know who to trust? How do I stay true to myself and who I want to be no matter what? What is it I really want from friendships and relationships?

I think that the number one thing that I need in the relationships I have is respect. I need to know that the people around me respect who I am and that I have an opinion. I don’t need everyone to agree with me, I just need people to not try to change who I am to match what they want me to be. In my marriage I would be asked for my opinion and, if I would give one, would be lectured on why my opinion was wrong and that I really should think a different way. I really don’t want anyone in my life who feels that they need to change or control me. I only want God to tell me how I should change and who I should be.

I am not totally sure how to implement this in my life. I think the biggest thing is to make sure I continue to learn about myself and stay strong in who I am. I cannot allow a friend or a significant other to influence me to give up my true self. In my marriage I gave up my will to my husband. I gave up my identity to become what he shaped me to be. The true Amy not only got lost, but began to die. That is not something I am willing to experience again. I would rather be alone and friendless than do that. Luckily, I have some really amazing friends right now that would never treat me that way. Hopefully, as I continue to learn and grow, my friendships will only strengthen and my relationships will be beneficial to all involved.

Are you staying true to yourself in your relationships?

Creating My Day

This morning, after a very interrupted night’s sleep, I woke up with a very different question running through my mind. I thought, “What am I going to create today?” Usually when I wake up my thoughts center around what I need to do to get everyone out the door on time, what my schedule is, where each child needs to go, and many other things related to my day so this question took me by surprise. So much so that I had to contemplate for a bit before getting out of bed what this might mean.

For a long time I have been consciously working on choosing how I act rather than reacting. This has been a very challenging goal that I have a lot of work to do before I feel that I will be good at it. I think that the thought this morning goes right in line with this concept. Instead of letting life happen and reacting to it, I can choose what I want to create.

Today I wanted to create some order in the chaos of my home. Instead of just wishing things were organized or that my children would pick up things, I told my son we were going to work on cleaning and organizing his room. I went in and started moving things around. He became excited about getting things organized and got really involved in what I was doing. Instead of waiting for things to happen I created what I wanted.

I know that I will not always be capable of creating exactly what I want, but the more I am consciously creating my life, the more likely life will look the way I want it to. I feel that the greatest challenge is finding a way to align myself with God’s will so that I am creating my life the way God desires me to. The more I align myself to God, the happier I will be and the more peace I will be able to find each day.

What are you creating in your life?

Spending Time With the Kids

One of my struggles in life is taking time to spend with my kids. I can find so many things to do instead of spend time with them. Tonight I chose to leave the house a mess and jump in the pool with them for an hour before bed. It was so nice to have all four of them doing something together and having fun. It didn’t take a lot of effort, no extra money, and we were able to create good memories and build relationships with each other. It wasn’t argument free but overall we all enjoyed the time together.

So how do I find balance between doing what needs to get done and spending time with the kids? If I had patience I could involve them more in the work. ;) The real answer, I think, is to be more conscientious of what I am doing, make plans, schedule my time rather than fly by the seat of my pants. If I tell myself that I have an hour every night from 6:30 to 7:30 to do something with the kids and make that a priority, then I think all of us would be happier.

Being a single parent is probably one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. Having to make all the decisions without another adult to help, having to be on duty twenty-four hours a day for nightmares, sickness, loneliness, for the kids to tell jokes to, play with, report how school went, and the many, many other things that need to happen each day. There are times I wonder how I can continue to get up each morning and do it all by myself one more time. But as I pray, I find strength that I never knew I had. As I keep getting up and doing what needs to get done I feel support from a power greater than myself. And at the end of the day when I lay with my kids as they go to sleep, I feel their unspoken love and gratitude for me and that makes every bit of the struggle worthwhile.

What activities bring you closer to your family?

Out With the Old, In With the New

Tonight I was using visualization to help identify and release things in my body, mind, and spirit that are keeping me from reaching my highest potential. After doing some deep breathing and allowing myself to get in a relaxed state, I picked different things I wanted to release. I looked for anger, stubbornness, pride, bitterness, and any other things that popped into my head. I tried to imagine any place in my body that I might be hiding those things then I imagined pulling it completely out of my body and sending it to God’s light to be cleansed, purified, and recycled. I then imagined the pure light of Christ filling in all the spaces left behind in my being.

It was amazing how with each thing I released, I became lighter and it became easier to breath. I learned a lot about myself and where I store negative emotions. I learned that I have a lot of things to work on in myself. I also learned that I have a lot of control over my own growth and healing. When I remove the things holding me back and replace them with the light of Christ, I feel more capable and feel closer to God. It was a great experience!

It is so easy to go through each day thinking about all that needs to get done and forget to take time to improve myself. When I let too much time pass without self evaluation and processing emotions I get bogged down and begin to get depressed. I am grateful today that I had a little bit of time to do this exercise. I feel relaxed and renewed.

What emotions are holding you back from progressing?

Finding Wonder

I love to teach. I have the opportunity to teach the women’s organization in our church once a month. I always learn so much, both from studying for the lesson and from the comments of those who are in the class. There is something so magical about coming together with a group of like-minded people and sharing in a focused discussion.

Today one of the things we talked about was finding wonder in the gospel of Jesus Christ and how to keep that wonder and amazement alive. When we have something wonderful in front of us for a long period of time we start to lose that sense of amazement. It becomes commonplace. We forget the value of what we have.

I think that this principle applies to all aspects of life. When was the last time you laid on the grass and stared in amazement at the shapes of the clouds in the sky? Or when did you last stop and appreciate the beauty of a flower? Or when can you remember watching your child playing and wonder at the way they think and play? When have you fully appreciated all that your body can do? I forget to appreciate the different wonders of this life.

So how can we keep our wonder and amazement alive? I think one key thing is to be grateful for all that we have. The more gratitude I express, the more amazement I feel. Another thing is to take time to stop and really see the things all around. Instead of being so focused on what needs to get done, take a moment to take a deep breath and look around. This is such an amazing world, so full of beauty and life everywhere you look. Be like a little child seeing things for the first time.

What things bring a sense of awe and amazement to you?

Potemkin Village

Tonight I was reading a talk given by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf called, “On Being Genuine.” The following story was very thought provoking.

 “In the late 18th century, Catherine the Great of Russia announced she would tour the southern part of her empire, accompanied by several foreign ambassadors. The governor of the area, Grigory Potemkin, desperately wanted to impress these visitors. And so he went to remarkable lengths to showcase the country’s accomplishments.

 “For part of the journey, Catherine floated down the Dnieper River, proudly pointing out to the ambassadors the thriving hamlets along the shore, filled with industrious and happy townspeople. There was only one problem: it was all for show. It is said that Potemkin had assembled pasteboard facades of shops and homes. He had even positioned busy-looking peasants to create the impression of a prosperous economy. Once the party disappeared around the bend of the river, Potemkin’s men packed up the fake village and rushed it downstream in preparation for Catherine’s next pass.

 “Although modern historians have questioned the truthfulness of this story, the term ‘Potemkin village’ has entered the world’s vocabulary. It now refers to any attempt to make others believe we are better than we really are.”

I have been reflecting on how often I put up a “Potemkin village” as I go throughout life. When I want to impress somebody or when I feel uncomfortable in a situation do I stay true to who I am or do I put up a facade? It can be so easy to say and do things that are not true to who I am just because of a situation I am in. My goal is to be my true self no matter what the situation. I think that is going to take some time…

As I reflect on this I feel that the only way to get to the point of always being true is by becoming close to the Savior, Jesus Christ. I believe that the closer we become to Him, the closer we become to our core true selves, the way God created us to be. Part of the role of Jesus Christ is to connect us to our pure self. We can only do that through drawing upon the powers of the atonement. He can help us to peel back the facades and find the truth behind the scenes.

What situations cause you to put up a facade?

Finding Happiness

Tonight my two older kids were in a play. It was so fun to see them performing on stage and being so happy. It is so important to do things that make you happy. I remember one day while I was still married when something made me smile while I was passing a mirror. I looked in the mirror and saw my dimples. I have very distinct dimples and had somehow forgotten that I even had any. When I realized that, I started to cry. Had it really been that long since I had seen my dimples that I forgot I had them?!

I have a tendency to get so caught up in all the responsibilities that I have that I get too serious and forget to laugh or have fun. One night recently my oldest and I were up late talking and laughing. My daughter got serious and asked, “Mom, do you ever laugh?” I answered that I was right then! She said, “I know, but I mean other than tonight.” That was a bit of a wake-up call. My own daughter, who I lived with almost every day, couldn’t remember the last time she saw me laugh. Since then I have made more of an effort to find enjoyment in life.

I really feel that no matter what is happening in life there is always a way to find at least a little bit of enjoyment and happiness, even if it is just temporary. If people in concentration camps could find peace then certainly I should be able to find momentary happiness.

The things that seem to help me tune in to happy moments are music, both listening to and playing, stopping what I am doing and watching my children, petting my cat, watching the trees sway in the wind, walking barefoot in the grass, floating in water whether it be in a pool or a bath, cuddling my kids, and eating chocolate. ;) There are other opportunities each day that can make the journey lighter and brighter. I don’t think that this life is going to get any easier but that doesn’t mean we can’t find joy in the journey. We don’t have to be free of burdens in order to be happy.

In what ways are you creating joy in your journey?

Power of Intention

Today I was in a position where something happened right before I had massages to do that evoked a lot of anger in me. I have learned from experience that if I bring my own emotion into a massage session then the person I am working on will be less likely to have a good experience. I try very hard to leave all my stuff outside of work but I just didn’t think I was going to be capable of that today so I prayed and set an intent that the person would be protected from my anger and would have a good experience. Before leaving the office she said she felt like a new person. Just what I was hoping would happen!

I have learned that what I focus my mind on sets the tone for me and those directly influenced by me. If all I can think about is my anger then I feel bad and the people around me may feel off. If I focus on my blessings then I feel happy and those around me feel uplifted. It really helps me if I set an intention for what I want in a situation. If I am doing a massage I like to set an intention that the person being worked on will feel unconditional love and healing light. If I am going to church I like to set an intention that I will be open to God’s messages for me. If I am in a yoga class I like to set an intention of being grounded and balanced. Consciously choosing an intention before doing something can completely change a situation.

Most of the time we go about our day without making conscious intentions. We just float by allowing whatever happens to determine what we feel. When I go about life like this I feel very out of control and chaotic. When I set intentions then I feel like I have some control in my life and end the day feeling much more satisfied with how things went.

What are you consciously intending?

To Overcome and Become

Jesus told the woman caught in adultery, “Thy sins are forgiven thee,” but he didn’t just leave it at that. He added the command, “Go and sin no more.” There is a common misbelief that because God loves everyone that he doesn’t require us to change. God does love and accept everyone, no matter their progress and position. He also asks us to change and follow His commandments. He asks us to overcome the natural man and become as He is. He wants for us to achieve our highest and greatest potential. We cannot do that by remaining as we are. We can only do that by overcoming our weaknesses, learning from our mistakes, and drawing upon the power of the atonement to change the nature of who we are.

Throughout my life I have sought for healing from many different things. I have suffered from physical pain and ailments, mental and emotional anguish, sin, loneliness, depression, anger, and many other afflictions that come from living in this fallen world. The more I have sought for healing, the more I have come to understand that true healing can only come from one source, from Jesus Christ. The miracle of the atonement is that it changes us. The miracle of Christ is that he can take a person as imperfect as I am and change me so that I can one day become my highest and greatest potential.

I believe that all the experiences we have in life give us the opportunity to look at ourselves and evaluate where we are in our progression. They allow us to overcome and become. It is so easy to get caught up in the events of daily life and forget about our eternal progression instead of finding lessons and growth. It seems to be a regular battle for me.

I am so grateful for a loving God who accepts me for who I am and loves me unconditionally. I am also grateful that He desires for me to grow and achieve my greatest potential and does everything in His power to assist me on this journey. I do not want to be the same tomorrow as I am today. I want to change and grow until I am perfected.

What lessons are you learning today about yourself?

Anger

I don’t like anger. I don’t like other people being angry and I especially don’t like myself being angry. I was married to a very angry man. I always described him as “passionate” because he was very passionate about everything, whether it really mattered or not. One day I was rationalizing his behavior to a friend by calling him passionate when the friend said, “You know, that’s just a really nice way of saying that he is an angry man.” He was right. I had tried for a long time to justify and rationalize his behavior instead of dealing with the problem directly. Avoiding the truth just ended up hurting us both.

I feel that one of the biggest issues we have as a culture is that we don’t teach coping skills openly. We all grow up, both male and female, being given messages like, “Buck up!”  “Be a man!” “Big girls don’t cry!” We are taught that showing emotion is a weakness. As a society we are supposed to be happy even though most people don’t feel that way. When asked on the street, “How are you?” we are supposed to answer with, “Fine,” or else people feel uncomfortable. I don’t think we should all spill our life story to every one we meet, but I do feel we could all be a little more honest so that our beings will learn how to process and release emotions instead of hiding what is inside. There was a time that when I was asked how I was doing I would answer, “I’m in progress.” If someone wanted to know more they could ask or if they didn’t really want to know they wouldn’t say anything.

Learning to cope with emotions instead of hiding them is a difficult process. The most important thing needed in coping is to be able to acknowledge what you are feeling. Most of us can identify if we feel sad, happy, or angry but beyond those basic emotions it can be hard to really figure out what you’re feeling. One of the things we teach people who are seeking for healing in their lives is how to identify what they are feeling. In our office we have a list of emotions that we pass out to people. We tell them to take a few minutes each day and pick two emotions from the list that they felt that day and write them down. By writing an emotion down, it is like giving your subconscious permission to process and let it go. In the beginning it can be as simple as just writing down the specific word but as people desire greater healing it is good to write what you feel about that emotion and how you see it in yourself.

There are many techniques to coping with emotions and not all of them work for each person. I still struggle with anger when I feel it. I want to run away from it or stuff it down so far that I won’t feel it. I am actively trying to figure out what works for me in processing anger. I have a punching bag in my living room for those days I just need to hit something. Sometimes I just need to temporarily get away from whatever is bringing the anger up in me. Sometimes I need to scream or cry. One time my children and I were really struggling with anger so we bought a couple bags of ice and took turns throwing ice at the garage wall while screaming. That was a great release!

Every emotion is important. They tell us about ourselves and help us know how we are doing in our progress in becoming like God. The most important thing about emotions is learning to not get stuck in them, to learn and grow from them, to not allow emotions to control your actions but learn to choose your actions to best help your emotions. Hopefully one day I will be better at it!

What emotions do you struggle with?

Walking the Fire

When I was a crazy nineteen year old I took a workshop on overcoming fear. The culminating event of the class was a firewalk. We spent the day going back and forth between tending the fire and having the class about fear. One of the things they talked about was how fear stands for Friendly Emotions Announcing Risk. We discussed how the goal was not to stop feeling fear, but to learn what to do with it when you do experience it. By thinking of it as friendly emotions announcing risk, we change our attitude about it and turn it into a situation we can do something about, instead of being controlled by it.

When it finally came time to walk the fire, we stood in a circle around the burning coals singing a song with these words:

Oh, Great Spirit

Earth, wind, sky, and sea

You are inside

And all around me

Throughout the day we had gone around the fire and practiced a mantra to prepare ourselves mentally for walking the fire. The mantra was, “When I take my first step, my body will do whatever it takes to protect itself.” We said this mantra over and over again. The bed of burning coals was about five steps across and there was a bucket of water at the end. We were told that we couldn’t walk too fast or we would get burned and we couldn’t walk too slow or we would get burned. We were supposed to just walk a normal pace and once we got through, step in the bucket of water before rejoining the circle. We were also told that not everyone would walk the fire but they would not determine for us who would do it, we would.

The routine was that we would stand in the circle singing our song and whoever felt drawn to walk the fire would go to the head of the fire and ask the fire in their mind if they have permission to walk the fire. If they felt that the answer was yes then they would say the mantra in their mind over and over again until they felt it was time and they would go for it. If they asked the fire for permission to walk and they felt uncertain about it they were supposed to rejoin the circle and not cross the fire. We were there until well after midnight, giving everyone who desired to the opportunity to walk. It was quite magical, standing there in the dark around the glowing, burning coals, singing together as many people approached the fire and made that choice of whether to walk or not. It took great bravery to walk, and it took even greater bravery to listen when you were told no and return to the circle.

The moment came when I felt that it was my turn. I approached the fire, shaking a bit inside. I asked if I had permission to walk. I felt that it was completely up to me, either way would be right for me. I looked at the burning coals and felt a twinge of fear, took a deep breath, said my mantra multiple times, then walked across the coals. When I reached the bucket, I felt like I was flying! I was so invigorated! I was so full of life! I felt like nothing was impossible to me! I was literally on a high for three days!

As I drove home the soft skin under my toes felt like they were burning. When I got home and was able to inspect my feet, I found several tiny blisters under my toes. When I showed them to my dad he said they were so small they couldn’t really be counted as a burn. :) He was in awe that the entire bottom of my feet weren’t burned! I knew that the blisters were tiny but they definitely hurt. As I reflected on my experience I realized that I needed the experience and lesson of being burned to gain the understanding that I was not invincible and that even though life does sometimes burn us, we can still make it through and find something better on the other side.

I have reflected many times over the years on that experience. For a long time I had the attitude that if I could walk on fire I could do anything! It felt great!

Unfortunately, I can look back on my life and see many times when I allowed fear to control me. A couple of times fear has even paralyzed me. But what has gotten me through those fear-ridden times was a knowledge that there was a greater power than me that was watching over me, the support of those around me, and me making the choice to take the first step and keep on moving from there. So many times I have not known what was beyond the step I was currently taking but God has always given me ground to land on and helped guide the direction of my steps.

When I left my marriage every moment was filled with fear. What would he do when he realized I wasn’t coming back? How would I provide for my children? How would I make rent payments when I was self-employed and never knew from day to day how much money I was going to make? Would I be able to feed my children? Would I be able to keep them safe? What was everyone going to think of me? I would lay awake at night, filled with fear, not knowing how we were going to make it for even one more day. But I knew that God was watching over me and guiding my path. I knew there were a select few people who would stand by me no matter what. I knew that no matter how terrified I became I was going to get up each day, go to work, and do everything in my power to take care of my kids.

I no longer live in a state of constant fear. I still feel fear but it is different now. When I feel fear I try to remind myself that it is just friendly emotion announcing risk. I just have to weigh whether the risk is worth it or not. I have found that more often than not, the risk is worth it. :)

Is fear holding you back from something you desire in your life?

Persistence or Change of Path?

A speaker in church today spoke about creating good habits. One of the things he said was along these lines: “Somebody once defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I am going to challenge that today. I recently saw a movie where an army was attacking a castle. The castle had these very tall, extremely thick walls. The army had a catapult that they were using to try to break down the wall. They threw the first boulder and the wall didn’t come down. They threw the second boulder and the wall didn’t come down. They continued to cast the boulders at the wall, hitting the exact same spot each time. The leader of the army was repeating the same action over and over again expecting that over time there would be a different result. Sure enough, after enough hits the wall went crashing down.” The speaker then compared that to creating habits and how the result of a goal is not achieved instantly, it happens over time of repeating the same thing over and over again.

I found this good information and definitely food for thought. How often do we give up when one more time of doing something would be what got us the result we were looking for. But how do we know when it is time to move on and not push to make something happen?

When I got married I had the intention that no matter what happened, I would not get divorced. I felt that there was nothing that could happen that would be unfixable. This was the most important covenant I would ever make and I was fully dedicated to it. As time went on and the abuse became more and more apparent, I still felt that I had to do everything I could to be true to the covenant of marriage. I fasted, prayed, attended the temple, counseled with my Bishop, and attempted to talk to my husband about what I was experiencing with him. It seemed as if every effort to make the marriage work backfired. He accused me of looking for reasons to leave him when in reality I was searching for reasons, any reason, to stay. I was pounding my fist on a ten foot thick concrete wall and no matter what I tried, nothing would ever cause that wall to budge.

There have been different situations in life where I have asked the question, “When do I know if I have sacrificed enough? When is my offering to God ever enough?” I asked this about my marriage many times. There came a point when I realized that maybe God didn’t want me to try to break down the concrete wall. Maybe He had something different in store for me. I had prayed many times to see if I should leave the marriage and never felt that it was the right time. Then one day I just knew. I could no longer allow my children to live in fear. I could no longer allow myself to be disrespected. Instead of looking for a way to escape my own pain and suffering, I asked God what I could do to protect my children and create a safe place for them. That is when God turned me away from the concrete wall and gave me permission to choose a different path.

Sometimes the answer is to keep pounding away at the wall until you get the desired result, sometimes the answer is to find a different path. How do we discern which is the right answer? I believe that the answer lies in asking oneself: am I wanting this to happen because it is what I want? Or do I want this because I truly believe it is what God wants? There will be times when God desires for us to keep pushing forward on the same path, despite the obstacles. There will also be times when God wants us to choose a different way that will ultimately lead us to a better place. We have to keep the line of communication open to Him so that we will know what it is that He wants for us to do.

Are you on the path that God would choose for you?

Pets

I left this morning to go to work and thought it was strange that my cat was lying on the living room floor and had not come to bed with me at all during the night. She looked at me as I left and it seemed maybe something was wrong with her. She had been fine yesterday so I thought little of it and left for work. I was gone until late afternoon and when I got home she had not moved from the spot she had been in this morning. I went to her and pet her. She seemed very weak, not even lifting her tail like she always does when she is pet. She was still alive when I left for the evening but I am not sure if she will be when I get back.

I just went to the movie, “Inside Out” with my sister’s family to celebrate a birthday. I love how in the movie they learn how important it is to feel your emotions. It is important to express what you are feeling to be emotionally healthy and to fully experience life. I thought of my cat during the movie and realized how much she means to me, even though we have only had her for a year. I feel very sad at the thought of losing her. My children are with their dad this weekend. They will be devastated when they come home.

I have been thinking back today to all the pets I have had over the years. There have been many and each one has been very special to me, coming into my life at just the right time to help me through the struggles I have been through. I feel like pets are a manifestation of God’s love for us.

Having said that, I don’t want any of my friends to run out and get me another pet! ;) The responsibility of caring for something else in my life is not something I desire. There is plenty for me to do in my life without caring for another animal.

I think that with God knowing how challenging this life experience was going to be He gave a special assignment to certain animals to watch over us and lighten our burdens. He put into them a special ability that would allow us to feel unconditional love and acceptance. He made it possible for His love and loyalty to manifest in the animals we connect to.

I am grateful for all the animals that have spent a portion of their time with me. They have given me comfort, love, strength, and peace. I look forward to that day when we will all be reunited in Heaven.

What is your favorite memory of a pet?

Being True to Myself

Throughout my life I have really struggled with feeling like people will not accept me once they get to know me. When I got married I thought that I had finally found someone that I could share my whole self with. While dating I began to cautiously open myself up, having good results. He accepted everything I said; he felt that I was gifted and special. I was excited to get to share my whole self with another person.

Once we got married that changed. A very important part of my life was massage and healing work. I wasn’t just a massage therapist, I was also an energy healer. I had the ability to sense and move energy in a person while massaging them. People had amazing results from the massages I gave. I was told all the time that my massages were the best people had experienced. I knew that it was because God had blessed me with a gift of healing.

My ex-husband did not agree. It started slowly with expressing that he felt that maybe I shouldn’t do some of the work I did. Then he said that what I was experiencing wasn’t real, even telling me that, “I believe that you believe that these things are true.” He told me I was mistaken in my gifts and didn’t want me to use them. That was when I made the biggest mistake of my life; I chose him over my gifts from God. I still did occasional massage but didn’t do the healing work that I had once done.

An interesting thing began to take place as I closed off my gifts; I lost my identity and personal power. The farther I got from my true self, the more difficult it became to live. I began to feel like I was dying more and more each day. Without my gifts I was not strong enough to withstand the verbal abuse. Without my gifts I quickly became beat down. Without my gifts I was no longer me.

God gives each of us gifts and it is our responsibility to develop and share those gifts. After leaving the abusive marriage I was able to freely work to develop the gifts that God had given me. As I have worked hard to regain personal power and connect to my true self, my healing gifts have increased beyond anything they had ever been before. I can now stand proudly and declare, “I am an energy healer!” Any man who asks me to shut off who I am is not a man worth my time.

I don’t feel that people have to agree with all that I do or all that I am, I just ask for respect as I walk the path that God has called me on. One of the great gifts of doing the healing work I do is that God allows me to see into the souls of individuals and see them as God sees them. It has changed the way I view people and the world. All I ask of people in my life is to allow me to be my true self and I will always allow them to be their true self. I am not willing to hide myself anymore, or for anyone. It is time to be true!

Are you hiding your true self?

After the Storm

After the storm comes the rainbow

Speaking peace to my soul

Giving a promise of hope and joy

There’s always a rainbow

At one point in my marriage I decided to study pain and suffering in the scriptures. I had become overwhelmed with the experiences I was having and felt that I could gain a better understanding of the purpose of suffering through study. The scriptures had many stories and teachings about suffering and I found that the more I studied the topic, the more depressed about life I became and the more difficult a time I had with my own situation. I ended up abandoning my design of studying suffering.

That was when I decided that what I really needed to study was hope, overcoming struggles, finding peace in a troubled world. The most amazing thing happened; I was led to many of the same stories and scriptures as before only this time they brought a feeling of peace and hope. When I was searching for pain, I found pain. When I was searching for hope, I found hope.

The biggest lesson I have learned through my life is that no matter what happens, there is peace to be found. After the storm there is always a rainbow. The length of the storm is different each time and the intensity will shift and change, but there will one day be relief. I have learned that God does not wait for the storm to pass before He blesses us; He offers peace and hope throughout the entire experience, if we will but look to Him.

I choose today to look for hope and peace.

What are you looking for in your life today?

The Need to Nourish

As I lay with my seven year old tonight putting her to bed, I prayed for her. She has had such a challenging life, so full of pain and fear. For a couple of years she was plagued by horrible nightmares that woke her multiple times a night. She would do everything in her power to keep herself awake, telling me that she couldn’t close her eyes because of what she would see if she did.

A few months ago we started a new routine for getting her to sleep. She refused to lie down, and still does, unless I lay with her. So one night I asked her what she wanted to dream about. She said it wouldn’t matter what she wanted to dream about because it would always be scary. I insisted that she tell me something happy that she wanted to dream about. She did, and has almost every night since. She rarely has nightmares anymore. Instead of going to bed in fear, creating and inviting the scary dreams, she is going to bed in hope, wishing for unicorns and dolphins to play with her in her dreams.

Tonight she seems extra unsettled, worried about the future. Her sleep seems restless as she is coughing and tossing and turning. As I prayed for my daughter while putting her to bed tonight, I asked for her to be disconnected from the future and connected to Christ, being wrapped in His robes of love. When I said those words, the thought immediately came into my mind, “Why don’t you ask for this for yourself?” My sleep has been very unsettled for a very long time. I get only a few hours of sleep a night. At times I feel like I am nothing more than a zombie, going through the motions of life. I readily seek for God’s help for my children but I think that sometimes I forget that I can ask for the same things for myself.

How often, being in the role of protector, do I take care of others but don’t take care of myself? I see many people do this exact thing. Every aspect of my life involves taking care of other people. At home I am a mother, caring, by myself, for four young children. At work I am a massage therapist, caring for everyone who walks through the office doors. Other than my children climbing on me and an occasional hug or handshake, I haven’t been touched in years. When giving massages I sometimes wonder what it even feels like to get one. The last massage I had was before I was pregnant with my four year old. I have been working on finding ways to nourish myself but I feel that I don’t do enough in this area of life. I need to get a massage!

The Bible says to love your neighbor as yourself. That means that it is just as important for me to think about me, not in a selfish way, but in a nourishing, loving way. If I give all that I have and all that I am, there will be nothing left of me, nothing left to offer. I have to be constantly filling myself back up. So what I learned about myself today is that I really need to be thinking more about taking care of myself and asking for what I need. I need to go to bed in hope, not fear. And I need to trust that God cares just as much about me as he does for my children.

What do you think about before you fall asleep?

Needing Support

Last night I was reminded of one of my struggles with being a single parent. I was lying in bed when a major thunderstorm went over our property. There was high wind, pounding rain, and extreme thunder and lightning. I have never been scared of storms, in fact I have always liked them, but last night as the storm was raging over my house I began to worry about the safety of my family and my home.

I looked up the weather report and found that there was a tornado watch in affect. I live in a manufactured home with no basement with very few neighbors, none of which I have close relationships with. I began to wonder, as I have many times in the past, what do I do with my family if there is at tornado? The few times there has been a tornado warning since I have lived here have been during the day and we went to my sister’s house to hide out in her basement but what would I do if there was a tornado at night? How long do I wait before waking my kids and seeking a safer place?

The part about this experience that was hard with being single was that there was no one to talk to about it. There was no one to bounce ideas off of. There was no one to comfort my fears as I wondered if my house was going to hold together or if my children would be safe. Yes, I had the comfort of the Holy Spirit as I prayed, but sometimes it would be nice to have someone physically here to put their arms around me when the storm is raging.

For the last few years I have had to become strong. Strong for my children, strong for myself. I have had to do things that I wasn’t so sure I could do on my own. At times I had to pretend that I was strong in order to convince myself that it was okay to keep breathing and moving forward. During this time I have convinced myself that I no longer had need of a man in my life. I think that initially I had to do that in order to be strong enough to leave the marriage, but have come to realize that I shouldn’t hold on to the false belief that I don’t need anyone.

I do need other people. I need conversation. I need support. I need love. I need companionship. I don’t have to do everything on my own. This is a hard transition to make. I don’t believe that God intended for us to go through this life alone. Relationships come in many different forms and as I struggle to allow myself to connect to other people, I hope and pray that I will find people who are trustworthy and good that can be there for me as I am there for them.

Who do you turn to for comfort and support?

Does God Know Me?

Tonight I am pondering the scripture in Luke 12:6-7 KJV

6 Are not five sparrows sold for two farthings, and not one of them is forgotten before God?

7 But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.

Sometimes I wonder how God could truly know who I am as an individual, how He could know my innermost thoughts and feelings. Out of the billions of people who have ever lived on this earth, why would he even take notice of me?

Yet there is something inside of me, not provable by science or anything tangible, that knows without a doubt that God knows who I am. God knows me completely, perfectly. He knows me better than I even know myself. That is why when I want to come to understand myself better I turn to Him and ask Him for guidance in discovering myself.

I am not sure how it all works, but in some small way I can compare it to how I know things about my children, whether they are in my presence or not. I think that any parent can testify to experiences they have had like that. Magnify that by infinity and we might get close to understanding God’s ability to keep track of each of his children. ;)

I do believe that God exists. I cannot fathom not believing in Him. I believe He is not only my God, but that He is the Father of my spirit. I believe that He knows me personally and desires for me to return to His presence one day. I believe that is made possible by the atonement of Jesus Christ. God loves me as an individual so much that He provided a way back into His presence. He knows me. He know you. Not a single sparrow is forgotten by God and we are of more value than many sparrows. Fear not. He is with us.

Have you acknowledged God’s hand in your life today?

Dealing with Children

Today I learned something very important about myself that I want to change; I have no imagination when dealing with children. I helped out with the children in church today. Their music leader was on vacation so I was helping with the music. When we had the three to seven year olds there was a boy that had brought a couple of books, paper, and a pencil to Primary. He was being a bit distracting during the lesson as he fussed about where his pencil had gone as he moved all his stuff around on the floor. I reminded him multiple times to sit in his chair but it made him quite upset. The woman giving a lesson then taught me a very important lesson.

The woman went over to the boy and complimented him on the amazing books he had. She said they were so interesting looking that she was having a hard time teaching her lesson because she kept wanting to look at them. She suggested it might be helpful to her if maybe they could hide the books, that way she wouldn't be tempted to look at them when she should be teaching. He immediately offered that they could be stacked under his chair. She told him what a wonderful idea that was. They put them under his chair and he didn't touch them again until it was time to go to his class.

This woman treated him with such respect and kindness. There was no anger, controlling, or raising her voice. Some might say she was manipulating him, but in my eyes it was a very positive way to handle a potentially difficult situation.

I feel that I have become so concerned about getting through each day that I have lost all imagination. I have become so quick to raise my voice over years of my children not listening to me that I have forgotten to use daily experiences as teaching tools. Instead of asking, "How do you think we can solve this problem?" I take over to get things done quicker. I feel that there is so much they can learn, so many skills they can be taught, if I could show a little imagination in the situations that come up daily.

The thought of trying out this concept in my home makes me feel defeated before I even try. I have many excuses about how tired I am and how I have so many responsibilities already that adding this would only make life harder. Changing my parenting is like teaching an old dog new tricks; it is very difficult, although not impossible. But isn't the responsibility of teaching and raising my children the most important thing I have in my life? Isn't teaching my children coping skills, the value of work, respect of others, and kindness towards all of more value than doing everything my way all by myself to make sure they get done?

I know that it will be a challenge. I know that I will make many mistakes. I know that my patience will be tried. I also know that my love for my children will grow and hopefully they will be more capable people from this process.

How can you improve your parenting today?

Heavy Traffic, Construction, and Pouring Rain

We started off this morning with a real bang; lots of real bangs to be exact. We woke up to a severe thunderstorm and torrential rain. Boy, were we glad that we got all of Friday at Nauvoo without a drop of rain! We still had some things we wanted to do before heading home so we loaded up everyone in the car and drove to Carthage to the historical site of where the Prophet Joseph Smith and his brother Hyrum Smith were killed.

The tour of the jail was very emotional. I had been there before but that was before I ever had my own children. To think of the families left behind, heartbroken at the loss of their father or husband, was overwhelming. I thought of all the pain and persecution that Joseph Smith had suffered and it was as if a part of me could tune in to the experiences he had. At one point I almost fell over from the energy I felt by being in that place. Another feeling overcame me after that; a feeling of deep and inexpressible gratitude for those who gave so much so that I could have access to God’s truth. Joseph thought nothing of himself, only for God’s people and God's plan. He was a great example of standing up for what is right no matter the consequence. I am grateful that I was able to share that experience today with my children. I hope they will remember this day.

As we left Carthage, we were faced with pouring rain, a lot of traffic, and off and on construction across the entire state of Illinois. There was flooding almost all the way across the state, not only in the farm fields around us but even across the road in many places, causing us to have to slow down drastically so as not to lose control from hydroplaning. We saw two vehicles that lost control and went off the road shortly before we passed them. I was thinking that if all that wasn’t bad enough, it would be dark soon. Luckily for us, once we got to Indiana it stopped raining although we had even more construction and heavy traffic and ended up in the dark.

As I thought about our travels today it made me think that this day was very much an analogy for life. As we travel the road of life we are faced with many trials: torrential rain, heavy traffic, and construction, that slow us down and try to deter us from our destination. When we think that all that wasn’t bad enough, it then becomes dark. Once it is dark we are left to rely on small headlights to guide us through the darkness and rain. Sometimes it might even get so dark that the headlights cannot even be seen. Then we realize that from all the stress of the lightening and rain that at some point we closed our eyes and forgot to open them up again. We find that once our eyes are opened it is much easier to find the way to our desired destination.

I am so grateful for the lessons and the road travelled today. I am grateful to have shared this great trip with my family. I am very grateful that I get to sleep in my own bed with my own pillow tonight! And I am grateful that I have a loving Father in Heaven who I know watches out for me and keeps us safe in all the storms, and even when there are no storms. :)

Have you checked today to see if your eyes are open?

Site seeing with kids

I love seeing historical sites, listening to all the old stories, and seeing how people used to live. But I learned today that I am just not cut out for being a tourist with little kids. ;) My family and part of my sister's family are touring Old Nauvoo together. It is a Mormon pioneer village with lots of amazing things to see and learn. The kids are interested in lots of things but with my kids being 4, 7, 10, and 11 it is really hard to find things that make everyone happy.

Tonight there is an outdoor pagent. Hopefully everyone will be cooperative at that!

A very neat experience I had this morning was going to the Nauvoo Temple with my niece. The last time that I saw the Nauvoo Temple was when they had an open house before it was dedicated for worship. Once an LDS temple is dedicated then only members living certain standards can enter. It is a very sacred and special place where one can feel very close to God. I love being in the temple and  am so grateful that I was able to attend this morning.

As my patience is severley tested with site seeing with the kids, I need to remind myself about the peace I felt this morning! Hopefully the kids will walk away with good memories even though they are tired and cranky. ;)

What is your favorite memory of traveling with kids?

More Fun Please!

We spent over six hours driving today to Nauvoo, Illinois for a quick trip to some church historical sites and on the way we were discussing a community play that will be next summer and who we think should try out for different parts. My niece and nephew were just in the play, “Fiddler on the Roof.” It was so amazing to watch everyone perform that it made me kind of wish I could do something in the next play. As we talked about being in the next play it made me feel real excited! It seems so fun! I toyed with different ideas of being on the stage crew or being in the orchestra but I really don’t have enough skill (yet) for doing something like that.

We spent part of our evening tonight at a musical program by the Nauvoo visitor center. They had a band, singers, and dancers with comedy skits in between the numbers. It was so fun! When the cloggers came out on stage I wanted to get up and dance, too! The biggest problem with that idea is that I don’t know how to dance. Not even a little… I guess I did do a little swing and country dancing in my early twenties but I was never comfortable and that was a lifetime ago.

I think my soul is telling me that it is time to break out of my comfort zone and do some fun things. I am even contemplating learning how to dance. Lately when I see people dance I have such a longing to join them. I feel so awkward in my body that it scares me a lot, but I think I may be ready to face that fear. I just need to find a very patient and understanding partner to teach me because it doesn’t come natural to me!

My overall feeling today has been that it is important to have fun things to lighten the load of life. I need a whole lot more of that in my life!

What do you do for fun?

Balance

It is very easy for me to get distracted by unimportant things. And the more caught up I get in those things the easier it is to have feelings of depression or being down. I had a little extra time to myself these last couple of days as the kids have been gone. There was so much that needed to get done and yet I spent a lot of time on unimportant activities. The more time I spent on these things the more difficult it became to cope with the emotions that I was feeling. Today I was feeling really down and realized that it was because I was trying to escape rather than cope.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with entertainment as long as it is balanced with more productive things. Some things that help me cope are playing the piano, writing, taking a bath, baking desserts, or visiting my sister. Some of the things I turn to that tend to lead to feeling down are playing video games (yes, I play too many video games) or browsing the internet. I haven’t been allowing myself to play very many video games lately but these last couple of days I started playing again. I can’t believe how fast time passes while playing a game! Before I know it, it is past my bedtime and I haven’t gotten my chores done.

So how can I find balance? I think it is really important to set boundaries and stick to them. Normally we don’t turn on the xbox during the week and there is a time limit on the weekends. I don’t tend to have rules when my kids are gone so I think that setting boundaries and rules for myself is just as important as having them for my kids. Probably the most important thing for finding balance and staying out of depression is having goals. When I have projects that need to get done I tend to do better with staying positive. I had plenty I could have done these last few days but I chose to blow them off.

I do think that occasionally it is okay to just let everything slide and not worry about getting everything done as long as it doesn’t lead to feeling down. Maybe setting aside a couple of hours for being lazy or playing a game instead of letting the whole evening go by without being productive.

So I guess the thing that I learned about myself today is that I have to find ways to be productive or else I start feeling down and have a harder time coping with my stress. I learned that I need boundaries every day, not just when my kids are home. I also learned that gluten free cheesecake makes a really great dinner. That’s a secret I am going to keep from my kids, though. ;)

How do you spend your time when you are left alone?

Food

Right now I am eating a salad that has apple balsamic vinaigrette. That might not seem impressive or significant, but for a person whose childhood food consisted of grilled cheese sandwiches, cinnamon toast, and nacho cheese Doritos it is pretty amazing to be branching out and trying new foods. As a teenager trying new foods meant trying cool ranch Doritos instead of nacho cheese or putting mayonnaise on my sandwich instead of having it plain.

In my early twenties I decided I was way too picky about food. I had started eating a lot of salads but always had ranch dressing on them. One year I made a new year’s resolution that I would try a different dressing every time I ate a salad. Wow! I never knew so many flavors existed! I didn’t like everything that I tried, but I discovered many new amazing tastes.

Trying new foods is not always enjoyable, like the time I finally gave in and tried shrimp. My mouth and throat immediately started to swell up and feel real funny. I didn’t have to go to the hospital but decided that I would never eat shrimp again! That experience has made me a little nervous about new foods but mostly just sea food. People always assume that because I grew up in Alaska that I love sea food but I mostly stay away from it. I am okay with eating halibut and occasionally salmon but never liked clams or other things I tried. Some things I haven’t tried but just can’t bring myself to, like crab. But there is much more to food than just sea food!

Trying new food can be like standing on the edge of a cliff getting ready to jump off. You are hoping that you will be able to fly but always know that there is a chance you will plummet to the earth. That sounds really extreme! Haha! But that is how it has always felt for me. I have my safe foods that make me feel happy, like Tillamook medium cheddar cheese, and there are many questionable foods that I just don’t know until I try them. Then there is shrimp, the food that makes me plummet to the earth. Hopefully I won’t find anymore foods like that!

What foods make you feel happy?

Coping with Stress

Today I was in a position where I had to summarize in an hours time the experiences of my marriage and divorce and the affect it has had on me and my children. How do you put thirteen years of the most traumatic time of your life into a quick synopsis like that?! It was difficult as I relayed some of the most painful things that have not been revealed to more than a couple of people. At one point the person I was talking to looked at me and said, “How do you cope with all of this?”

I answered that I had my church, my family, the shelter that helped me leave, counselors, and a few close friends that I met along the way. Since leaving that meeting I have continued to ponder that question, “How do you cope with all of this?” When I really look closely at the last thirteen years, the biggest thing that has helped me cope and kept me going each day is the hope that I have in Jesus Christ and the healing that can come from drawing upon the powers of the atonement.

But how does one access the powers of the atonement? I think that the process might be slightly different for each person. I realized early on in the divorce process that when I felt anger or judgment that it made it impossible to feel the love from the Savior. I consciously worked each day on letting go and working through the pain and anger I felt. The more I let go, the more I was capable of feeling the light and love from the Savior.

One of the things that helped me in the process was listening to good, uplifting music. I listened to a lot of Christian music, mainly the group Mercy River and the artist Hilary Weeks as well as hymns and children’s hymns. As I filled my mind with positive, happy music it helped me to feel and recognize the hand of God in my life and feel his love.

Other things that helped me were going for walks, meditating, visiting with my sister and her family, and finding a goal to work toward. One goal I had was to do an obstacle course with my kids. We had so much fun doing that together. Looking for positive things in life made it more possible to feel God’s love.

I am so grateful to those people who have been with me throughout this experience. I am so grateful for the love I have felt from God. I have been so blessed through all of my life, especially these last thirteen years. Though life is nothing like I had imagined, I have learned much about myself and about the love of God. For that I am eternally grateful.

How do you cope with the struggles in your life?