A relationship between a mother and a daughter can be a very
complicated thing. I don’t feel that I really appreciated my mom until after I
left home. We didn’t have any majorly bad things between us but there were
definitely times of strain and stress in our relationship. We weren’t always
close but there never was a time where we were estranged. Overall, I would call
my mom my friend.
Looking back on my childhood my mom was always there. She
was home every time I got off the school bus. She made dinner every single
night. She attended every one of my basketball games. She encouraged me to be
my best and to seek for adventures in life. She enjoyed reading my stories and
poems and always encouraged me to write more. She said she loved to hear me
teach, whether at church or a class I did through work. She always told me she
loved me and gave me lots of hugs.
After moving to Indiana I only saw her a couple times a
year. She would come out in the summer or if there was a special event. She
often stayed with me for several weeks at a time. We teased her many times
about moving out here but she always said that she would never move here.
Last year we were talking on the phone when she said, “When
we move out to Indiana,” and then kept going on with her sentence. I said, “Whoa!
Wait! Back up! What did you just say??!” She laughed and then told me that she
felt really strongly that they needed to move to Indiana. They were looking at
houses and talking about it every day. I was shocked! Dad had said in the past
that he couldn’t live here because of the humidity or leaving my brother’s
family and Mom said she couldn’t stand the heat, the bugs, or being away from the
family out there. Before I knew it, Mom was packing up the house, Dad closed
down his business, and they were getting ready to come out here.
Things didn’t go quite as planned. Their house didn’t sell
right away and even though she got rid of a lot of stuff, they still had too
much stuff to bring over. Mom felt this urgency she couldn’t explain and
finally insisted that they needed to just get out here. So they did. In the
beginning of September Mom flew out then Dad packed up a moving van and, with
the help of a couple of brothers, he drove out with all their stuff.
They settled in with one of my sisters but it was a little
too far away so in the beginning of October they ended up in my house. I moved
into the living room and they moved into my bedroom. I needed help with my
children and house so it was a good exchange. We all got along really well and
enjoyed being together.
As the holidays came near, they found a house in town. Their
house in Washington sold and the house here closed in early December. They
decided to continue to stay with me, because I really needed their help, and
have my sister move into their home for awhile. A lot of family came for the
holidays so they all stayed up at their house. We had a great Christmas with
lots of great memories. My brother and his family came out and didn’t want to
go home so kept staying just one more day, then one more day. That went on until
New Years when they finally decided that they would leave the next day, January
2nd.
We had a fun New Year’s Day, eating lots of food and playing
games. I took my kids home and put them to bed then a short while later my
parents came home. Mom was so excited because she was reading a book about
front porches that my sister had given her for Christmas. She was dreaming
about her perfect front porch and went to her room smiling and happy. I was
pretty tired so I ended up going to bed fully clothed, not having the energy to
change into pajamas.
The next morning, I was woken up by my dad calling my name a
few minutes before 5:00. He said he needed help, Mom was not responsive. I grabbed
my phone, jumped out of bed and ran to their bed. She wasn’t breathing and had
no pulse. I called 911. Dad and I moved her to the floor and I started CPR. It
took maybe ten minutes or so for the paramedics to come. They took her to the
hospital and Dad and I followed. After an hour of waiting, the doctor finally
came to talk to us. She was gone. The doctor said she was most likely gone
before we even woke up.
So many feelings overwhelmed my soul that morning. Grief,
pain, guilt. I fought so many thoughts that I should have been able to save
her, that I had failed my dad and siblings. So much sadness, shock, and
disbelief. How could this happen? They only just moved here. She felt fine when
she went to bed. But now she was gone.
An autopsy later revealed a rupture in her ventricle wall.
Her death had been instantaneous. There
was nothing any of us could have done.
The next week seemed like a blur, moving so fast, and yet
seemed like an eternity. All of my siblings, their spouses, and thirty-three
out of the thirty-four grandchildren came out for the funeral (one was serving
a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints). Everyone except
my family and Dad stayed at the other house. We cried, laughed, told stories,
played games, looked at pictures, sang, and ate a lot of food. It was so
wonderful to all be together, even if it was for such a sad occasion.
When we were growing up, most of my siblings can remember Mom
making a train cake at some point for each of us. A few days before her funeral
I found a cake pan to make a 3D train engine. I decided that to honor Mom I
would make a train and have all of the family decorate a little cake to be a
train car. So the night before the funeral, all of the family, kids and
grown-ups alike, spent time together decorating a little cake. Everyone was
laughing and talking together, creating some great memories. After the
funeral there was a luncheon. We put all of our cakes on display until the end
then whoever wanted to eat their cake could. It was a fun way to honor Nana.
After the funeral everyone slowly left and we had to try to
go back to living life, going to work and doing the normal everyday things.
What a rollercoaster the last two and a half months have
been! The grief hits in waves, often while I am driving past the cemetery or
when listening to specific songs. And now today is her birthday. Mom would have
been seventy-two today.
Mom loved flowers, stars, trains, boats, flowers, birds, bees,
flowers, anything small, flowers, antiques, classic cars, baby animals, did I
mention flowers?? She loved to take pictures of flowers. There are thousands of
pictures on her computer and external hard drives of flowers. Going for a walk
with her meant making lots and lots of stops to look at every little thing and
taking pictures of all the flowers. It was like walking with a little kid who
was discovering everything for the first time. :)
In honor of her birthday I made Mom a flower cake. She loved
purple flowers, especially johnny jump ups. I don’t think I can ever see a
pansy or johnny jump up without thinking of her. She taught me to love flowers
and beautiful things in nature. She taught me to love my children even when I
am struggling with them. She taught me a love of reading, especially Louis L’Amour.
I miss my mom terribly, yet at the same time am just so grateful for all the time
we were able to spend together. I am grateful for her love and for all of the
hugs she freely gave. I love my mom so much! I am so grateful for the
knowledge I have of Jesus Christ and the hope of the resurrection. I know that her
spirit continues on. She is not gone, she has just moved on. And one day I know
that I will see her again. Until that day, I’ll treasure every flower, stop and
gaze at the stars at night, and share her love with my children and all of her other
grandchildren. She will not be forgotten.
