When I was an older teen and into my early 20's, I did a lot of soul searching, took a lot of seminars, read a lot of books, and felt like I did a pretty good job establishing an identity and finding out who I was. Then I got married. Very quickly I found myself in an identity crises. I thought I knew who I was as an individual, but I didn't know who I was when I was with someone. I found that when in a relationship I became a chameleon, changing and shifting to try to make the other person happy. Even compromising who I thought I was in order to keep the peace and make sure he was happy. Life became all about him and worrying about how every choice I made would be responded to by him. Even my likes and dislikes became void. And when I did stand up for something I felt strongly about, it was met with a great amount of resistance and conflict.
A coping mechanism that I came up with very early on was to try to avoid having opinions about things. If I didn't have my own opinion and just agreed with whatever was said, I would be safe. This wasn't true in all things, there were some things I was extremely opinionated about, but as a general rule I would shift and bend according to the strong opinions of my spouse.
Another tool for keeping myself safe was to not have hobbies or interests of my own. Before marriage I loved watching professional basketball. There was a thrill for me in watching the entirety of a game and going through the ups and downs that accompany the viewing of a sport. Often I would turn on the television to watch my favorite team. One day my husband came into the room and changed the channel. I told him I was watching the game. He responded that he didn't like basketball and I could check the score later. After several times of this scenario taking place, I stopped watching basketball and to this day have never viewed a professional sport. It was easier to not have my own desires than to face the conflict of clashing with someone else's desires.
Over many years of being a chameleon, the true me not only withdrew, but began withering away into nothingness. I felt as if I was dying a very slow and painful death. If something didn't change, there would be nothing left to the real me. I was so caught up in trying to please others that I no longer knew who I was. That is the journey I am on today: to find out who the real me is.
There is an older movie with Julia Roberts that I love called, "Runaway Bride." In that movie the main character has left several men at the alter and just couldn't seem to follow through with getting married. At one point a reporter that was doing a story about her, questioned the men about their experience with Maggie, the main character. One question he asked was how Maggie liked her eggs cooked. All of the men answered the same way, "She likes them just like I do!" Maggie had changed herself to be whatever the man she was with liked. In order for her to have a true, lasting relationship, she had to discover how she liked her own eggs. She had to find her own identity and be true to it.
I feel like Maggie today. I am on a quest to discover what kind of eggs I like. I hope that as I form opinions and have new experiences that I will be able to establish my identity and come to know the answer to the question, "who am I?"
How do you like your eggs?
