What if some of the things I have believed were wrong all along? What if what I believed to be true was really a deception? What if I had spent my life trying to create something that is actually against what I was meant to be?
I heard the story of Abraham offering Isaac up as a sacrifice to the Lord. I believed that I was supposed to be like Isaac, a willing sacrifice. I thought that I was to lay on the altar and wait for the knife to be plunged into my heart. I thought that was my purpose. I thought that was what was expected of me, by God, by my church, by my family. Why???
My parents used to joke that enthusiasm was my middle name. They said I was a happy child, full of life, singing, dancing, full of light. And then I was noticed. I attracted the attention of a dark man. He wanted my light. He desired me. A five year old could give him what he wanted. So in the middle of the night he came and took it from me. And I plunged into darkness.
For the next ten years I dwelt in darkness. I tried to hide it, tried to escape. The only peace I felt was in the gospel of Christ. I thought if I could memorize enough scriptures or listen to enough Christian music or serve enough in my church then maybe the darkness would disperse. But it never did. Because I gave my light to that man when I was five.
People arrived in my life at various times to teach me lessons that kept me going. I trusted a few, felt betrayed by some, and learned to hide away my true self. Lies became my rulebook. Lies like, if people knew the real me, they wouldn’t like me or want to be close to me. If they knew what went on in my head they wouldn’t be my friend. I can’t let anyone get close to me because I will end up hurting them. I like them too much to hurt them so I need to push them away.
I thought that if I gave more, prayed harder, sacrificed longer, disregarded my own desires, then I would be found worthy before God. Then I would be worthy of companionship. Then I would be allowed a spouse.
So I created new light. I attempted to heal the past and let my light shine again. I wouldn’t let my past define me any longer. I would let myself live again. Slowly, slowly the light began to grow. I felt a desire to live. I started trusting. Finally, a new me lived.
Then a man came along. He made me feel wanted. He made me feel desired. He made me think the impossible things I have wanted could be mine. So I married him. I took the twenty years of building back my light and I handed it over to this man. He would protect my light if I became one with him. But instead of nurturing it, protecting it, he extinguished it.
Darkness. My life was darkness. My soul was darkness. A living hell. I thought I was supposed to be like Isaac, putting myself on the altar. I thought God would step in, send an angel, provide a ram.
Where were you God??!!? Where was my angel??! Where was the ram?! Why did you not protect me when I gave my all? Why did you not intervene??? Why?
I thought I was meant to be Isaac.
But what if I was never meant to be Isaac?
What if Isaac was meant to be Isaac and I was meant to be me?
What if my body is mine and I don’t have to let anyone take it if I don’t want them to? What if my light is my own and I can keep it always? What if all along I was meant to be strong and brave and kind and loyal and trustworthy and loving and the very best me I can be?
I don’t have to be Isaac or Ruth, or Esther, or Saul, or Stephen. I can be me.
But who am I?
God in Heaven. You are the one who created me. I feel so lost, so weak, so broken. Can you show me who I am? I’m not sure that I can do it on my own. I feel something but I don’t know what it is. A tugging deep within. A forgotten knowingness. A warmth.
I think I am beginning to understand. You never meant for me to offer myself as a sacrifice to man. You wanted me to offer my sacrifice to you.
Here, God. Here is my heart. It is broken and I can’t fix it. Will you? I want to be light again, instead of darkness and confusion. I want to feel peace. I want to feel you.
I feel the layers of deception slowly shedding. I feel the lies falling away. I feel the betrayal lifting. What is that underneath it all? What is that glimmer I see? Is that light? Is the light already inside of me? Can I grab onto it? Can I connect to it? Can I grow it?
There it is. I feel it. It is hope. It is the pure love of Christ. It is truth. I feel it in my cells. I feel it in my breath. It is growing, expanding, pushing out all the lies and deceptions, leaving behind only light and truth. That is the true me. Light and truth.
I breathe the light. It is warm. It is safe. It is God. God and I are one.
What do I do now?
I keep breathing. I keep learning. I work on being one with God at all times. And when I fail, I try again. When the lies and deceptions try to drown out the light, I step back, reconnect, and become one all over again. I keep doing that day after day, minute after minute, breath after breath, until it becomes my normal.
This is who I am. This is what I can teach others. We all have that light within. We can all clear away the deceptions with the help of God. We can each become the best we can be as individuals.
Thank you God... Father. You are all powerful and you are also all loving. God and Father. Thank you. I love you. Let’s talk again soon.
