This week I turned forty… Age has never bothered me before.
I have always looked forward to growing older and moving through life’s
experiences. I have always wanted to look back on my life and see all the
trials that are over and done with. I have always celebrated and been excited
about birthdays. But this year has been different. About a month ago I suddenly
realized that I was completely dissatisfied with my life. For a few weeks I
could even say that I hated my life. The stress was overwhelming me. I felt I
was drowning in just the normal everyday things. I realized that I no longer
felt any happiness in the things that use to bring me happiness. I was
depressed…
Throughout my life I have suffered at times from situational
depression but this was different. This was all consuming and it wasn’t going away.
I had to force myself to get out of bed,
to fix meals for my kids, to go to work. I could barely do the required things.
What little housework I had been doing stopped. The heaviness was consuming me.
The one thing in my life that always gave me purpose, my work, even became
difficult for me. I began to question whether I even wanted to continue being a
massage therapist. I felt that I was such a mess, what right did I have trying
to help other people?
One morning, when I was on the brink of closing my practice,
my sister and I were working together on a client. I was doing a technique I
had learned through my Craniosacral training called Somato-emotional Release. I
was feeling so inadequate to provide this woman with what she needed in order
to get through her struggles. I knew that I couldn’t facilitate her healing
without God’s help so I was praying, and praying, and praying that somehow my
training would pull through for this woman and God would step in and complete
the healing.
When we completed the session, the woman suddenly asked if
she could pray for us. We told her of course. She held our hands and began
pouring out her soul to God, thanking him for bringing my sister and I into her
life. Then this woman, who had no knowledge of our personal lives, began to
plead with God to help us in our personal lives that we would have what we
needed and we would feel God’s love for us. All of us were crying and the Holy Spirit
was so strong it was palpable. When this sweet woman left the office, I looked
at my sister and said, “I guess I can’t quit doing this work.”
Now I knew that I couldn’t quit my work but I still felt
depressed and didn’t know how to keep going. I prayed and asked God to help me
but wasn’t quite sure that I believed He would. I kept going through the motions
but still couldn’t find my smile. That’s when I went to an event sponsored by
Deseret Book called, Time Out For Women. At Time Out, there are speakers and
musicians who publish through Deseret Book who present a program filled with inspirational
talks and music. This year there was a musician that I had not heard before
named Calee Reed. She sang a song that changed my life. It is entitled, Cleanse
You. You can listen to it on youtube at this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZFpoijqBGY
When Calee Reed was performing this song I couldn’t stop
crying. It spoke to my soul and brought me comfort. The words that struck me
the most were these:
Why did you lead me here to this uncharted sea
Did you bring me here just to drown me
What if I didn’t bring you here to drown you but to cleanse
you
He whispers
I bought her cd and played this song over and over again
every day. I looked back over this depressed time of my life and realized that many
times I had accused God of trying to drown me. I would ask, “Why won’t you
deliver me? Why are you making me go through this?” When I am not consumed in
my self pity these questions are never asked. I don’t really believe that God “makes
us” have bad experiences. I believe that He allows life to happen, allows our
own free will and other people’s free will to create our lives. I also believe
that He ALWAYS provides a way to heal and provides a way to escape. That
healing and escape can come in any number of ways. For me it came in the form
of a song.
God wasn’t trying to drown me! He was trying to cleanse me!
He didn’t make the storm but He could use the storm to heal me, cleanse me, and
make me a better person, if I would allow it. For some reason, this song caused
the heaviness to lift. I guess it helped me change my perspective. I am still
going through the same struggles today that I have been for a long time, but
today I am not weighed down like I was. I still haven’t found all the answers
to my problems, but today I feel God’s love and support. When I was focused on the storm I couldn't see or feel God. But when I looked up, I realized He had been there the whole time, waiting with outstretched arms to help me.
A few weeks ago I felt that life had robbed me of joy and I had
nothing to live for. Today I take back my power that I threw away to
circumstances and choose to live. Turning forty doesn’t have to represent a
life of unfulfilled dreams and being a victim. Turning forty means that I have
fought a good fight and now I can really live! This year I choose adventure, personal growth, and smiles. This is a new day, and a new year of my life. Today I live!
