I learned earlier today that someone I knew when I was
growing up committed suicide. I have been thinking a great deal about this as
it has caused me to remember my emotional struggles and desire for death at
different times in my life. I don’t know if everyone has an experience at some
point in their life where they wonder whether it really is worth it to keep
living, but I know there have been many times in my own life where I have had
to really work at finding a reason to live.
As a young child I had a traumatic experience that caused me
to wish for death. I never told anyone how I was feeling because I didn’t want
anyone to think less of me. My desire to die became such a dominant part of my
life that, for a time, everywhere I looked and every object I saw caused
thoughts of how I could kill myself. Luckily I had a very strong conscience and
felt that the most important thing for my existence was to one day be able to stand before
God. I felt that if I killed myself that I wouldn’t be worthy of that. For a while
that thought kept me living.
Though the desire to die dominated my teen years, I never
attempted suicide or told anyone that I was contemplating it. Later on, when I
revealed to my mom that I had had suicidal thoughts she was totally shocked.
She told me that I was a great actor because she would have never known.
The thoughts of killing myself came and went but the
thoughts of dying were constant. I truly believed that I would not ever live to
see my twenty-first birthday. It was around the time that I was fifteen that I
finally decided that I was here on earth for a purpose so I needed to find
reasons to live.
At first the only reason I could come up with to live was
that I didn’t want to die a virgin and I was determined to wait until marriage
for sex so I couldn’t die until I had gotten married. I was a teenager and that
seemed to be a strong enough motivator to keep me going for a little while. And
I figured that if I could stay alive that long then I would eventually find a
better reason to live. Then the thought that I clung to was: if I were to die
today I might miss out on some great thing that would have happened tomorrow if
I would have just stayed alive for one more day. That thought got me through
some very hard times.
Over time of looking for reasons to live I finally began to
find some good things in life. I met some great people who were able to counsel
and guide me. I got professional counseling. I served faithfully in my church.
I kept living even though I wasn’t sure that I wanted to.
By the time I was in my early twenties, I was beginning to
actually find joy in my life. I had lived to the ripe old age of twenty-one and
actually wanted to keep living! As I continually searched for good things in
life I actually began to feel joy in living! To celebrate my new-found
excitement for life I went skydiving for my twenty-fourth birthday. It was
amazing!
It was when I had finally learned to live that I met the man
I would marry. I was so excited to find someone that I could share this life
experience with. I was thrilled to have lived long enough to fulfill my dreams
of becoming a wife and a mother. I was on my way to live “happily ever after.
I remember the first time I had a suicidal thought during my
marriage. Our second child was around a month old. We had a huge fight, one of
way too many, and I walked into the spare bedroom and thought, “The only way
out is to die! I really want to die!” Those thoughts and feelings only lasted a
few minutes. I recalled all that I had been through in my life, all that I had
learned, all the hard work I had put into finding a reason to live and I was
able to push that thought aside and tell myself, “No! The answer is not to die!
The answer is to work through this!” So I went back to my husband and told him
about my thought process. He did not respond in a helpful way at all. He yelled
at me and said, “So you would rather die than be with me?!” I was devastated by
his response. I had gone to him to stop the cycle, to ask for help, and to help
him see how serious our problems were. I knew then that I could never die
because I had to keep my children safe and give them a chance at life.
As the marriage got progressively worse I was able to
successfully stay out of the thought process of wanting to die. I knew I had to
protect the children and I couldn’t do that if I wasn’t around. It was the need
to protect the children that finally brought me to the point of realizing that
I had to leave the marriage. Even though I wasn’t consciously thinking about
dying, I was dying a slow and painful death. Every day I could feel less and
less. Every day I lost more and more contact with the true me. I was nothing
but a shell.
So the process of finding a reason to live began once again.
I knew that living for my children would only help me temporarily. I had to
find something more concrete. I had to become my true self.
I received a great compliment this week. Someone at church
observed that every week I appear to be getting stronger and stronger. I
believe that is because I have decided to keep my power instead of giving it
away and because I am learning to be true to myself. The more that I live true
to myself, the more reasons I have to live. I no longer have to hang onto the
hope that tomorrow will be better in order to live. I live because there are
good things to experience right now! The choice to live is not something we
make just once; we make it every day, with every breath. I choose to live!
While going through the struggles as a teenager I wrote a
couple of songs that helped me process what I was feeling. The words are below.
To Live or to Die
by Amy Tiare
To live or to die is the question
I don’t know which one to choose
Part of me wants to give up now
Part of me wants to refuse
Each day I walk through this life of mine
Feeling so empty and lonely
There’s so many things I wish I could do
My life is filled with “if only’s”
I want to live
I want to find a reason to continue on with life
I want to breath in the air each morning with a grateful
heart for life
Oh, how can I change my mind?
How can I live with this pain?
I’m Alive!
by Amy Tiare
I choose
As I wake up this morning to live
I choose
To live in joy and harmony
With each and every step that I take
I thank the Lord and this promise I make
That I will live in celebration of life
Remember my choice through the pain and the strife
I now choose to live
In celebration of life
I will stand tall
I will get up each time that I fall
With each passing day
I will grow stronger
I now choose to live
I’m alive!
I’m alive!
I am alive!
I celebrate this feeling inside!
I am alive!
