Why I Write

One of the first things I was told when I chose to leave my marriage was to “keep quiet” and “don’t make a scene.” I followed this counsel very strictly for a long time. I felt such a need to “keep the peace” and “not make waves.” But there was something inside of me that was telling me that this was not okay. Sweeping my experience under the carpet has been the most common reaction when I have tried to share what I went through.

So I ask myself this question, “Why do I feel the need to share my experience? Why don’t I just ‘move on’ and forget that any of the abuse ever happened?” This question has been very dominant in my mind for quite some time. There are two main reasons that I have come up with.

When I was still trying to make the decision to leave the abuse, I was faced with the challenge of how to truly leave. I had no resources and needed assurance of my children’s and my safety. I was given the option of moving into a shelter for people escaping domestic violence. At the time I still couldn’t clearly see what I was experiencing and felt that I didn’t belong in a domestic violence shelter. Those shelters were for women who were physically beaten, had been hospitalized, or their abuser was in jail. I didn’t fit in with them. I was “just” verbally and psychologically abused, or at least that was all I could admit to at that moment.

One day, while trying to decide what to do, I was pleading with God to know what was right. How could I protect my children? How could I save my family? What was I supposed to do? I felt that I needed to use the services of the shelter, which caused much crying and pleading with the Lord. I don’t belong there! How can I justify going there? How could I admit to what I have been experiencing in such a humiliating way? When it really came down to it, if I went to the shelter I would be admitting to myself that what I had experienced was real. After years of minimalizing the abuse I would finally be coming out of the dark and admitting to the truth of my life. I just wasn’t sure that I felt strong enough to do that.

While pleading with God at that time, I saw a scene in my mind’s eye. The scene was of me teaching at the shelter. I didn’t know what I was teaching, but I knew that the reason the women were listening to me and benefiting from my class was because they knew that I had been where they were. They knew that I was speaking from experience. I could help them because I got help and learned from my experience. At that moment I knew that God had a mission for me. He wanted me to heal and then help others who were in a similar situation to what I had experienced. That is the first reason that I have chosen to write this blog.

The second reason I have chosen to write about my experiences is a little bit harder to put into words. In order to explain it, I need to explain a little about my philosophy of why we are here on this earth living this life.

I grew up being taught that this life is a test and that we were here to see if we could “pass the test” and make it back to God. I have always struggled with this way of thinking. I don’t like tests. They make me uncomfortable and stressed. After much study and prayer I have come up with a different way of thinking. In the end, it is basically the same concept but worded differently.

I believe that we all have the potential, through the atonement of Christ, to become like God. I believe He is literally the father of our spirits and that He wants for us to become our greatest potential. This life is a time for us to find and work through all of our weaknesses so that we can be our best selves. Every part of our personality that is not god-like needs to be worked through and either changed or eliminated from our being. We cannot be like God if we are caught up in the ways of the natural man. Our purpose in being here is to overcome our weaknesses and the natural man that is within each of us.

Truly looking at ourselves means not sweeping things under the carpet. One of the biggest problems with domestic violence is that, more often than not, it is hidden, pushed aside, not talked about. And when people choose to talk about it they are harshly judged even though they were the victim of the abuse. I’m not saying that we should be broadcasting the details of our personal lives, but we should be able to get help, find hope, and be given an opportunity to heal.

I write so that people will know what domestic violence looks like so they will give themselves permission to seek help. I have no intention of seeking revenge on my ex-husband. I do not write to shame him, hurt him, or hurt his chances of having a new life. My writing has nothing to do with him. My writing has to do with me processing my pain and showing others that there is hope for a better life and that they don’t have to hide. It is okay to honestly look at a relationship and see it for what it is. How else will anything ever change? If we keep hiding the truth of what is happening behind closed doors then we will never be able to stop the cycle of abuse.

This month is about raising awareness. That is what I’m seeking to do. While living in the abuse I couldn’t see clearly what was happening. Now that I am out of it I am horrified by what I lived through. We don’t have to live our lives in fear! We don’t have to live our lives in pain! There is hope! There are organizations and people who can help us! We must stop this cycle of domestic violence and abuse! And the only way to do that is to talk about it.

That is why I write.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month

The life I had dreamed of was suddenly in view

A husband, a house, children in the future

I changed my life, I changed my name

I chose to step into a new world with him

But something wasn’t quite right

It started with little things

Comparing me to his mother and to woman in the media

I couldn’t do anything right

“Why aren’t you like other women?’ I was asked repeatedly

Embarrassed, I began to withdraw

I withdrew from my friends, my family, my self

I didn’t want anyone to know I was a failure as a wife

The world saw my happy face while inside I was crying

His anger got worse all the time

Always angry, always volatile, always someone else’s fault

Living in fear, trying to keep the children from setting him off

Whatever it takes to keep him from getting angry

Hiding the children from the public eye while bruises healed

Trying to be whatever he wants in order to protect myself

Slowly, the woman I once was died more and more each day

Depression, regret, pain, grief, sadness

All a part of daily life

But still putting on a happy face to the world

No one can know

But people do know

Some people recognize the signs and try to reach out

I defend him, justify his behavior, attempt to squash the idea that my marriage isn’t ideal

While inside I’m screaming for help, wishing someone would rescue me

Praying for death but afraid of leaving the children with him

Wanting to leave but feeling that it would be impossible

How could I possibly take care of my family on my own?

What would my church think of me if I left?

My children needed their father, needed a two parent home

I couldn’t break the covenant of marriage

It wasn’t really that bad

But it was

I was living in a nightmare and felt there was no way to wake up

Maybe if I prayed harder, maybe I just needed more faith

If I just read my scriptures more and prayed more than things would change

But they didn’t

I got in trouble for how much time I spent on those things

Everything I did and tried was turned against me

I searched and searched for a reason to stay until that day finally came

The day when the fear and pain of staying finally became worse than the fear and pain of leaving

I literally thought that I would die if I left

But I was already dying while staying

I couldn’t do it for even one more day

I couldn’t witness my children’s abuse for another moment

So we left

I didn’t want to make him angry

I didn’t want to hurt his chances to change and have a future

Mostly I feared making him angry

So I only told people who had to know what was going on

I kept quiet as much as possible about the why’s of leaving

Many people judged me

I lost many friends

My circle of support was extremely small

But it was enough

The hardest thing I ever did was leave my marriage

I thought I left because I was weak

I was so embarrassed

But I soon came to know that I left because I was strong

I chose to protect my family

I chose to stand up for myself

With very little support I was able to walk away from abuse and choose a new life

And it didn’t take long to find a new support system that was stronger than I had had before

Nothing in this situation is easy

Nothing is ideal

Every single day is a challenge

But it is so much better than the life of abuse we use to live each day

Now my children and I can become who we want to become

Now we can live without the fear

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

One in four women experience domestic violence in their life

They don’t choose domestic violence

They don’t choose abuse

And most don’t know how to get out

If you or someone you know is caught in the vicious cycle of abuse, please get help

thehotline.org is an excellence resource to turn to

Their 24/7 hotline is 1-800-799-7233

There is life after domestic violence

Life can become worth living once again