I recently had the opportunity to attend a single adult
activity with a man that I had some interest in. He was someone easy to talk to
and we had a lot in common. I was excited for this chance to spend some time
with him as well as getting to know other single adults in the area.
When we got to the activity, something I was not prepared
for emotionally took place. Another woman became very friendly and attentive to
the man I was with! We were not there on a date so I just tried to back off and
see what would happen and ended up spending a lot of the day watching this
woman finding any excuse she could to make physical contact with the man. This
created a lot of strange emotions and thoughts within me. Many of which
centered around my self-worth and attractiveness.
Over the next few days as I reflected on the experience,
many thoughts and negative messages ran through my mind that made me question
my worth as a woman in the dating world. Maybe if I wore make-up I would have
been more appealing. Maybe if I wore more trendy clothes or had my hair fixed
nice he would have noticed me more. Maybe if I was more bubbly, less independent,
or was more helpless then I would be more datable. Messages from when I was a
late teen and in my early twenty’s came back to my mind. The main two being, “You
are just too weird,” and, “Amy, you are the kind of girl a guy wants to marry,
not the kind of girl a guy likes to date.” Yes, I was told those things.
I also had the negative messages from my marriage replay in
my mind. I was not allowed to cut my hair during my marriage. One time I was
sick of my hair so I cut it to shoulder length. I was told that my long hair
had been the only thing that was helping my ex-husband see past my weight. I
was only about a hundred and fifty-five pounds at the time. He assured me after
several days of cooling down that even though I was hideous to look at that he
still was willing to have sex with me. Lucky me… Thoughts about my weight and
my need to have long hair in order to be attractive came back to me because of
that experience at the single adult activity.
As the negative messages from the world and my past play in
my mind, I have a choice. Continue to feed these messages by believing them and
giving them power, or tell myself, “These words do not define me! These words
are not who I am!” And then give myself some positive messages instead.
Yesterday when I got out of the shower I saw myself in the
mirror. An interesting sequence of thoughts passed through my mind that, I
felt, showed a positive change in dealing with negative messages and body
image. When I saw myself I thought, “Wow, Amy! You look good!” Immediately
following that was the thought, “Oh, man, Amy, you are fat!” Here is the
thought that followed that caused me to feel like I have made progress, “I may
be fat, but at least I look good fat!” I know that it still holds negative
energy about how I feel about myself, but it showed me that I am on my way to
accepting myself. Baby steps. ;)
As I sit here today, I have come to realize that no matter
what situation I am in, no matter who I am around or who I want to impress, I
will never walk away happy if I compromise who I am. I need to be myself no
matter what. I have tried wearing make-up and don’t feel comfortable when I do,
so I need to accept that about myself. Sometimes I like my hair long, sometimes
I like it short. I shouldn’t feel like it has to be a certain way in order to
have a man attracted to me. I am independent and really don’t “need” a man in
my life. That is a wonderful thing in my mind. I don’t want a man who needs me
to need him. I can be strong in who I am and hopefully one day I will be able
to have a man who can be a companion in life. As far as my weight is concerned,
I am a great person with a fun personality no matter what my size. When I am
happy, I really am a very attractive person. :)
I am very grateful for the chance to learn about myself.
Though at the time there were many awkward and uncomfortable feelings, I am
glad to have reevaluated how I feel about myself and am ready to move forward
with being more clear about who and what I am.
