Support

There are a lot of misconceptions in our society about trauma, abuse, and bad experiences. Society has unspoken rules about how long you can mourn or how long you have before you need to “get over” an experience. A common phrase is, “time heals all wounds.” That is one of the biggest lies taught. Time may dull the pain but it doesn’t heal. In order to heal, a person has to process the emotions and work through the pain. That takes a different amount of time for every single person and often that person is being retraumatized even though they no longer share the same house with their abuser but have to have contact for various reasons.

Several years after a trauma, like leaving an abusive marriage, people on the outside want all evidence of the past erased and for you to have a new life. If you bring up things from the past then they often get upset and say you haven’t forgiven, that you need to move on, that you need to stop living in the past. What those people don’t understand is that the experience isn’t all in the past. Just because you no longer live with an abusive partner doesn’t mean that their abuse has stopped. Just because that abusive person has remarried doesn’t mean that what happened in the previous marriage never existed. Having children together means continual contact at least until the children are eighteen but, in reality, it continues for the rest of your life.

So what kind of support can you give to a person who is trying to move on from a traumatic relationship? How can you help?

Give a hug.

In the five and a half years since leaving the marriage, other than my kids climbing on me and the occasional handshake or hug, I have not been touched. My soul longs for contact, safe contact, with other humans. Don’t be overbearing. Just be loving. No words are needed. Just a simple hug.

A kind word.

Don’t ask me how things are unless you really want to know the truth. And if you don’t want to know the truth, please don’t avoid me. Just say something kind, like: “I’ve been thinking about you,” or: “I’m happy to see you.” Don’t ask questions unless you want to know the answers. Don’t defend my ex. Don’t tell me how I should be living my life or how I should forget the court order because it was made years ago. Just be kind. If you can’t think of anything to say then just smile and wave. It really hurts to see people in the grocery store that were once your friend and have them turn their back on you when they see you looking at them. It doesn’t take much effort to smile and wave.

Don’t judge.

Everyone has an opinion. Gossip and rumors are spread every day. Please remember that the things you have heard are not the whole story. The majority of people will not know even half of what happens in a situation. There is always another side to the story even if you never hear it. If you honestly want to know if a rumor you heard is true then ask the person the rumor was about! If you don’t want to know the truth then don’t pass on the information you heard. When you judge a person it hurts them, even if you don’t have daily contact with them. Stop the gossip. Stop the rumors. They hurt.

Be there but don’t push.

If someone asks me how I am doing, ninety percent of the time I am going to give a short answer and leave out most of how I am really doing. That isn’t because I’m being rude, it is because much trust has been broken and life still hurts. It hurts very badly. When I am ready, I will share my true thoughts with a person who has proven trustworthy, but don’t push me if I seem hesitant to share information.

Be conscientious.

Some questions are just not helpful. You can ask me if I am dating yet but don’t say, “So when are you going to find yourself a man?” And please don’t say, “It’s about time for you to move on, isn’t it?” Those kinds of questions don’t help. Think about how you would feel if someone spoke to you like that. I don’t need advice on how to find a man or how to forgive or how to raise my kids unless I ask for the advice. Sometimes I do ask. But if I didn’t ask, then don’t assume it is your responsibility to tell me. The biggest thing is to think before you speak. Then you are less likely to hurt or offend.

Just simply show love.

A little bit of love goes a long way. Let go of judgment, drop any hidden agendas. If you can’t offer love from yourself then offer God’s love. It can be really confusing to know more than one person involved in a situation. The best thing you can do is to connect to God’s love for the people involved and let that love shine through you. If you are filled with God’s love and are connected to Him, He will give you the words to say or impress upon your mind how you can help. It truly is the best support you can give.

No matter what the trauma a person has gone through, there is a continual need for support. You can be that support with very little effort. You don’t have to get into the middle of an uncomfortable situation, you just simply need to bring God’s love with you into every interaction. If you do that, you will be helping a person to truly heal. And that is what every one of us needs.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Become aware of the signs of abuse and learn to give support to those that are trying to recover from their trauma. We all have pain and we all need love. Let's move past the judgment and help each other.

Lessons from the Mudstash

At the beginning of this summer I had the chance to participate in my fifth Mudstash race. The Mudstash is hosted by a ski slope in Southeast Indiana and is sponsored by 24 Hour Fitness. This event has become something I look forward to every year as it was the first big thing I did to help create the new Amy after leaving the painful experience of my marriage. There is a special event held the night before the Mudstash called the Bash Before the Stash. They raise money and give all the proceeds to Safe Passage, the incredible shelter that assisted me in creating my new life. I am so grateful to the many people and organizations who support Safe Passage and make it possible for this shelter to continue to serve our community.

With each Mudstash I have had a different experience and learned something new about myself. In all the previous events there has always been someone that I know running with me. This year was different. Because of other things going on the same day, I was not able to find anyone to go with me. It was also the same day as my nephew’s high school graduation and he was the valedictorian so I didn’t want to miss supporting him on his special day. I contemplated not going but just couldn’t allow a year to pass without making this symbolic run through the mud and obstacles. I ended up deciding to run in the first noncompetitive heat and then rush back to the school to get to the graduation. It was going to be close but it felt like something that I needed to do.

My mom ended up in town that day so I asked her to come with me to support and cheer me on. She agreed so early Saturday morning she made the forty-five minute drive with me to Perfect North Slopes. I was feeling a bit anxious that there would be no one with me that I knew but at the same time felt like this could give me a chance to really see what I could do. I never get a timing device when I do this race. I have always been more concerned with making sure everyone in my group feels supported and can make it to the end, no matter how long it takes.

When my start time neared I gathered with the other racers at the start line. There was a man there giving instructions about the course. What he said made a huge impact on my mind. He announced, “This is not necessarily a race. There are many obstacles but if you cannot make it over an obstacle you can always go around it. Remember, there is always an easier way.”

As the airhorn sounded and we all raced off to face our first mud pit, his words repeated in my mind. “This is not necessarily a race… There is always an easier way.” This phrase went through my mind over and over and over as I climbed hills, waded through waist deep mud, climbed walls, swung on ropes, crawled through pipes, and many other demanding and challenging obstacles.

I thought about how this event was not only important to me, but was also very symbolic of life. Life is not a race. We all go about it at a different speed that works for us. We don’t need to compare ourselves to others. There is no timetable. We can take as much or as little time as we need with each obstacle we face. Also, when an obstacle is so overwhelming, there is always an easier way. We just have to find it.

There was another amazing thing that happened during this year’s event. I am not in very good physical condition. I don’t work out and don’t take the best care of myself. Even though I don’t train to do this event I still make myself attempt every obstacle. I have never been capable of completing every obstacle. I might hang onto a rope then drop off and walk because I can’t climb it. But at least I try. This year I was doing really well with completing the obstacles. Then I got to one that I didn’t think I could do. There is a long horizontal bar that you have to jump up to grab on to. After that you are supposed to shimmy across it to a log and jump up onto rings then swing across the rings to the other side. Last year I could barely even jump up and grab onto the bar where I quickly lost my grip and fell into the mud below. This year I stood on the platform and looked across the obstacle. The man’s voice came into my head, “There is always an easier way.” I knew that I could just walk around the obstacle and there would be no penalty but something inside of me said, “You need to try!”

I jumped up and grabbed the horizontal bar. I didn’t lose my grip! I decided to try to shimmy across, not sure I could do it. I made it halfway across and there was a chain holding the bar up that I had to get my hands around. I focused and pushed myself to pass over the chain. I made it! I kept going and made it all the way to the log where you can rest before getting on the rings. I stopped for a moment, in shock that I had made it this far. I looked up at the rings and remembered previous times of attempting rings. I had never succeeded in swinging between rings and grabbing a new ring to swing forward to another ring. I had always lost my grip after the first one. Should I get down and walk around? What if I fell off and the people around me saw me fail? I just couldn’t let myself go past without trying.

Reaching up, I jumped and caught hold of the ring. Fear went through me and I considered just dropping down into the mud. Instead I began to swing myself, focusing on the next ring to grab. I reached out and grabbed the next one, then the next. Before I knew it, I was across and jumping down on the other side of the obstacle. I literally jumped in the air and shouted in excitement. I did it! Then I felt self conscious because there was no one around that I knew so I hurried on to the next obstacle. :)

I could not believe that I had completed that obstacle! Even though I felt so out of shape and incapable I was stronger than I was a year ago! I was so full of energy and excitement! It felt so amazing!

Before long I came to my biggest nemesis: monkey bars. By this time my arms felt dead. I had no strength left. But I jumped up there and gave it a try. The second monkey bar rotated as I grabbed it and I fell into the mud below. This year I was not able to do the monkey bars but that was okay. When I was not capable of completing the task, there was an easier way. I walked through the mud and kept going on to the next obstacle. And I was okay with that. I did the best I could.

When you near the end of the Mudstash, there is a long waterslide that goes down the hill. I stood at the top of the waterslide and looked down at the ski lodge. Sitting there where I could see her was my mom as well as a very dear friend who I didn’t know was going to come watch me. I was so filled with joy to see these two women! Knowing they were there gave me so much strength and so much hope. I was supported. I was loved.

I finished the last of the obstacles with these two women following along on the sidelines, cheering for me and smiling whenever I looked their way. My soul was so filled with joy! As I crawled through the last mud pit, my whole body was so extremely tired that I just wasn’t sure I could keep going, but my cheerleaders gave me strength. I crossed the finish line and we all rejoiced together. I was nice enough to shower before giving each of them a hug. :)

Over the next few days I contemplated the event and the words that were spoken before starting, “This is not necessarily a race… There is always an easier way.” Comparing this to regular life, I wondered to myself, what is that easier way? For me, the easier way is Jesus Christ. He is the one that shows an alternate path when we can’t move forward. He is the one that supports us and strengthens us when we try to get over an obstacle. But that doesn’t mean that the path is easy. It is far from easy. Following Christ can be very hard and challenging. So how could I compare Him to the “easier way?”

For me, I cannot get through something unless I feel there is some reason for experiencing it. I need to know why and I need to have a purpose for myself. We don’t always have the answers to those questions but for me, having Christ at the center gives me purpose and fills me with hope. Having Christ assist me on the path brings peace and comfort. And the eternal perspective gained by being close to Christ can even answer the question, “why?” So Christ really is the easier way because without Him I have no purpose or goal.

The lessons from the Mudstash continue to influence my life. It brings a feeling of great accomplishment to my soul every time that I participate. Even when it doesn’t feel like much has changed, I am getting stronger each year. I can do things that I never thought possible. And though I may have to run the course alone at times, there are always those who love me cheering from the sidelines and giving me strength. All of these experiences help give me purpose and I am left feeling that I can keep going. And next year I just may be strong enough to make it across those monkey bars!

Do You Trust Me?

by Amy Tiare

“Do you trust me?”

The words flow in my mind

As I pause to question God

In the only spare moment I find

“Of course I trust you!”

I exclaim in great haste

Then leap to my feet

To the next assignment I race

“Do you trust me?”

The question comes yet again

When I pray for deliverance

And want to know when

“I already said I trust you!”

In frustration I reply

“But don’t you know I need some steps,

A recipe to live by?”

“Do you trust me?”

The Lord pleads in my ears

As I reach my very breaking point

And am overcome with tears

“I’m not sure that I trust you”

I quietly admit

Afraid of what He’ll think of me

Feeling that I’m unfit

“If you want to trust me,”

A gentle voice explains

“You need to stop and take a break

From life’s great hurricanes”

“I do want to trust you”

I cry out in my heart

“I just don’t know how to do it

I’m afraid I’ll fall apart”

“Do you trust me?”

A quiet voice entreats

His hands reach out to take my own

He brings me to my feet

“I think I can trust you”

I look into His eyes

“I don’t know how to do this

But I really want to try”

“You do trust me”

He hugs me while He smiles

Then slowly walks me through my life

And helps me with my trials

“Yes, I trust you”

I sigh in great relief

“You took my hands and filled my soul

You helped my unbelief”