Dear X,
This month would have been our fourteenth wedding
anniversary. Instead it is our three year divorce anniversary. I don’t know
that I will ever get used to that word, “divorce.” It seems so foreign, like
something you would only see on a movie or TV show but never experience in real
life. If someone would have told me twenty years ago that I would be divorced I
would have said they were crazy. That could never happen to me! Yet here we
are, three years post-divorce.
As gifts are often given to celebrate anniversaries, I have
a gift that I would like to give to you. It is a gift that is long overdue and
a gift that I hope someday you can also give.
X, even though it has
been three years since the divorce was legally finalized, I have continued to be
plagued with memories, both good and bad, of our time together. I have
continued to have hope of things changing as well as feelings of betrayal when
things don’t. I have felt grief at the loss of what we could have had at the
same time as rejoicing at not having to be in the struggle and pain experienced
when we were together. Overall, I guess I have come to realize that even though
we are divorced, you are still affecting me and how I live. That is why I have
decided it is time for me to forgive you.
In case you misunderstand my gift, I would like to explain
what forgiveness means, and doesn’t mean, to me. My own understanding of
forgiveness has changed greatly over time, especially these last few years.
The most simple example of forgiveness that comes to mind is
when one of our children hurts another one, we tell the offending child to say,
“I’m sorry,” and the hurt child is supposed to say, “That’s okay,” and then they
hug and move on like nothing ever happened. There are many things wrong with
this example of forgiveness, but it is probably how most people experience
their first trials of “forgiving” others. The thing I don’t like about this
example is that it leaves the mistaken impression that when someone has said
they are sorry, we are supposed to pretend that nothing ever happened. The Lord
said that when we repent, He will remember our sins no more but He never said
that when we forgive that we are to forget everything that happened to us. On
the contrary! He has repeatedly told us, even commanded us, to remember. Why
are we supposed to remember? Because that is the only way that we can learn and
keep from repeating the same mistakes over and over again.
So for me, forgiveness does NOT mean forgetting.
Another misconception about forgiving is that when we
forgive someone we immediately trust them. It is often believed that that is
what “true” forgiveness means. So if someone breaks into my house and molests
my daughter, would that mean that I would have to invite the perpetrator over
to my house for dinner in order to show that I have truly forgiven them? Obviously not. I can fully and completely (over time) forgive the perpetrator
and still never allow them contact with my family again.
So for me, forgiveness does NOT mean trusting.
If forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or trusting, then
what DOES it mean??
A dear friend once told me, “Forgiveness is giving up ALL
hope of a better past. I can’t change the past, can’t change other people. I
CAN choose whether I let my abuser continue to hurt me by allowing their past
words and actions to affect me now.” So today I am choosing to give up hope of
us having a better past. X, we can’t change the past. What has been done has
been done. But right now, in this moment, I am choosing to no longer allow our
past together to hurt me. You no longer have power over me.
Does giving up all hope of a better past mean that I will
forget all that has happened? No. There is no way I can ever forget what took
place between us. There is no way I can ever forget how I felt when we were
together. Our experience together changed me. It changed me forever. I can
never go back to who I once was. And, in all honesty, I wouldn’t want to. I
have learned a great deal from the last fourteen years. Things I could have
never learned with anyone else. I want to take all of this knowledge and
experience and use it to better myself and help others. I will never forget,
but I will forgive.
My own definition of forgiveness is to no longer allow the
past to have power over the now. In reality, forgiveness isn’t about you or for
you. Forgiveness is for me. I am the one being hurt when I don’t forgive and I
am the one able to heal when I do forgive. Forgiving you does not excuse your
past behavior or make what you have done okay. I will not be inviting you over
for dinner or having any contact other than what is court ordered to have
happen. I will, however, be taking back my power and letting go of all
negativity.
At this moment I actually feel that I need to thank you. You
have shown me parts of myself that I never knew existed. You have given me opportunity
to learn how to stand up for myself, something I didn’t have the ability to do
when I was younger. You have taught me what I do and do not want in future
relationships. You have given me experience that has helped me to more clearly
define who and what I am. So, thank you! Thank you for all these years of
learning and growth. I anticipate that I will be able to continue to learn for
many years from the time we spent together. You have given me a great gift.
There is a Sanskrit word that I would like to share with
you. Loosely translated it means, “The highest and best in me sees and honors
the highest and best in you.” The word is: Namaste. I feel a need to say this to you. You have been a great teacher.
X, I forgive you.
Namaste
