Anger

I don’t like anger. I don’t like other people being angry and I especially don’t like myself being angry. I was married to a very angry man. I always described him as “passionate” because he was very passionate about everything, whether it really mattered or not. One day I was rationalizing his behavior to a friend by calling him passionate when the friend said, “You know, that’s just a really nice way of saying that he is an angry man.” He was right. I had tried for a long time to justify and rationalize his behavior instead of dealing with the problem directly. Avoiding the truth just ended up hurting us both.

I feel that one of the biggest issues we have as a culture is that we don’t teach coping skills openly. We all grow up, both male and female, being given messages like, “Buck up!”  “Be a man!” “Big girls don’t cry!” We are taught that showing emotion is a weakness. As a society we are supposed to be happy even though most people don’t feel that way. When asked on the street, “How are you?” we are supposed to answer with, “Fine,” or else people feel uncomfortable. I don’t think we should all spill our life story to every one we meet, but I do feel we could all be a little more honest so that our beings will learn how to process and release emotions instead of hiding what is inside. There was a time that when I was asked how I was doing I would answer, “I’m in progress.” If someone wanted to know more they could ask or if they didn’t really want to know they wouldn’t say anything.

Learning to cope with emotions instead of hiding them is a difficult process. The most important thing needed in coping is to be able to acknowledge what you are feeling. Most of us can identify if we feel sad, happy, or angry but beyond those basic emotions it can be hard to really figure out what you’re feeling. One of the things we teach people who are seeking for healing in their lives is how to identify what they are feeling. In our office we have a list of emotions that we pass out to people. We tell them to take a few minutes each day and pick two emotions from the list that they felt that day and write them down. By writing an emotion down, it is like giving your subconscious permission to process and let it go. In the beginning it can be as simple as just writing down the specific word but as people desire greater healing it is good to write what you feel about that emotion and how you see it in yourself.

There are many techniques to coping with emotions and not all of them work for each person. I still struggle with anger when I feel it. I want to run away from it or stuff it down so far that I won’t feel it. I am actively trying to figure out what works for me in processing anger. I have a punching bag in my living room for those days I just need to hit something. Sometimes I just need to temporarily get away from whatever is bringing the anger up in me. Sometimes I need to scream or cry. One time my children and I were really struggling with anger so we bought a couple bags of ice and took turns throwing ice at the garage wall while screaming. That was a great release!

Every emotion is important. They tell us about ourselves and help us know how we are doing in our progress in becoming like God. The most important thing about emotions is learning to not get stuck in them, to learn and grow from them, to not allow emotions to control your actions but learn to choose your actions to best help your emotions. Hopefully one day I will be better at it!

What emotions do you struggle with?