Alaska

Have you ever experienced such incredible joy that your complete body and soul is overcome to the point of tears and weakness of physical strength? I never had until this week. The first time it happened was when my mom, my children, and myself were driving from Anchorage, Alaska down to my hometown of Homer. I had not been to Alaska in fourteen years.

That last time I was in Alaska was very significant to me. My purpose in being there was to help my dad pack up his and my mom’s cabin and drive down the Alcan (Alaska Canada Highway) to move them to Washington State. That meant that I would have no more family in Homer where I had lived from age six to seventeen. Also, while helping pack, I had a very distinct impression that I needed to prepare myself because I would be moving soon. Several weeks after returning from my trip I was proposed to and several months later was married, spiraling me down a path of almost completely losing myself and my identity.

The last couple of years have been spent trying to repair the damage received and experienced during that marriage. I have prayed, searched, and pleaded to find my true self. I have changed my name in order to be set free from the bondage and control. I have attempted to find my dimples that only show while smiling.

A few months ago I was informed that my original high school class would be having their twenty year high school reunion this July. I didn’t actually graduate with that class but had attended school with them for most of my schooling. I was invited by one of my old classmates to attend the reunion but didn’t think there would be any way possible for me to attend. My sister found out about the reunion and secretly started a fundraiser to help me and my children to make the trip. Once I found out about it I had to make plans to go because people had donated money for that cause and I would feel guilty using that money for anything else. Being overwhelmed by the thought of traveling alone with four children I asked my mom to come with us. She gladly accepted my invitation and we got our tickets.

Alaska has always been a place of healing for me. The air is so pure, the land such a high vibration. It just feels so good to be there. When people say, “Go to your happy place,” I always picture Alaska. More specifically, I picture the view driving into Homer. I hoped that by returning, I would be able to connect to that healing space and remember who I am.

This week we finally were able to make the trip. As we drove out of Anchorage I was flooded with happy memories and overcome by the beauty of the land and sea. Looking out the window I became so overwhelmed by joy that I began to weep quietly. We stopped at many places that I remember visiting as a kid and continued to experience those feelings of awe and joy. The mountains and water soothed my soul and calmed my spirit.

When we finally reached the lookout above Homer, looking out at Kachemak Bay, I felt that I was finally home. I wanted to drink in everything in sight, making it a permanent part of who I am. Words cannot describe adequately the feelings I experienced.

The next day we spent walking on the beach, letting the children gather seashells and rocks and splash in the water. The weather was perfect! That evening I left my children with my mom and went to my high school reunion. I spent several hours talking to people who I hadn’t seen in twenty years! People who didn’t know me during my marriage. People who still thought of me as the basketball playing, book reading, Darling girl (my maiden name is Darling). I had so much fun!

After the reunion, I drove around town a little bit, thinking and pondering. It was nearly midnight but still light. I stopped by Beluga lake where we used to ice skate in the winter and walked to the water’s edge. There was an indescribable feeling inside that caused me to think that God had something to say to me. I quietly meditated and prayed. The thought came into my mind, “I love you, Amy. I love you for who you are.” I silently asked if maybe I should move back here, since I felt so good being here. The thought came, “You can live wherever you desire. I will love and accept you. I do have a work for you, if you choose. You get to choose.” I knew right away that I needed to return back to Indiana. Being in Homer, Alaska was a wonderful and great thing. I could recharge my soul and enjoy every minute of my trip. In the end, I had a life and a mission to help others on their healing path.

I am so grateful for the opportunity to visit my hometown. I am so grateful to all the people who made it possible for me to make this trip. I am so grateful to God for being patient with me and giving me what I need, when I truly need it. This life may be challenging and difficult, but there is so much beauty to enjoy and joy to be had. And that joy can be strong enough to bring happy tears and weaken the physical body. Thank you, God, for this amazing world and a life to live!

Mudstash

For the last two years I have used the month of July as a special month for celebrating my freedom to choose my own life and become who I desire to be. As part of that process I had posted daily thoughts about something I learned about myself or an opinion I have had. This year I will not be doing daily posts. I am still dedicated to continuing to learn about and express myself but will doing it in a different way. Today I would like to share an event that I look forward to every year that has become my annual celebration of being free.

When I was approaching my one year anniversary of escaping my abusive marriage, I wanted to do something to truly celebrate my freedom. In my younger years I had been very athletic and adventurous. Throughout my marriage I had become extremely out of shape and unhealthy. As I talked with my family about doing something to celebrate my new life, my brother-in-law asked if I had ever heard of the Mudstash, an obstacle course through the mud at the local ski slope. I laughed at him, considering my state of physical health. He insisted that it would be a great thing for me to do. “The old Amy would have jumped at the chance to do this,” he pushed. Even though I have never been a runner, an obstacle course through the mud certainly was something I would have done in my younger years. And it was something my ex-husband would have never allowed me to do. The thought intrigued me. ;)

I looked into the Mudstash but decided that I would need to spend the next year getting in shape and then participate in it. My son, who was eight at the time, heard us talking about it and immediately wanted to do it. There are two courses offered at the Mudstash; the full course was over four miles and the mini was a mile and a half. My son kept insisting that we should do it. They didn’t allow kids under ten to do the full so we would have to do the mini. A mile and a half seemed doable. I finally was convinced to sign up. My then nine year old daughter decided she should do it, too. We were able to find a great friend to agree to come along as my daughter’s running companion and I would stay with my son.

The day came at the end of May in 2013. It was only in the low 50’s outside and it felt cold. My brother-in-law and his youngest daughter came along as well and the six of us were so excited for this adventure. The path was very challenging. There were times that I didn’t think I would be able to keep up with my son and times when I had to keep him motivated to move forward. We took our time and ended up muddy, exhausted, and cold. But the overall feeling we all had was of fulfillment, excitement, and being very proud of ourselves and each other. We made it! Even though my son felt that he would never cross the finish line, he begged to do it again the next year.

Doing the Mudstash made me feel a joy that I had forgotten existed. I was on a high from accomplishing such a course. I knew that this would become a yearly tradition for me.

In 2014, my two older children and I once again decided to do the mini. We did it in September this time, hoping for a warmer experience. The weather was great and this time I kept both kids with me so that we could do it together. We had a wonderful experience, crawling through the mud, climbing over obstacles, sliding down hillsides, trudging through mudholes. We enjoyed each other’s company and built our struggling relationships. It was so rewarding and enjoyable.

In May of 2015 we had our next Mudstash experience. My father, who lives on the other side of the country, said he wanted to come out and do the Mudstash with my family and my sister’s family. We were excited to share this experience with him so decided to make a super big deal out of him coming. In secret, we invited all of our siblings (there are seven of us kids total) from all over the country to come out here to Indiana to surprise my parents. It had been seven years since we had last all been together. We somehow managed to keep the whole thing a secret and arranged a special meeting where I would bring all my siblings to a room where my sister had our parents waiting. The joy was overwhelming as my family was together once again.

The next day after we all got together was the Mudstash. There were fifteen of us running it together. We had t-shirts printed that said, “The family that stashes together lasts forever.” This time we did the full course. We took our time, staying together and making sure everyone was having a good time. There was one point, at the zipline, where we stayed for about thirty minutes doing the zipline over and over again until our arms were so tired we could hardly lift them. We laughed, struggled, had a few injuries, and pushed forward through it all, until we all crossed the finish line. It was one of the best experiences of my life.

This year ended up different for me. The previous three years were about completing the course with my family but this year my children were not with me the weekend of the race and my nieces and nephews were busy with other things. For a moment I wondered if I should skip this year but immediately knew that I couldn’t. I knew that in the past that Safe Passage, the domestic violence shelter that had helped me out, had had a team for the Mudstash. I contacted them and asked if I could join their team. They welcomed me with open arms. The race was a few weeks ago in early June. I went to the site by myself and had time to contemplate the significance of this race.

The main sponsor of the Mudstash is Anytime Fitness. They have started hosting a party the night before the Mudstash called, “The Bash Before the Stash.” All the proceeds from that Bash are donated to Safe Passage. This year I would be running the race with staff from Safe Passage. As I looked back over the last four years since I first entered Safe Passage I was filled with so much gratitude. I could see so much growth and change. I went from being a terrified victim to someone who speaks out against domestic violence and who teaches women at the shelter how to cope with their stress and trauma. This year was truly a celebration of my freedom.

There were ten people on our team. We ended up splitting up so the people that wanted to go faster wouldn’t be held back. I stayed with the slower group, helping make sure that everyone felt encouraged and was able to make it to the end. It was a very special experience for me. I was so much stronger physically this year than I have ever been. I was able to do obstacles that I had to pass by last year. I couldn’t do it all, by I could do so much more. I felt so good about my progress and how far I have come. And crossing the finish line with those amazing women was the greatest feeling ever!

Some people might look at my pictures and think it is all just a silly race, but to me, the Mudstash is about breaking free of control and abuse. It is about pushing through, no matter how challenging the experience is. It is about realizing that I can do anything I set my mind to. The Mudstash is about the freedom to become the true me. Thank you Anytime Fitness and Perfect North Slopes for giving me a way to celebrate my freedom! Thank you for helping me to celebrate me!