There are a lot of misconceptions in our society about
trauma, abuse, and bad experiences. Society has unspoken rules about how long
you can mourn or how long you have before you need to “get over” an experience.
A common phrase is, “time heals all wounds.” That is one of the biggest lies
taught. Time may dull the pain but it doesn’t heal. In order to heal, a person
has to process the emotions and work through the pain. That takes a different
amount of time for every single person and often that person is being
retraumatized even though they no longer share the same house with their abuser
but have to have contact for various reasons.
Several years after a trauma, like leaving an abusive
marriage, people on the outside want all evidence of the past erased and for
you to have a new life. If you bring up things from the past then they often
get upset and say you haven’t forgiven, that you need to move on, that you need
to stop living in the past. What those people don’t understand is that the
experience isn’t all in the past. Just because you no longer live with an
abusive partner doesn’t mean that their abuse has stopped. Just because that
abusive person has remarried doesn’t mean that what happened in the previous
marriage never existed. Having children together means continual contact at
least until the children are eighteen but, in reality, it continues for the rest
of your life.
So what kind of support can you give to a person who is
trying to move on from a traumatic relationship? How can you help?
Give a hug.
In the five and a half years since leaving the marriage,
other than my kids climbing on me and the occasional handshake or hug, I have
not been touched. My soul longs for contact, safe contact, with other humans. Don’t
be overbearing. Just be loving. No words are needed. Just a simple hug.
A kind word.
Don’t ask me how things are unless you really want to know
the truth. And if you don’t want to know the truth, please don’t avoid me. Just
say something kind, like: “I’ve been thinking about you,” or: “I’m happy to see
you.” Don’t ask questions unless you want to know the answers. Don’t defend my
ex. Don’t tell me how I should be living my life or how I should forget the
court order because it was made years ago. Just be kind. If you can’t think of
anything to say then just smile and wave. It really hurts to see people in the grocery
store that were once your friend and have them turn their back on you when they
see you looking at them. It doesn’t take much effort to smile and wave.
Don’t judge.
Everyone has an opinion. Gossip and rumors are spread every
day. Please remember that the things you have heard are not the whole story. The
majority of people will not know even half of what happens in a situation.
There is always another side to the story even if you never hear it. If you
honestly want to know if a rumor you heard is true then ask the person the
rumor was about! If you don’t want to know the truth then don’t pass on the
information you heard. When you judge a person it hurts them, even if you don’t
have daily contact with them. Stop the gossip. Stop the rumors. They hurt.
Be there but don’t push.
If someone asks me how I am doing, ninety percent of the
time I am going to give a short answer and leave out most of how I am really
doing. That isn’t because I’m being rude, it is because much trust has been
broken and life still hurts. It hurts very badly. When I am ready, I will share
my true thoughts with a person who has proven trustworthy, but don’t push me if
I seem hesitant to share information.
Be conscientious.
Some questions are just not helpful. You can ask me if I am
dating yet but don’t say, “So when are you going to find yourself a man?” And
please don’t say, “It’s about time for you to move on, isn’t it?” Those kinds
of questions don’t help. Think about how you would feel if someone spoke to you
like that. I don’t need advice on how to find a man or how to forgive or how to
raise my kids unless I ask for the advice. Sometimes I do ask. But if I didn’t
ask, then don’t assume it is your responsibility to tell me. The biggest thing
is to think before you speak. Then you are less likely to hurt or offend.
Just simply show love.
A little bit of love goes a long way. Let go of judgment,
drop any hidden agendas. If you can’t offer love from yourself then offer God’s
love. It can be really confusing to know more than one person involved in a
situation. The best thing you can do is to connect to God’s love for the people
involved and let that love shine through you. If you are filled with God’s love
and are connected to Him, He will give you the words to say or impress upon
your mind how you can help. It truly is the best support you can give.
No matter what the trauma a person has gone through, there
is a continual need for support. You can be that support with very little
effort. You don’t have to get into the middle of an uncomfortable situation, you
just simply need to bring God’s love with you into every interaction. If you do
that, you will be helping a person to truly heal. And that is what every one of
us needs.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Become aware of the signs of abuse and learn to give support to those that are trying to recover from their trauma. We all have pain and we all need love. Let's move past the judgment and help each other.
