Choosing Life

I learned earlier today that someone I knew when I was growing up committed suicide. I have been thinking a great deal about this as it has caused me to remember my emotional struggles and desire for death at different times in my life. I don’t know if everyone has an experience at some point in their life where they wonder whether it really is worth it to keep living, but I know there have been many times in my own life where I have had to really work at finding a reason to live.

As a young child I had a traumatic experience that caused me to wish for death. I never told anyone how I was feeling because I didn’t want anyone to think less of me. My desire to die became such a dominant part of my life that, for a time, everywhere I looked and every object I saw caused thoughts of how I could kill myself. Luckily I had a very strong conscience and felt that the most important thing for my existence was to one day be able to stand before God. I felt that if I killed myself that I wouldn’t be worthy of that. For a while that thought kept me living.

Though the desire to die dominated my teen years, I never attempted suicide or told anyone that I was contemplating it. Later on, when I revealed to my mom that I had had suicidal thoughts she was totally shocked. She told me that I was a great actor because she would have never known.

The thoughts of killing myself came and went but the thoughts of dying were constant. I truly believed that I would not ever live to see my twenty-first birthday. It was around the time that I was fifteen that I finally decided that I was here on earth for a purpose so I needed to find reasons to live.

At first the only reason I could come up with to live was that I didn’t want to die a virgin and I was determined to wait until marriage for sex so I couldn’t die until I had gotten married. I was a teenager and that seemed to be a strong enough motivator to keep me going for a little while. And I figured that if I could stay alive that long then I would eventually find a better reason to live. Then the thought that I clung to was: if I were to die today I might miss out on some great thing that would have happened tomorrow if I would have just stayed alive for one more day. That thought got me through some very hard times.

Over time of looking for reasons to live I finally began to find some good things in life. I met some great people who were able to counsel and guide me. I got professional counseling. I served faithfully in my church. I kept living even though I wasn’t sure that I wanted to.

By the time I was in my early twenties, I was beginning to actually find joy in my life. I had lived to the ripe old age of twenty-one and actually wanted to keep living! As I continually searched for good things in life I actually began to feel joy in living! To celebrate my new-found excitement for life I went skydiving for my twenty-fourth birthday. It was amazing!

It was when I had finally learned to live that I met the man I would marry. I was so excited to find someone that I could share this life experience with. I was thrilled to have lived long enough to fulfill my dreams of becoming a wife and a mother. I was on my way to live “happily ever after.

I remember the first time I had a suicidal thought during my marriage. Our second child was around a month old. We had a huge fight, one of way too many, and I walked into the spare bedroom and thought, “The only way out is to die! I really want to die!” Those thoughts and feelings only lasted a few minutes. I recalled all that I had been through in my life, all that I had learned, all the hard work I had put into finding a reason to live and I was able to push that thought aside and tell myself, “No! The answer is not to die! The answer is to work through this!” So I went back to my husband and told him about my thought process. He did not respond in a helpful way at all. He yelled at me and said, “So you would rather die than be with me?!” I was devastated by his response. I had gone to him to stop the cycle, to ask for help, and to help him see how serious our problems were. I knew then that I could never die because I had to keep my children safe and give them a chance at life.

As the marriage got progressively worse I was able to successfully stay out of the thought process of wanting to die. I knew I had to protect the children and I couldn’t do that if I wasn’t around. It was the need to protect the children that finally brought me to the point of realizing that I had to leave the marriage. Even though I wasn’t consciously thinking about dying, I was dying a slow and painful death. Every day I could feel less and less. Every day I lost more and more contact with the true me. I was nothing but a shell.

So the process of finding a reason to live began once again. I knew that living for my children would only help me temporarily. I had to find something more concrete. I had to become my true self.

I received a great compliment this week. Someone at church observed that every week I appear to be getting stronger and stronger. I believe that is because I have decided to keep my power instead of giving it away and because I am learning to be true to myself. The more that I live true to myself, the more reasons I have to live. I no longer have to hang onto the hope that tomorrow will be better in order to live. I live because there are good things to experience right now! The choice to live is not something we make just once; we make it every day, with every breath. I choose to live!

While going through the struggles as a teenager I wrote a couple of songs that helped me process what I was feeling. The words are below.

To Live or to Die

by Amy Tiare

To live or to die is the question

I don’t know which one to choose

Part of me wants to give up now

Part of me wants to refuse

Each day I walk through this life of mine

Feeling so empty and lonely

There’s so many things I wish I could do

My life is filled with “if only’s”

I want to live

I want to find a reason to continue on with life

I want to breath in the air each morning with a grateful heart for life

Oh, how can I change my mind?

How can I live with this pain?

I’m Alive!

by Amy Tiare

I choose

As I wake up this morning to live

I choose

To live in joy and harmony

With each and every step that I take

I thank the Lord and this promise I make

That I will live in celebration of life

Remember my choice through the pain and the strife

I now choose to live

In celebration of life

I will stand tall

I will get up each time that I fall

With each passing day

I will grow stronger

I now choose to live

I’m alive!

I’m alive!

I am alive!

I celebrate this feeling inside!

I am alive!