Today I was asked if I did anything special for Valentine’s
Day. I replied, “No, I’m single.” That simple comment took me by surprise. For
the last five years I have never once referred to myself as “single.” I have
always called myself “divorced.” I felt like I was being deceptive if I said I
was single so avoided that term. I didn’t want anyone to assume that because I
was single that I didn’t have any children or I hadn’t been through a marriage.
Because of my situation, I have carried all of my court
documents around with me for the last five years, just in case they were
needed. It gave me a feeling of safety, a form of protection for me and my
children. Last week I removed them from my bag and put them someplace easy to
get to if I ever needed them. It has been such a relief to not carry that burden
around with me anymore.
It is so easy to begin to define our life by big things we
experience whether it is a divorce, a health challenge, a wayward child, or any
number of other things that happen. In using experiences to define our identity
it can be easy to lose our true identity.
So, what defines who we are? Every thing we experience and
none of what we experience all at the same time. I am divorced, but that is not
all of my identity. I am a mother, but that is not all of my identity. I am a
massage therapist, but that is not all of my identity. The things I do are only
a part of who I am.
When I really sit with myself and look beyond what I do to see
who I am I see a woman who struggles with self-worth and purpose. I see someone
who continually strives for growth, wanting to become better today than I was
yesterday. I see weaknesses, loneliness, pain, struggle. I see strengths,
desire for connection, healing, faith. All of it is who I am.
I am also single. And that is okay.
I used to think that it was a bad thing to be single but there
are many things in life that are worse than being single.
As I approach the seven year mark of leaving the abusive
marriage, I realize that that experience does not have to define me. Yes, I had
that experience, but it is not who I am. It is just a part of what makes up my
story. We all have a story. Even though there are parts we might not enjoy as
much as other parts, all of it is important in who we are.
I am grateful for all that I have learned about myself in
the last seven years. I am grateful for all that I learned as a result of my
marriage. I am grateful that God knows me so well that He has given me everything
that I have needed in order to heal and live again. I’m still not perfect at
accepting all that He is providing for me, but I get better at it all the time.
What is the trick to finding out and connecting to our true
identity? It will be different for each person. If we sit in God’s love and let
that energy fill our soul, we can find our true self. We just need to "be." Stop "doing" and "be."
