Anniversaries are interesting things. Days to reflect on an
event, a time to evaluate what has happened during the last year. Depending on
the type of anniversary, stress or strong emotions may increase as the day
approaches.
Today is the four year anniversary of when I left my
marriage. During the last several sleepless nights as I have pondered my marriage and the many things that led to the
end of it, many emotions have
surfaced. I don’t believe that I will ever get to a point that I can reflect on
my marriage without feelings of deep sadness at the loss of what could have
been. At the same time there is still a feeling of great relief because of
being free from the emotional and verbal abuse that occurred on a regular
basis.
I have often been asked if I wish that I had never married,
if I felt it was a mistake. No matter what happened or will happen, I could
never say that marrying the man I did was a mistake. It is true that he chose
to treat me in a way that was abusive and disrespectful after we were married. He
had no right to treat me that way. He made many mistakes in the way he
approached our relationship. He had many incorrect ideas about marriage and the
roles of husband and wife. He had expectations that I could never live up to
and would never want to live up to.
There were mistakes that I made, as well. One mistake I made
was not standing up for myself. Another mistake was giving away my power and
giving up my identity. The biggest mistake was allowing another person to
determine who and what I became. The thing I have grieved the most is the death
of the person I once was.
During the daily routine of the last four years, I have
often felt overwhelmed with negative feelings and have wondered if I will ever
make it through these trials. As I look back on where I once was and compare it
to where I am now, I am amazed at how much has changed. When I see who I am
becoming because of the struggles, I see a beautiful design in the woodwork of
my life, forming a stunning piece of art, far exceeding anything I could have
planned on my own. I don’t understand fully why we have to struggle so much,
but I do know that if we rely on the tender mercies of our loving Father in
Heaven, life will be so much more fulfilling and enjoyable than we could have
ever created on our own.
My incredible artist friend, Deb Lowney, created an art
piece entitled, “Struggles,” which is pictured below. This piece is a perfect
symbol of how I feel about my anniversary today. The struggles of life feel so
challenging and difficult, but when we stand back and see the complete picture,
a beautiful piece of art lies before us, bringing hope, bringing purpose,
bringing peace.
May we all take a moment to step back from our struggles and realize that there is so much more than this moment. There is so much more than the pain. There is a God who loves and watches over us. There is much to learn from each and every day. There is beauty to be found in every struggle.
