Light

I recently had a dream where I was driving on a freeway in a foreign country during the night and my headlights didn't work. The only lights my car had were the parking lights. Other cars were whizzing by and I pulled over to the side of the road to try to figure out what to do. I didn't speak the language of the country so didn't feel like I could ask for help and I didn't know how to get to where I was going. I was feeling very frustrated when I woke up and the thought came to me, "I don't have headlights but I do have some light. I just need to keep moving forward the best I can until it gets lighter outside and I can see better."

As I have reflected on this dream it has been very apparent that this represents how I feel with my life right now. Over the last few years I have been able to keep the overall attitude that things will get better, that life is better now than it was before even though it is extremely difficult. I have had small bouts of depression but overall have been able to keep going. The last couple of months have been different. The depression is becoming more common and I am struggling to see that things will ever improve. It feels as if I am driving in a foreign country in the dark with no headlights.

The thing that struck me the most in that dream was that even though I didn't have headlights, I did have the parking lights; I wasn't completely in the dark. I have clung to that thought over the last few weeks. I may not be able to see as well as I would like, but I can still see. Also, when other cars came by, their headlights would illuminate the way; I didn't have to rely completely on my own light.

So my thoughts have now turned to, "how do I get through the dark night and is there a way to make my light brighter?" The answer has come in the form of a scripture.

John 8:12 KJV says: Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.

I am now working to more fully allow the light of Christ to illuminate my path. I have always tried to do that, but now I am making it a more conscious thought. The struggles of life are not going to go away, but I can have hope through Christ.

I love the song, "Lead, Kindly Light." I often cling to the words during tough times. The words are:

1. Lead, kindly Light, amid th' encircling gloom;
    Lead thou me on!
    The night is dark, and I am far from home;
    Lead thou me on!
    Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
    The distant scene - one step enough for me.

2. I was not ever thus, nor pray'd that thou
    Shouldst lead me on.
    I loved to choose and see my path; but now,
    Lead thou me on!
    I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
    Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years.

3. So long thy pow'r hath blest me, sure it still
    Will lead me on
    O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, till
    The night is gone.
    And with the morn those angel faces smile,
    Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!

I don't have to see the whole path in order to keep moving. I just need to realize that as long as I have faith and hope in Christ that He will keep me going.

The Ladder

The Ladder

by Amy Tiare

Teetering on a broken ladder

Unsafe, unclear

Halfway to my destination

Do I go up?

Do I go down?

Does it matter at this point?

The ladder will soon give way

Looking down at the cliff below

Jagged, rocky

Pain is what awaits me

What to do?

Which direction to choose?

Is there even a choice?

Can’t even remember which direction I was going

Looking up at the broken rungs above

Dizzy, weak

Fear keeps me holding on

Can I make it?

Can I continue to hold on?

Is there any way to save me?

There is no way out of this

A scene flashes before my eyes

Pain, anguish

The Savior suffers in Gethsemane

Can he make it through?

Can he complete the task?

Is it too much for Him to take?

He endures it well and fulfills his mission

A voice enters my mind

Calm, gentle

“My child, I am here for you.

What will you choose?

Go down? I will catch you.

Go up? I will reach for you.

Choose. I cannot help as long as you are still.”

I listen to my heart

Pounding, racing

I listen to my head

What will happen if I move?

Will the ladder break?

What will become of me?

A choice is made. I let go…

Anniversary

Anniversaries are interesting things. Days to reflect on an event, a time to evaluate what has happened during the last year. Depending on the type of anniversary, stress or strong emotions may increase as the day approaches.

Today is the four year anniversary of when I left my marriage. During the last several sleepless nights as I have pondered my marriage and the many things that led to the end of it, many emotions have surfaced. I don’t believe that I will ever get to a point that I can reflect on my marriage without feelings of deep sadness at the loss of what could have been. At the same time there is still a feeling of great relief because of being free from the emotional and verbal abuse that occurred on a regular basis.

I have often been asked if I wish that I had never married, if I felt it was a mistake. No matter what happened or will happen, I could never say that marrying the man I did was a mistake. It is true that he chose to treat me in a way that was abusive and disrespectful after we were married. He had no right to treat me that way. He made many mistakes in the way he approached our relationship. He had many incorrect ideas about marriage and the roles of husband and wife. He had expectations that I could never live up to and would never want to live up to.

There were mistakes that I made, as well. One mistake I made was not standing up for myself. Another mistake was giving away my power and giving up my identity. The biggest mistake was allowing another person to determine who and what I became. The thing I have grieved the most is the death of the person I once was.

During the daily routine of the last four years, I have often felt overwhelmed with negative feelings and have wondered if I will ever make it through these trials. As I look back on where I once was and compare it to where I am now, I am amazed at how much has changed. When I see who I am becoming because of the struggles, I see a beautiful design in the woodwork of my life, forming a stunning piece of art, far exceeding anything I could have planned on my own. I don’t understand fully why we have to struggle so much, but I do know that if we rely on the tender mercies of our loving Father in Heaven, life will be so much more fulfilling and enjoyable than we could have ever created on our own.

My incredible artist friend, Deb Lowney, created an art piece entitled, “Struggles,” which is pictured below. This piece is a perfect symbol of how I feel about my anniversary today. The struggles of life feel so challenging and difficult, but when we stand back and see the complete picture, a beautiful piece of art lies before us, bringing hope, bringing purpose, bringing peace.

May we all take a moment to step back from our struggles and realize that there is so much more than this moment. There is so much more than the pain. There is a God who loves and watches over us. There is much to learn from each and every day. There is beauty to be found in every struggle.

Who will speak for me?

I recently had an experience where I was told that I was being investigated for a situation and that I had to provide the names of three people who would be character witnesses for me. Immediately a scene from Drew Barrymore’s movie, “Ever After,” came into my head. At the end of the movie the evil stepmother is summoned to go before the king and queen. She is called out for her crimes and sentenced to be shipped out of the country, “Unless, by some miracle, someone here will speak for you,” says the queen. The stepmother looks around the room as people shift uncomfortably and look away.

That scene flashed through my head and the only thing I could think of was the people I couldn’t call as character witnesses. For a minute I was overcome with this fear that, like the stepmother, I would be left alone with no one to speak for me. Drew Barrymore’s character spoke for her stepmother and then said, “All I ask is that you show her the same courtesy that she has bestowed upon me.” The stepmother is then sentenced to do manual labor with her equally wicked daughter.

I provided the names of a couple of people that I felt I could rely on and then waited in fear for what would happen next. As I waited for the investigation to take place, I began to talk to a few trusted souls about what was going on. They were all appalled and immediately offered to be character witnesses for me. I told one friend, “When I was asked to provide three witnesses in favor of me, all I could think of …” “Was that everyone that has ever met you would speak for you?!” my friend interrupted. I was taken aback and almost began to cry. “Amy,” my friend said, “other than your ex, and maybe a couple of people loyal to him, everyone who knows you would speak for you.”

The investigation ended up being dropped but the experience has stayed with me and it has taken time for the emotional trauma induced by that experience to subside. Since then I have thought a lot about that movie, “Ever After.” Mostly about the concept of being rewarded for your deeds, whether they be good or whether they be evil.

I often wonder what my life would be like if Karma came full circle. If everyone treated me today exactly how I have treated other people in the last week, how would I feel? What would my day look like? How would I behave differently if I knew for certain that tomorrow I would be equally rewarded for everything I said and did today?

Jesus taught in Matthew 7:12 Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.

Hopefully I will never be in a situation again where I will have to call character witnesses, but if I do, I hope that I have lived in such a way that there will be many who will say, “I will speak for her!”

A Voice

When I first left my marriage I had no confidence. In fact, I was absolutely terrified. The whole process of leaving felt as if I would die just from the terror of taking my children and leaving my home. That was when my sister told me a phrase that carried me through that time of life. She told me to be as strong as a lion yet calm as a summer breeze. Those words have stayed with me ever since that time, now over three and a half years ago. It became my mantra.

After my kids would be asleep I would often go in the bathroom to cry. In those moments I would hear my sister's voice reminding me, strong as a lion, calm as a summer breeze. It gave me strength and purpose. It helped me to realize that strength did not come from anger. Strength came from a calm assurance that I was doing what God wanted me to do. The lion has been slowly awakening within my soul, becoming part of who I am.

One of the struggles I have had to overcome through all this is feeling like my opinion doesn't matter, like my voice has no value. It is essential for all people everywhere to understand that they are important, that they have something to contribute, that they have a voice. People who experience abuse of any kind often shut down their truth in order to "not make waves" and keep themselves "safe." I have been learning that as long as I remember my sister's words that I can express myself safely. Removing anger from my voice allows me to leave behind the dragon's voice and be strong and confident in who I am.

We all have a story to tell. We all have our own experiences. I hope that what I am learning from my experiences can help others who have similar pain so they can find hope. Life is hard but God is good. He allows every one of us our agency to choose how we treat each other but he always provides a way to heal, not only from what we have done, but especially from what has been done to us.

A Voice
By Amy Tiare

The dragon’s voice

Spitting fire, spreading venom
Controlling, hurting
Overpowering my voice ‘til my voice no longer speaks
Have to appease the dragon
Wanting to be safe
Even the voice of a mouse can be too loud
‘Cause then the dragon can find me
So I leave
Find a new home away from the dragon
But the dragon’s words still find me
In the darkness of the night
In the quiet moments of the day
The dragon’s words still control
I try to speak, to rebuke the dragon
But there is no sound
There is no will
Only fear
Seeking
Digging within for the hidden words
A voice suddenly emerges
But not the voice I wanted
It is the dragon’s voice
Vicious, bitter, angry
No!!!!!
This is the voice I left
The voice I feared
But where do I run?
Where do I turn?
It comes from within
Confused, hurt
Surrendering
An image comes to mind
A lion stands
Bold, strong, true
The gentle summer’s breeze blowing his mane
His mouth opens and deep from within a sound is heard
Not mean or angry or vicious
But bold, strong, confident, fearless, powerful
As the sound intensifies
Something happens within me
From a very deep place, a very deep feeling
Reverberating, growing
The sound comes from my toes
Gathering strength and intensity
Travelling throughout my whole being until I can’t hold it back any longer
A roar
A roar like no other
Strong and bold as a lion
Yet calm as a summer’s breeze
My voice
My identity
Rebuking the dragon
Taking back what was once mine
Establishing boundaries
Speaking my truth
Standing in strength
Standing in peace
Coming alive
I have a voice

Faces of DV

The Faces of Domestic Violence

by Amy Tiare

You see me in the grocery store and you ask how my life is

I think, “I’m here to get away from my husband. His verbal abuse was more than I could take tonight.”

I smile and say, “Everything is fine.”

You see me in the park playing with my kids and ask how my day has gone

I think, “I can’t allow anyone to change my toddler’s diaper or they will find the bruises from their dad.”

I smile and say, “We’re happy to be at the park!”

You see me in church sitting with my husband and children

I think, “I hope I can hold back the tears so no one will ask me what’s wrong.”

I smile and sing the hymns of praise

You call me on the phone and ask how I am

I think, “I’ve lost all hope and I want to take my own life.”

I smile and say, “Oh, I’m fine. How are you?”

You come into my home and ask if there is anything you can do for me

I think, “Please, please, look into my eyes and see my pain!”

I smile and say, “No. I don’t need anything.”

You look into my eyes. You look deep into my soul.

I think, “No! NO! Please don’t see who I really am! I’m weak! I’ve lost myself! I have no power. . . Please, please, please, see what’s happening! Please, help me! Please, help me find a way out of this!!!”

I smile and say, “I can’t hide it anymore. Please help me out of this.”

You are surprised. You are shocked.

You think, “But you said everything was fine! You looked happy in church with your husband! You have been smiling every time I see you!”

You smile and say, “I’m here for you. Let’s get you some help.”

You see me in a domestic violence shelter and ask how I’m doing

I think, “Everything I have come to believe about myself is false and I’m having to redefine who I am.”

I smile and say, “I’m under construction.”

You see me out on my own, divorced, and struggling to support myself and my children

I think, “This is the hardest thing I have ever done! But I am free from the abuse and free to become who I want to be.”

I smile and say, “Thank you for seeing. Thank you for hearing. Thank you for giving me another option. Thank you for helping me take back my power.”

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Do you recognize the faces of domestic violence?

Choosing Life

I learned earlier today that someone I knew when I was growing up committed suicide. I have been thinking a great deal about this as it has caused me to remember my emotional struggles and desire for death at different times in my life. I don’t know if everyone has an experience at some point in their life where they wonder whether it really is worth it to keep living, but I know there have been many times in my own life where I have had to really work at finding a reason to live.

As a young child I had a traumatic experience that caused me to wish for death. I never told anyone how I was feeling because I didn’t want anyone to think less of me. My desire to die became such a dominant part of my life that, for a time, everywhere I looked and every object I saw caused thoughts of how I could kill myself. Luckily I had a very strong conscience and felt that the most important thing for my existence was to one day be able to stand before God. I felt that if I killed myself that I wouldn’t be worthy of that. For a while that thought kept me living.

Though the desire to die dominated my teen years, I never attempted suicide or told anyone that I was contemplating it. Later on, when I revealed to my mom that I had had suicidal thoughts she was totally shocked. She told me that I was a great actor because she would have never known.

The thoughts of killing myself came and went but the thoughts of dying were constant. I truly believed that I would not ever live to see my twenty-first birthday. It was around the time that I was fifteen that I finally decided that I was here on earth for a purpose so I needed to find reasons to live.

At first the only reason I could come up with to live was that I didn’t want to die a virgin and I was determined to wait until marriage for sex so I couldn’t die until I had gotten married. I was a teenager and that seemed to be a strong enough motivator to keep me going for a little while. And I figured that if I could stay alive that long then I would eventually find a better reason to live. Then the thought that I clung to was: if I were to die today I might miss out on some great thing that would have happened tomorrow if I would have just stayed alive for one more day. That thought got me through some very hard times.

Over time of looking for reasons to live I finally began to find some good things in life. I met some great people who were able to counsel and guide me. I got professional counseling. I served faithfully in my church. I kept living even though I wasn’t sure that I wanted to.

By the time I was in my early twenties, I was beginning to actually find joy in my life. I had lived to the ripe old age of twenty-one and actually wanted to keep living! As I continually searched for good things in life I actually began to feel joy in living! To celebrate my new-found excitement for life I went skydiving for my twenty-fourth birthday. It was amazing!

It was when I had finally learned to live that I met the man I would marry. I was so excited to find someone that I could share this life experience with. I was thrilled to have lived long enough to fulfill my dreams of becoming a wife and a mother. I was on my way to live “happily ever after.

I remember the first time I had a suicidal thought during my marriage. Our second child was around a month old. We had a huge fight, one of way too many, and I walked into the spare bedroom and thought, “The only way out is to die! I really want to die!” Those thoughts and feelings only lasted a few minutes. I recalled all that I had been through in my life, all that I had learned, all the hard work I had put into finding a reason to live and I was able to push that thought aside and tell myself, “No! The answer is not to die! The answer is to work through this!” So I went back to my husband and told him about my thought process. He did not respond in a helpful way at all. He yelled at me and said, “So you would rather die than be with me?!” I was devastated by his response. I had gone to him to stop the cycle, to ask for help, and to help him see how serious our problems were. I knew then that I could never die because I had to keep my children safe and give them a chance at life.

As the marriage got progressively worse I was able to successfully stay out of the thought process of wanting to die. I knew I had to protect the children and I couldn’t do that if I wasn’t around. It was the need to protect the children that finally brought me to the point of realizing that I had to leave the marriage. Even though I wasn’t consciously thinking about dying, I was dying a slow and painful death. Every day I could feel less and less. Every day I lost more and more contact with the true me. I was nothing but a shell.

So the process of finding a reason to live began once again. I knew that living for my children would only help me temporarily. I had to find something more concrete. I had to become my true self.

I received a great compliment this week. Someone at church observed that every week I appear to be getting stronger and stronger. I believe that is because I have decided to keep my power instead of giving it away and because I am learning to be true to myself. The more that I live true to myself, the more reasons I have to live. I no longer have to hang onto the hope that tomorrow will be better in order to live. I live because there are good things to experience right now! The choice to live is not something we make just once; we make it every day, with every breath. I choose to live!

While going through the struggles as a teenager I wrote a couple of songs that helped me process what I was feeling. The words are below.

To Live or to Die

by Amy Tiare

To live or to die is the question

I don’t know which one to choose

Part of me wants to give up now

Part of me wants to refuse

Each day I walk through this life of mine

Feeling so empty and lonely

There’s so many things I wish I could do

My life is filled with “if only’s”

I want to live

I want to find a reason to continue on with life

I want to breath in the air each morning with a grateful heart for life

Oh, how can I change my mind?

How can I live with this pain?

I’m Alive!

by Amy Tiare

I choose

As I wake up this morning to live

I choose

To live in joy and harmony

With each and every step that I take

I thank the Lord and this promise I make

That I will live in celebration of life

Remember my choice through the pain and the strife

I now choose to live

In celebration of life

I will stand tall

I will get up each time that I fall

With each passing day

I will grow stronger

I now choose to live

I’m alive!

I’m alive!

I am alive!

I celebrate this feeling inside!

I am alive!