Anniversary

Anniversaries are interesting things. Days to reflect on an event, a time to evaluate what has happened during the last year. Depending on the type of anniversary, stress or strong emotions may increase as the day approaches.

Today is the four year anniversary of when I left my marriage. During the last several sleepless nights as I have pondered my marriage and the many things that led to the end of it, many emotions have surfaced. I don’t believe that I will ever get to a point that I can reflect on my marriage without feelings of deep sadness at the loss of what could have been. At the same time there is still a feeling of great relief because of being free from the emotional and verbal abuse that occurred on a regular basis.

I have often been asked if I wish that I had never married, if I felt it was a mistake. No matter what happened or will happen, I could never say that marrying the man I did was a mistake. It is true that he chose to treat me in a way that was abusive and disrespectful after we were married. He had no right to treat me that way. He made many mistakes in the way he approached our relationship. He had many incorrect ideas about marriage and the roles of husband and wife. He had expectations that I could never live up to and would never want to live up to.

There were mistakes that I made, as well. One mistake I made was not standing up for myself. Another mistake was giving away my power and giving up my identity. The biggest mistake was allowing another person to determine who and what I became. The thing I have grieved the most is the death of the person I once was.

During the daily routine of the last four years, I have often felt overwhelmed with negative feelings and have wondered if I will ever make it through these trials. As I look back on where I once was and compare it to where I am now, I am amazed at how much has changed. When I see who I am becoming because of the struggles, I see a beautiful design in the woodwork of my life, forming a stunning piece of art, far exceeding anything I could have planned on my own. I don’t understand fully why we have to struggle so much, but I do know that if we rely on the tender mercies of our loving Father in Heaven, life will be so much more fulfilling and enjoyable than we could have ever created on our own.

My incredible artist friend, Deb Lowney, created an art piece entitled, “Struggles,” which is pictured below. This piece is a perfect symbol of how I feel about my anniversary today. The struggles of life feel so challenging and difficult, but when we stand back and see the complete picture, a beautiful piece of art lies before us, bringing hope, bringing purpose, bringing peace.

May we all take a moment to step back from our struggles and realize that there is so much more than this moment. There is so much more than the pain. There is a God who loves and watches over us. There is much to learn from each and every day. There is beauty to be found in every struggle.