Who will speak for me?

I recently had an experience where I was told that I was being investigated for a situation and that I had to provide the names of three people who would be character witnesses for me. Immediately a scene from Drew Barrymore’s movie, “Ever After,” came into my head. At the end of the movie the evil stepmother is summoned to go before the king and queen. She is called out for her crimes and sentenced to be shipped out of the country, “Unless, by some miracle, someone here will speak for you,” says the queen. The stepmother looks around the room as people shift uncomfortably and look away.

That scene flashed through my head and the only thing I could think of was the people I couldn’t call as character witnesses. For a minute I was overcome with this fear that, like the stepmother, I would be left alone with no one to speak for me. Drew Barrymore’s character spoke for her stepmother and then said, “All I ask is that you show her the same courtesy that she has bestowed upon me.” The stepmother is then sentenced to do manual labor with her equally wicked daughter.

I provided the names of a couple of people that I felt I could rely on and then waited in fear for what would happen next. As I waited for the investigation to take place, I began to talk to a few trusted souls about what was going on. They were all appalled and immediately offered to be character witnesses for me. I told one friend, “When I was asked to provide three witnesses in favor of me, all I could think of …” “Was that everyone that has ever met you would speak for you?!” my friend interrupted. I was taken aback and almost began to cry. “Amy,” my friend said, “other than your ex, and maybe a couple of people loyal to him, everyone who knows you would speak for you.”

The investigation ended up being dropped but the experience has stayed with me and it has taken time for the emotional trauma induced by that experience to subside. Since then I have thought a lot about that movie, “Ever After.” Mostly about the concept of being rewarded for your deeds, whether they be good or whether they be evil.

I often wonder what my life would be like if Karma came full circle. If everyone treated me today exactly how I have treated other people in the last week, how would I feel? What would my day look like? How would I behave differently if I knew for certain that tomorrow I would be equally rewarded for everything I said and did today?

Jesus taught in Matthew 7:12 Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.

Hopefully I will never be in a situation again where I will have to call character witnesses, but if I do, I hope that I have lived in such a way that there will be many who will say, “I will speak for her!”

A Voice

When I first left my marriage I had no confidence. In fact, I was absolutely terrified. The whole process of leaving felt as if I would die just from the terror of taking my children and leaving my home. That was when my sister told me a phrase that carried me through that time of life. She told me to be as strong as a lion yet calm as a summer breeze. Those words have stayed with me ever since that time, now over three and a half years ago. It became my mantra.

After my kids would be asleep I would often go in the bathroom to cry. In those moments I would hear my sister's voice reminding me, strong as a lion, calm as a summer breeze. It gave me strength and purpose. It helped me to realize that strength did not come from anger. Strength came from a calm assurance that I was doing what God wanted me to do. The lion has been slowly awakening within my soul, becoming part of who I am.

One of the struggles I have had to overcome through all this is feeling like my opinion doesn't matter, like my voice has no value. It is essential for all people everywhere to understand that they are important, that they have something to contribute, that they have a voice. People who experience abuse of any kind often shut down their truth in order to "not make waves" and keep themselves "safe." I have been learning that as long as I remember my sister's words that I can express myself safely. Removing anger from my voice allows me to leave behind the dragon's voice and be strong and confident in who I am.

We all have a story to tell. We all have our own experiences. I hope that what I am learning from my experiences can help others who have similar pain so they can find hope. Life is hard but God is good. He allows every one of us our agency to choose how we treat each other but he always provides a way to heal, not only from what we have done, but especially from what has been done to us.

A Voice
By Amy Tiare

The dragon’s voice

Spitting fire, spreading venom
Controlling, hurting
Overpowering my voice ‘til my voice no longer speaks
Have to appease the dragon
Wanting to be safe
Even the voice of a mouse can be too loud
‘Cause then the dragon can find me
So I leave
Find a new home away from the dragon
But the dragon’s words still find me
In the darkness of the night
In the quiet moments of the day
The dragon’s words still control
I try to speak, to rebuke the dragon
But there is no sound
There is no will
Only fear
Seeking
Digging within for the hidden words
A voice suddenly emerges
But not the voice I wanted
It is the dragon’s voice
Vicious, bitter, angry
No!!!!!
This is the voice I left
The voice I feared
But where do I run?
Where do I turn?
It comes from within
Confused, hurt
Surrendering
An image comes to mind
A lion stands
Bold, strong, true
The gentle summer’s breeze blowing his mane
His mouth opens and deep from within a sound is heard
Not mean or angry or vicious
But bold, strong, confident, fearless, powerful
As the sound intensifies
Something happens within me
From a very deep place, a very deep feeling
Reverberating, growing
The sound comes from my toes
Gathering strength and intensity
Travelling throughout my whole being until I can’t hold it back any longer
A roar
A roar like no other
Strong and bold as a lion
Yet calm as a summer’s breeze
My voice
My identity
Rebuking the dragon
Taking back what was once mine
Establishing boundaries
Speaking my truth
Standing in strength
Standing in peace
Coming alive
I have a voice

Faces of DV

The Faces of Domestic Violence

by Amy Tiare

You see me in the grocery store and you ask how my life is

I think, “I’m here to get away from my husband. His verbal abuse was more than I could take tonight.”

I smile and say, “Everything is fine.”

You see me in the park playing with my kids and ask how my day has gone

I think, “I can’t allow anyone to change my toddler’s diaper or they will find the bruises from their dad.”

I smile and say, “We’re happy to be at the park!”

You see me in church sitting with my husband and children

I think, “I hope I can hold back the tears so no one will ask me what’s wrong.”

I smile and sing the hymns of praise

You call me on the phone and ask how I am

I think, “I’ve lost all hope and I want to take my own life.”

I smile and say, “Oh, I’m fine. How are you?”

You come into my home and ask if there is anything you can do for me

I think, “Please, please, look into my eyes and see my pain!”

I smile and say, “No. I don’t need anything.”

You look into my eyes. You look deep into my soul.

I think, “No! NO! Please don’t see who I really am! I’m weak! I’ve lost myself! I have no power. . . Please, please, please, see what’s happening! Please, help me! Please, help me find a way out of this!!!”

I smile and say, “I can’t hide it anymore. Please help me out of this.”

You are surprised. You are shocked.

You think, “But you said everything was fine! You looked happy in church with your husband! You have been smiling every time I see you!”

You smile and say, “I’m here for you. Let’s get you some help.”

You see me in a domestic violence shelter and ask how I’m doing

I think, “Everything I have come to believe about myself is false and I’m having to redefine who I am.”

I smile and say, “I’m under construction.”

You see me out on my own, divorced, and struggling to support myself and my children

I think, “This is the hardest thing I have ever done! But I am free from the abuse and free to become who I want to be.”

I smile and say, “Thank you for seeing. Thank you for hearing. Thank you for giving me another option. Thank you for helping me take back my power.”

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Do you recognize the faces of domestic violence?

Choosing Life

I learned earlier today that someone I knew when I was growing up committed suicide. I have been thinking a great deal about this as it has caused me to remember my emotional struggles and desire for death at different times in my life. I don’t know if everyone has an experience at some point in their life where they wonder whether it really is worth it to keep living, but I know there have been many times in my own life where I have had to really work at finding a reason to live.

As a young child I had a traumatic experience that caused me to wish for death. I never told anyone how I was feeling because I didn’t want anyone to think less of me. My desire to die became such a dominant part of my life that, for a time, everywhere I looked and every object I saw caused thoughts of how I could kill myself. Luckily I had a very strong conscience and felt that the most important thing for my existence was to one day be able to stand before God. I felt that if I killed myself that I wouldn’t be worthy of that. For a while that thought kept me living.

Though the desire to die dominated my teen years, I never attempted suicide or told anyone that I was contemplating it. Later on, when I revealed to my mom that I had had suicidal thoughts she was totally shocked. She told me that I was a great actor because she would have never known.

The thoughts of killing myself came and went but the thoughts of dying were constant. I truly believed that I would not ever live to see my twenty-first birthday. It was around the time that I was fifteen that I finally decided that I was here on earth for a purpose so I needed to find reasons to live.

At first the only reason I could come up with to live was that I didn’t want to die a virgin and I was determined to wait until marriage for sex so I couldn’t die until I had gotten married. I was a teenager and that seemed to be a strong enough motivator to keep me going for a little while. And I figured that if I could stay alive that long then I would eventually find a better reason to live. Then the thought that I clung to was: if I were to die today I might miss out on some great thing that would have happened tomorrow if I would have just stayed alive for one more day. That thought got me through some very hard times.

Over time of looking for reasons to live I finally began to find some good things in life. I met some great people who were able to counsel and guide me. I got professional counseling. I served faithfully in my church. I kept living even though I wasn’t sure that I wanted to.

By the time I was in my early twenties, I was beginning to actually find joy in my life. I had lived to the ripe old age of twenty-one and actually wanted to keep living! As I continually searched for good things in life I actually began to feel joy in living! To celebrate my new-found excitement for life I went skydiving for my twenty-fourth birthday. It was amazing!

It was when I had finally learned to live that I met the man I would marry. I was so excited to find someone that I could share this life experience with. I was thrilled to have lived long enough to fulfill my dreams of becoming a wife and a mother. I was on my way to live “happily ever after.

I remember the first time I had a suicidal thought during my marriage. Our second child was around a month old. We had a huge fight, one of way too many, and I walked into the spare bedroom and thought, “The only way out is to die! I really want to die!” Those thoughts and feelings only lasted a few minutes. I recalled all that I had been through in my life, all that I had learned, all the hard work I had put into finding a reason to live and I was able to push that thought aside and tell myself, “No! The answer is not to die! The answer is to work through this!” So I went back to my husband and told him about my thought process. He did not respond in a helpful way at all. He yelled at me and said, “So you would rather die than be with me?!” I was devastated by his response. I had gone to him to stop the cycle, to ask for help, and to help him see how serious our problems were. I knew then that I could never die because I had to keep my children safe and give them a chance at life.

As the marriage got progressively worse I was able to successfully stay out of the thought process of wanting to die. I knew I had to protect the children and I couldn’t do that if I wasn’t around. It was the need to protect the children that finally brought me to the point of realizing that I had to leave the marriage. Even though I wasn’t consciously thinking about dying, I was dying a slow and painful death. Every day I could feel less and less. Every day I lost more and more contact with the true me. I was nothing but a shell.

So the process of finding a reason to live began once again. I knew that living for my children would only help me temporarily. I had to find something more concrete. I had to become my true self.

I received a great compliment this week. Someone at church observed that every week I appear to be getting stronger and stronger. I believe that is because I have decided to keep my power instead of giving it away and because I am learning to be true to myself. The more that I live true to myself, the more reasons I have to live. I no longer have to hang onto the hope that tomorrow will be better in order to live. I live because there are good things to experience right now! The choice to live is not something we make just once; we make it every day, with every breath. I choose to live!

While going through the struggles as a teenager I wrote a couple of songs that helped me process what I was feeling. The words are below.

To Live or to Die

by Amy Tiare

To live or to die is the question

I don’t know which one to choose

Part of me wants to give up now

Part of me wants to refuse

Each day I walk through this life of mine

Feeling so empty and lonely

There’s so many things I wish I could do

My life is filled with “if only’s”

I want to live

I want to find a reason to continue on with life

I want to breath in the air each morning with a grateful heart for life

Oh, how can I change my mind?

How can I live with this pain?

I’m Alive!

by Amy Tiare

I choose

As I wake up this morning to live

I choose

To live in joy and harmony

With each and every step that I take

I thank the Lord and this promise I make

That I will live in celebration of life

Remember my choice through the pain and the strife

I now choose to live

In celebration of life

I will stand tall

I will get up each time that I fall

With each passing day

I will grow stronger

I now choose to live

I’m alive!

I’m alive!

I am alive!

I celebrate this feeling inside!

I am alive!

The Choice

The Choice
by Amy Tiare

Sitting on a boat, storm raging all around
Wishing I could leave this place; wishing to be found
The evils of this world have brought me so much grief
It feels as if my heart and soul were stolen by a thief

Looking out across the waves the figure of a man
Walking calmly through the storm across the ocean span
Knowing there is only one who could perform this deed
I call out to the Savior, whose power I greatly need

I know He’s here to save me, in Him I have full trust
His love has always held me, His judgments always just
He bids for me to join Him; I leap out to the sea
I walk to Him, eyes fixed on His; I know I’ll soon be free

Then the wind blows harder, a wave wets my face
I look around and find myself in an awkward place
Overcome, I panic; fear fills my soul
Sinking in the water I lose sight of my goal

“My Savior, please help me!” I call out in despair
Immediately He grabs my hand in answer to my prayer
He pulls me close, looks in my eyes, and with a gentle voice
Reminds me that to float or sink is really just a choice

The storm will always be there; in this life it will not stop
Watching the waves will bring you down; faith raises you to the top
Keep your vision focused on the one who commands the sea
With His power you will be saved; your soul will be made free

Routines and Change

Oftentimes, routine can be a comfort, the one thing in life that you have control over, something you can depend on. But there is also a danger in routine. People have asked me why I stayed in an abusive relationship for as long as I did. If it was so bad then wouldn’t I have left sooner? Even though it was painful and difficult to be in the relationship, it was my routine. It was comfortable because it was predictable. If I left then I had no idea what life would be like. I knew what my basic day to day life would be in the relationship but leaving meant the unknown. Leaving meant having to find a new routine and that is scary. Changing a routine can feel so terrifying that it stops many people from moving forward.

 When my children and I finally got out on our own there were “routines” that I didn’t realize we had been participating in. There was the routine of losing total control of all emotions when doing homework or sitting down to a meal together. There was the routine of the children not recognizing me as an authority figure. There was the routine of not accepting help even when it was desperately needed. It took a long time to recognize and stop many of these negative routines. Some of them are still being worked on.

My family had to work very hard to re-pattern and change the things we no longer wanted to be a part of our lives. It seemed a never ending process. Luckily, with help from trusted family and friends, we were able to create a new life and work towards healing. I don’t believe that this process will ever truly end in this lifetime.

When I woke up yesterday morning I was contemplating, praying, meditating on my life and the things that I have been experiencing. It feels as if my family and I have discovered another danger to routines; we have become stuck in a rut. We found a routine that works for us, even though it is not ideal, and we repeat it day after day, week after week. I was praying about how I feel so ready for change and would like some direction on how to move forward.

As I lay in bed with these thoughts, I saw a scene in my mind’s eye. I saw a large banquet table, filled with all sorts of amazing food of every variety that could be imagined. I saw myself approach the table, fill my plate with a couple of things, then walk away to eat what I chose. A little while later I returned to the table and filled my plate with the exact same food as before and left to eat it. Again I returned to the table and filled my plate with the same food, nothing varying.

The thought then came to me that the table is full of a large variety of amazing food that I don’t even have to go looking for; it is all there before me. I just need to stop returning to the same spot on the table. All I needed to do was move a foot down and would have a whole new experience.

I am not one hundred percent certain how to fully integrate this realization into my life, but I do see that this particular rut is definitely self-made. I can easily change up our routine, spent our time differently, try new foods, go for walks, eat dinner outside, or many other, easy to do, things that will make life more interesting for all of us. The question I need to ask myself is: am I so comfortable in our routine that I will continue with it each day? Or am I to the point that the desire for change outweighs the fear of doing something different? I guess only time will tell.

Do you have routines in your life that are no longer serving you?

Battling Negative Messages

I recently had the opportunity to attend a single adult activity with a man that I had some interest in. He was someone easy to talk to and we had a lot in common. I was excited for this chance to spend some time with him as well as getting to know other single adults in the area.

When we got to the activity, something I was not prepared for emotionally took place. Another woman became very friendly and attentive to the man I was with! We were not there on a date so I just tried to back off and see what would happen and ended up spending a lot of the day watching this woman finding any excuse she could to make physical contact with the man. This created a lot of strange emotions and thoughts within me. Many of which centered around my self-worth and attractiveness.

Over the next few days as I reflected on the experience, many thoughts and negative messages ran through my mind that made me question my worth as a woman in the dating world. Maybe if I wore make-up I would have been more appealing. Maybe if I wore more trendy clothes or had my hair fixed nice he would have noticed me more. Maybe if I was more bubbly, less independent, or was more helpless then I would be more datable. Messages from when I was a late teen and in my early twenty’s came back to my mind. The main two being, “You are just too weird,” and, “Amy, you are the kind of girl a guy wants to marry, not the kind of girl a guy likes to date.” Yes, I was told those things.

I also had the negative messages from my marriage replay in my mind. I was not allowed to cut my hair during my marriage. One time I was sick of my hair so I cut it to shoulder length. I was told that my long hair had been the only thing that was helping my ex-husband see past my weight. I was only about a hundred and fifty-five pounds at the time. He assured me after several days of cooling down that even though I was hideous to look at that he still was willing to have sex with me. Lucky me… Thoughts about my weight and my need to have long hair in order to be attractive came back to me because of that experience at the single adult activity.

As the negative messages from the world and my past play in my mind, I have a choice. Continue to feed these messages by believing them and giving them power, or tell myself, “These words do not define me! These words are not who I am!” And then give myself some positive messages instead.

Yesterday when I got out of the shower I saw myself in the mirror. An interesting sequence of thoughts passed through my mind that, I felt, showed a positive change in dealing with negative messages and body image. When I saw myself I thought, “Wow, Amy! You look good!” Immediately following that was the thought, “Oh, man, Amy, you are fat!” Here is the thought that followed that caused me to feel like I have made progress, “I may be fat, but at least I look good fat!” I know that it still holds negative energy about how I feel about myself, but it showed me that I am on my way to accepting myself. Baby steps. ;)

As I sit here today, I have come to realize that no matter what situation I am in, no matter who I am around or who I want to impress, I will never walk away happy if I compromise who I am. I need to be myself no matter what. I have tried wearing make-up and don’t feel comfortable when I do, so I need to accept that about myself. Sometimes I like my hair long, sometimes I like it short. I shouldn’t feel like it has to be a certain way in order to have a man attracted to me. I am independent and really don’t “need” a man in my life. That is a wonderful thing in my mind. I don’t want a man who needs me to need him. I can be strong in who I am and hopefully one day I will be able to have a man who can be a companion in life. As far as my weight is concerned, I am a great person with a fun personality no matter what my size. When I am happy, I really am a very attractive person. :)

I am very grateful for the chance to learn about myself. Though at the time there were many awkward and uncomfortable feelings, I am glad to have reevaluated how I feel about myself and am ready to move forward with being more clear about who and what I am.