Massacre

I have been overwhelmed by the amount of hate being spewed the last few days as a result of the massacre that took place at a Florida gay bar. The hate, I feel, has been greatly misdirected. When I first heard the news about the massacre I was shocked that such an event had taken place, not because of it being at a gay bar, but because of it happening in America.

As I told my children about the event I literally cried because of the horror that I felt. The horror of this happening in my country. The horror of this happening to innocent people who were out having a good time. The horror of having to tell young minds that this is happening in the world they are growing up in. I felt so much pain for all those who were at the bar. I hurt for the lives lost, for the lives of those who lived, and for the family and friends of everyone involved. This massacre didn’t just happen to “gays.” This massacre happened to America.

As people search for someone or something to blame I find myself searching deeper than that. I ask myself, what happens in a person’s life to lead them to such actions? How could a person be capable of taking another’s life? I know that in this particular case the man had pledged himself to ISIS, but regardless of what a person has been taught or how they have been raised, every single person has to make a choice as to how they are going to live their life and how they are going to respond to the stresses they encounter.

I, like everyone else, have gone through some incredibly awful life experiences. I have been given reasons over and over again to hate, to be mean, to be bitter. As I felt myself being swallowed up in the depths of Hell I had a choice to make. Was I going to let the experience control me? Or was I going to choose to become a better person because of what happened to me? I will be completely honest, it could have easily been me going out on a killing spree. I think that many people, if they really looked at themselves, would have to admit that there is a part of them that is capable of such horror. So why do most people move on and not give in? Why do some people plot and plan and do such atrocious things?

A healthy person is designed to take the stresses of life and process them, letting them go and not allowing the stress to control them. But the majority of people are not emotionally healthy. Our society teaches us to bury our feelings and only show what is “socially acceptable.” We are supposed to be “fine” when asked how we are. We are not honest with our fellow beings and we are not honest with ourselves. I’m not suggesting that we should be negative and tell all our woes to everyone we encounter. I am suggesting that we need to acknowledge our true feelings in a healthy way and release them instead of burying or allowing them to fester.

Instead of attacking each other we should be looking for ways to process our grief. Instead of looking for someone to blame we should be looking for ways to help each other. It doesn’t matter if a person is gay or straight, black or white, rich or poor. We are all children of God on a journey to improve ourselves. Personally, I want to leave this life having made the lives of the people around me better than they were before they met me. I don’t want to become consumed by hatred and bitterness. I am choosing to love others and be a better person every single day. I am choosing to pray for all of my brothers and sisters who are hurting and grieving. May we all look at ourselves and realize that each moment is a choice and we are the only one who can make that choice.

Light

I recently had a dream where I was driving on a freeway in a foreign country during the night and my headlights didn't work. The only lights my car had were the parking lights. Other cars were whizzing by and I pulled over to the side of the road to try to figure out what to do. I didn't speak the language of the country so didn't feel like I could ask for help and I didn't know how to get to where I was going. I was feeling very frustrated when I woke up and the thought came to me, "I don't have headlights but I do have some light. I just need to keep moving forward the best I can until it gets lighter outside and I can see better."

As I have reflected on this dream it has been very apparent that this represents how I feel with my life right now. Over the last few years I have been able to keep the overall attitude that things will get better, that life is better now than it was before even though it is extremely difficult. I have had small bouts of depression but overall have been able to keep going. The last couple of months have been different. The depression is becoming more common and I am struggling to see that things will ever improve. It feels as if I am driving in a foreign country in the dark with no headlights.

The thing that struck me the most in that dream was that even though I didn't have headlights, I did have the parking lights; I wasn't completely in the dark. I have clung to that thought over the last few weeks. I may not be able to see as well as I would like, but I can still see. Also, when other cars came by, their headlights would illuminate the way; I didn't have to rely completely on my own light.

So my thoughts have now turned to, "how do I get through the dark night and is there a way to make my light brighter?" The answer has come in the form of a scripture.

John 8:12 KJV says: Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.

I am now working to more fully allow the light of Christ to illuminate my path. I have always tried to do that, but now I am making it a more conscious thought. The struggles of life are not going to go away, but I can have hope through Christ.

I love the song, "Lead, Kindly Light." I often cling to the words during tough times. The words are:

1. Lead, kindly Light, amid th' encircling gloom;
    Lead thou me on!
    The night is dark, and I am far from home;
    Lead thou me on!
    Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
    The distant scene - one step enough for me.

2. I was not ever thus, nor pray'd that thou
    Shouldst lead me on.
    I loved to choose and see my path; but now,
    Lead thou me on!
    I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
    Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years.

3. So long thy pow'r hath blest me, sure it still
    Will lead me on
    O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, till
    The night is gone.
    And with the morn those angel faces smile,
    Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!

I don't have to see the whole path in order to keep moving. I just need to realize that as long as I have faith and hope in Christ that He will keep me going.

The Ladder

The Ladder

by Amy Tiare

Teetering on a broken ladder

Unsafe, unclear

Halfway to my destination

Do I go up?

Do I go down?

Does it matter at this point?

The ladder will soon give way

Looking down at the cliff below

Jagged, rocky

Pain is what awaits me

What to do?

Which direction to choose?

Is there even a choice?

Can’t even remember which direction I was going

Looking up at the broken rungs above

Dizzy, weak

Fear keeps me holding on

Can I make it?

Can I continue to hold on?

Is there any way to save me?

There is no way out of this

A scene flashes before my eyes

Pain, anguish

The Savior suffers in Gethsemane

Can he make it through?

Can he complete the task?

Is it too much for Him to take?

He endures it well and fulfills his mission

A voice enters my mind

Calm, gentle

“My child, I am here for you.

What will you choose?

Go down? I will catch you.

Go up? I will reach for you.

Choose. I cannot help as long as you are still.”

I listen to my heart

Pounding, racing

I listen to my head

What will happen if I move?

Will the ladder break?

What will become of me?

A choice is made. I let go…

Anniversary

Anniversaries are interesting things. Days to reflect on an event, a time to evaluate what has happened during the last year. Depending on the type of anniversary, stress or strong emotions may increase as the day approaches.

Today is the four year anniversary of when I left my marriage. During the last several sleepless nights as I have pondered my marriage and the many things that led to the end of it, many emotions have surfaced. I don’t believe that I will ever get to a point that I can reflect on my marriage without feelings of deep sadness at the loss of what could have been. At the same time there is still a feeling of great relief because of being free from the emotional and verbal abuse that occurred on a regular basis.

I have often been asked if I wish that I had never married, if I felt it was a mistake. No matter what happened or will happen, I could never say that marrying the man I did was a mistake. It is true that he chose to treat me in a way that was abusive and disrespectful after we were married. He had no right to treat me that way. He made many mistakes in the way he approached our relationship. He had many incorrect ideas about marriage and the roles of husband and wife. He had expectations that I could never live up to and would never want to live up to.

There were mistakes that I made, as well. One mistake I made was not standing up for myself. Another mistake was giving away my power and giving up my identity. The biggest mistake was allowing another person to determine who and what I became. The thing I have grieved the most is the death of the person I once was.

During the daily routine of the last four years, I have often felt overwhelmed with negative feelings and have wondered if I will ever make it through these trials. As I look back on where I once was and compare it to where I am now, I am amazed at how much has changed. When I see who I am becoming because of the struggles, I see a beautiful design in the woodwork of my life, forming a stunning piece of art, far exceeding anything I could have planned on my own. I don’t understand fully why we have to struggle so much, but I do know that if we rely on the tender mercies of our loving Father in Heaven, life will be so much more fulfilling and enjoyable than we could have ever created on our own.

My incredible artist friend, Deb Lowney, created an art piece entitled, “Struggles,” which is pictured below. This piece is a perfect symbol of how I feel about my anniversary today. The struggles of life feel so challenging and difficult, but when we stand back and see the complete picture, a beautiful piece of art lies before us, bringing hope, bringing purpose, bringing peace.

May we all take a moment to step back from our struggles and realize that there is so much more than this moment. There is so much more than the pain. There is a God who loves and watches over us. There is much to learn from each and every day. There is beauty to be found in every struggle.

Who will speak for me?

I recently had an experience where I was told that I was being investigated for a situation and that I had to provide the names of three people who would be character witnesses for me. Immediately a scene from Drew Barrymore’s movie, “Ever After,” came into my head. At the end of the movie the evil stepmother is summoned to go before the king and queen. She is called out for her crimes and sentenced to be shipped out of the country, “Unless, by some miracle, someone here will speak for you,” says the queen. The stepmother looks around the room as people shift uncomfortably and look away.

That scene flashed through my head and the only thing I could think of was the people I couldn’t call as character witnesses. For a minute I was overcome with this fear that, like the stepmother, I would be left alone with no one to speak for me. Drew Barrymore’s character spoke for her stepmother and then said, “All I ask is that you show her the same courtesy that she has bestowed upon me.” The stepmother is then sentenced to do manual labor with her equally wicked daughter.

I provided the names of a couple of people that I felt I could rely on and then waited in fear for what would happen next. As I waited for the investigation to take place, I began to talk to a few trusted souls about what was going on. They were all appalled and immediately offered to be character witnesses for me. I told one friend, “When I was asked to provide three witnesses in favor of me, all I could think of …” “Was that everyone that has ever met you would speak for you?!” my friend interrupted. I was taken aback and almost began to cry. “Amy,” my friend said, “other than your ex, and maybe a couple of people loyal to him, everyone who knows you would speak for you.”

The investigation ended up being dropped but the experience has stayed with me and it has taken time for the emotional trauma induced by that experience to subside. Since then I have thought a lot about that movie, “Ever After.” Mostly about the concept of being rewarded for your deeds, whether they be good or whether they be evil.

I often wonder what my life would be like if Karma came full circle. If everyone treated me today exactly how I have treated other people in the last week, how would I feel? What would my day look like? How would I behave differently if I knew for certain that tomorrow I would be equally rewarded for everything I said and did today?

Jesus taught in Matthew 7:12 Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.

Hopefully I will never be in a situation again where I will have to call character witnesses, but if I do, I hope that I have lived in such a way that there will be many who will say, “I will speak for her!”

A Voice

When I first left my marriage I had no confidence. In fact, I was absolutely terrified. The whole process of leaving felt as if I would die just from the terror of taking my children and leaving my home. That was when my sister told me a phrase that carried me through that time of life. She told me to be as strong as a lion yet calm as a summer breeze. Those words have stayed with me ever since that time, now over three and a half years ago. It became my mantra.

After my kids would be asleep I would often go in the bathroom to cry. In those moments I would hear my sister's voice reminding me, strong as a lion, calm as a summer breeze. It gave me strength and purpose. It helped me to realize that strength did not come from anger. Strength came from a calm assurance that I was doing what God wanted me to do. The lion has been slowly awakening within my soul, becoming part of who I am.

One of the struggles I have had to overcome through all this is feeling like my opinion doesn't matter, like my voice has no value. It is essential for all people everywhere to understand that they are important, that they have something to contribute, that they have a voice. People who experience abuse of any kind often shut down their truth in order to "not make waves" and keep themselves "safe." I have been learning that as long as I remember my sister's words that I can express myself safely. Removing anger from my voice allows me to leave behind the dragon's voice and be strong and confident in who I am.

We all have a story to tell. We all have our own experiences. I hope that what I am learning from my experiences can help others who have similar pain so they can find hope. Life is hard but God is good. He allows every one of us our agency to choose how we treat each other but he always provides a way to heal, not only from what we have done, but especially from what has been done to us.

A Voice
By Amy Tiare

The dragon’s voice

Spitting fire, spreading venom
Controlling, hurting
Overpowering my voice ‘til my voice no longer speaks
Have to appease the dragon
Wanting to be safe
Even the voice of a mouse can be too loud
‘Cause then the dragon can find me
So I leave
Find a new home away from the dragon
But the dragon’s words still find me
In the darkness of the night
In the quiet moments of the day
The dragon’s words still control
I try to speak, to rebuke the dragon
But there is no sound
There is no will
Only fear
Seeking
Digging within for the hidden words
A voice suddenly emerges
But not the voice I wanted
It is the dragon’s voice
Vicious, bitter, angry
No!!!!!
This is the voice I left
The voice I feared
But where do I run?
Where do I turn?
It comes from within
Confused, hurt
Surrendering
An image comes to mind
A lion stands
Bold, strong, true
The gentle summer’s breeze blowing his mane
His mouth opens and deep from within a sound is heard
Not mean or angry or vicious
But bold, strong, confident, fearless, powerful
As the sound intensifies
Something happens within me
From a very deep place, a very deep feeling
Reverberating, growing
The sound comes from my toes
Gathering strength and intensity
Travelling throughout my whole being until I can’t hold it back any longer
A roar
A roar like no other
Strong and bold as a lion
Yet calm as a summer’s breeze
My voice
My identity
Rebuking the dragon
Taking back what was once mine
Establishing boundaries
Speaking my truth
Standing in strength
Standing in peace
Coming alive
I have a voice

Faces of DV

The Faces of Domestic Violence

by Amy Tiare

You see me in the grocery store and you ask how my life is

I think, “I’m here to get away from my husband. His verbal abuse was more than I could take tonight.”

I smile and say, “Everything is fine.”

You see me in the park playing with my kids and ask how my day has gone

I think, “I can’t allow anyone to change my toddler’s diaper or they will find the bruises from their dad.”

I smile and say, “We’re happy to be at the park!”

You see me in church sitting with my husband and children

I think, “I hope I can hold back the tears so no one will ask me what’s wrong.”

I smile and sing the hymns of praise

You call me on the phone and ask how I am

I think, “I’ve lost all hope and I want to take my own life.”

I smile and say, “Oh, I’m fine. How are you?”

You come into my home and ask if there is anything you can do for me

I think, “Please, please, look into my eyes and see my pain!”

I smile and say, “No. I don’t need anything.”

You look into my eyes. You look deep into my soul.

I think, “No! NO! Please don’t see who I really am! I’m weak! I’ve lost myself! I have no power. . . Please, please, please, see what’s happening! Please, help me! Please, help me find a way out of this!!!”

I smile and say, “I can’t hide it anymore. Please help me out of this.”

You are surprised. You are shocked.

You think, “But you said everything was fine! You looked happy in church with your husband! You have been smiling every time I see you!”

You smile and say, “I’m here for you. Let’s get you some help.”

You see me in a domestic violence shelter and ask how I’m doing

I think, “Everything I have come to believe about myself is false and I’m having to redefine who I am.”

I smile and say, “I’m under construction.”

You see me out on my own, divorced, and struggling to support myself and my children

I think, “This is the hardest thing I have ever done! But I am free from the abuse and free to become who I want to be.”

I smile and say, “Thank you for seeing. Thank you for hearing. Thank you for giving me another option. Thank you for helping me take back my power.”

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Do you recognize the faces of domestic violence?