Dealing with Children

Today I learned something very important about myself that I want to change; I have no imagination when dealing with children. I helped out with the children in church today. Their music leader was on vacation so I was helping with the music. When we had the three to seven year olds there was a boy that had brought a couple of books, paper, and a pencil to Primary. He was being a bit distracting during the lesson as he fussed about where his pencil had gone as he moved all his stuff around on the floor. I reminded him multiple times to sit in his chair but it made him quite upset. The woman giving a lesson then taught me a very important lesson.

The woman went over to the boy and complimented him on the amazing books he had. She said they were so interesting looking that she was having a hard time teaching her lesson because she kept wanting to look at them. She suggested it might be helpful to her if maybe they could hide the books, that way she wouldn't be tempted to look at them when she should be teaching. He immediately offered that they could be stacked under his chair. She told him what a wonderful idea that was. They put them under his chair and he didn't touch them again until it was time to go to his class.

This woman treated him with such respect and kindness. There was no anger, controlling, or raising her voice. Some might say she was manipulating him, but in my eyes it was a very positive way to handle a potentially difficult situation.

I feel that I have become so concerned about getting through each day that I have lost all imagination. I have become so quick to raise my voice over years of my children not listening to me that I have forgotten to use daily experiences as teaching tools. Instead of asking, "How do you think we can solve this problem?" I take over to get things done quicker. I feel that there is so much they can learn, so many skills they can be taught, if I could show a little imagination in the situations that come up daily.

The thought of trying out this concept in my home makes me feel defeated before I even try. I have many excuses about how tired I am and how I have so many responsibilities already that adding this would only make life harder. Changing my parenting is like teaching an old dog new tricks; it is very difficult, although not impossible. But isn't the responsibility of teaching and raising my children the most important thing I have in my life? Isn't teaching my children coping skills, the value of work, respect of others, and kindness towards all of more value than doing everything my way all by myself to make sure they get done?

I know that it will be a challenge. I know that I will make many mistakes. I know that my patience will be tried. I also know that my love for my children will grow and hopefully they will be more capable people from this process.

How can you improve your parenting today?

Heavy Traffic, Construction, and Pouring Rain

We started off this morning with a real bang; lots of real bangs to be exact. We woke up to a severe thunderstorm and torrential rain. Boy, were we glad that we got all of Friday at Nauvoo without a drop of rain! We still had some things we wanted to do before heading home so we loaded up everyone in the car and drove to Carthage to the historical site of where the Prophet Joseph Smith and his brother Hyrum Smith were killed.

The tour of the jail was very emotional. I had been there before but that was before I ever had my own children. To think of the families left behind, heartbroken at the loss of their father or husband, was overwhelming. I thought of all the pain and persecution that Joseph Smith had suffered and it was as if a part of me could tune in to the experiences he had. At one point I almost fell over from the energy I felt by being in that place. Another feeling overcame me after that; a feeling of deep and inexpressible gratitude for those who gave so much so that I could have access to God’s truth. Joseph thought nothing of himself, only for God’s people and God's plan. He was a great example of standing up for what is right no matter the consequence. I am grateful that I was able to share that experience today with my children. I hope they will remember this day.

As we left Carthage, we were faced with pouring rain, a lot of traffic, and off and on construction across the entire state of Illinois. There was flooding almost all the way across the state, not only in the farm fields around us but even across the road in many places, causing us to have to slow down drastically so as not to lose control from hydroplaning. We saw two vehicles that lost control and went off the road shortly before we passed them. I was thinking that if all that wasn’t bad enough, it would be dark soon. Luckily for us, once we got to Indiana it stopped raining although we had even more construction and heavy traffic and ended up in the dark.

As I thought about our travels today it made me think that this day was very much an analogy for life. As we travel the road of life we are faced with many trials: torrential rain, heavy traffic, and construction, that slow us down and try to deter us from our destination. When we think that all that wasn’t bad enough, it then becomes dark. Once it is dark we are left to rely on small headlights to guide us through the darkness and rain. Sometimes it might even get so dark that the headlights cannot even be seen. Then we realize that from all the stress of the lightening and rain that at some point we closed our eyes and forgot to open them up again. We find that once our eyes are opened it is much easier to find the way to our desired destination.

I am so grateful for the lessons and the road travelled today. I am grateful to have shared this great trip with my family. I am very grateful that I get to sleep in my own bed with my own pillow tonight! And I am grateful that I have a loving Father in Heaven who I know watches out for me and keeps us safe in all the storms, and even when there are no storms. :)

Have you checked today to see if your eyes are open?

Site seeing with kids

I love seeing historical sites, listening to all the old stories, and seeing how people used to live. But I learned today that I am just not cut out for being a tourist with little kids. ;) My family and part of my sister's family are touring Old Nauvoo together. It is a Mormon pioneer village with lots of amazing things to see and learn. The kids are interested in lots of things but with my kids being 4, 7, 10, and 11 it is really hard to find things that make everyone happy.

Tonight there is an outdoor pagent. Hopefully everyone will be cooperative at that!

A very neat experience I had this morning was going to the Nauvoo Temple with my niece. The last time that I saw the Nauvoo Temple was when they had an open house before it was dedicated for worship. Once an LDS temple is dedicated then only members living certain standards can enter. It is a very sacred and special place where one can feel very close to God. I love being in the temple and  am so grateful that I was able to attend this morning.

As my patience is severley tested with site seeing with the kids, I need to remind myself about the peace I felt this morning! Hopefully the kids will walk away with good memories even though they are tired and cranky. ;)

What is your favorite memory of traveling with kids?

More Fun Please!

We spent over six hours driving today to Nauvoo, Illinois for a quick trip to some church historical sites and on the way we were discussing a community play that will be next summer and who we think should try out for different parts. My niece and nephew were just in the play, “Fiddler on the Roof.” It was so amazing to watch everyone perform that it made me kind of wish I could do something in the next play. As we talked about being in the next play it made me feel real excited! It seems so fun! I toyed with different ideas of being on the stage crew or being in the orchestra but I really don’t have enough skill (yet) for doing something like that.

We spent part of our evening tonight at a musical program by the Nauvoo visitor center. They had a band, singers, and dancers with comedy skits in between the numbers. It was so fun! When the cloggers came out on stage I wanted to get up and dance, too! The biggest problem with that idea is that I don’t know how to dance. Not even a little… I guess I did do a little swing and country dancing in my early twenties but I was never comfortable and that was a lifetime ago.

I think my soul is telling me that it is time to break out of my comfort zone and do some fun things. I am even contemplating learning how to dance. Lately when I see people dance I have such a longing to join them. I feel so awkward in my body that it scares me a lot, but I think I may be ready to face that fear. I just need to find a very patient and understanding partner to teach me because it doesn’t come natural to me!

My overall feeling today has been that it is important to have fun things to lighten the load of life. I need a whole lot more of that in my life!

What do you do for fun?

Balance

It is very easy for me to get distracted by unimportant things. And the more caught up I get in those things the easier it is to have feelings of depression or being down. I had a little extra time to myself these last couple of days as the kids have been gone. There was so much that needed to get done and yet I spent a lot of time on unimportant activities. The more time I spent on these things the more difficult it became to cope with the emotions that I was feeling. Today I was feeling really down and realized that it was because I was trying to escape rather than cope.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with entertainment as long as it is balanced with more productive things. Some things that help me cope are playing the piano, writing, taking a bath, baking desserts, or visiting my sister. Some of the things I turn to that tend to lead to feeling down are playing video games (yes, I play too many video games) or browsing the internet. I haven’t been allowing myself to play very many video games lately but these last couple of days I started playing again. I can’t believe how fast time passes while playing a game! Before I know it, it is past my bedtime and I haven’t gotten my chores done.

So how can I find balance? I think it is really important to set boundaries and stick to them. Normally we don’t turn on the xbox during the week and there is a time limit on the weekends. I don’t tend to have rules when my kids are gone so I think that setting boundaries and rules for myself is just as important as having them for my kids. Probably the most important thing for finding balance and staying out of depression is having goals. When I have projects that need to get done I tend to do better with staying positive. I had plenty I could have done these last few days but I chose to blow them off.

I do think that occasionally it is okay to just let everything slide and not worry about getting everything done as long as it doesn’t lead to feeling down. Maybe setting aside a couple of hours for being lazy or playing a game instead of letting the whole evening go by without being productive.

So I guess the thing that I learned about myself today is that I have to find ways to be productive or else I start feeling down and have a harder time coping with my stress. I learned that I need boundaries every day, not just when my kids are home. I also learned that gluten free cheesecake makes a really great dinner. That’s a secret I am going to keep from my kids, though. ;)

How do you spend your time when you are left alone?

Food

Right now I am eating a salad that has apple balsamic vinaigrette. That might not seem impressive or significant, but for a person whose childhood food consisted of grilled cheese sandwiches, cinnamon toast, and nacho cheese Doritos it is pretty amazing to be branching out and trying new foods. As a teenager trying new foods meant trying cool ranch Doritos instead of nacho cheese or putting mayonnaise on my sandwich instead of having it plain.

In my early twenties I decided I was way too picky about food. I had started eating a lot of salads but always had ranch dressing on them. One year I made a new year’s resolution that I would try a different dressing every time I ate a salad. Wow! I never knew so many flavors existed! I didn’t like everything that I tried, but I discovered many new amazing tastes.

Trying new foods is not always enjoyable, like the time I finally gave in and tried shrimp. My mouth and throat immediately started to swell up and feel real funny. I didn’t have to go to the hospital but decided that I would never eat shrimp again! That experience has made me a little nervous about new foods but mostly just sea food. People always assume that because I grew up in Alaska that I love sea food but I mostly stay away from it. I am okay with eating halibut and occasionally salmon but never liked clams or other things I tried. Some things I haven’t tried but just can’t bring myself to, like crab. But there is much more to food than just sea food!

Trying new food can be like standing on the edge of a cliff getting ready to jump off. You are hoping that you will be able to fly but always know that there is a chance you will plummet to the earth. That sounds really extreme! Haha! But that is how it has always felt for me. I have my safe foods that make me feel happy, like Tillamook medium cheddar cheese, and there are many questionable foods that I just don’t know until I try them. Then there is shrimp, the food that makes me plummet to the earth. Hopefully I won’t find anymore foods like that!

What foods make you feel happy?

Coping with Stress

Today I was in a position where I had to summarize in an hours time the experiences of my marriage and divorce and the affect it has had on me and my children. How do you put thirteen years of the most traumatic time of your life into a quick synopsis like that?! It was difficult as I relayed some of the most painful things that have not been revealed to more than a couple of people. At one point the person I was talking to looked at me and said, “How do you cope with all of this?”

I answered that I had my church, my family, the shelter that helped me leave, counselors, and a few close friends that I met along the way. Since leaving that meeting I have continued to ponder that question, “How do you cope with all of this?” When I really look closely at the last thirteen years, the biggest thing that has helped me cope and kept me going each day is the hope that I have in Jesus Christ and the healing that can come from drawing upon the powers of the atonement.

But how does one access the powers of the atonement? I think that the process might be slightly different for each person. I realized early on in the divorce process that when I felt anger or judgment that it made it impossible to feel the love from the Savior. I consciously worked each day on letting go and working through the pain and anger I felt. The more I let go, the more I was capable of feeling the light and love from the Savior.

One of the things that helped me in the process was listening to good, uplifting music. I listened to a lot of Christian music, mainly the group Mercy River and the artist Hilary Weeks as well as hymns and children’s hymns. As I filled my mind with positive, happy music it helped me to feel and recognize the hand of God in my life and feel his love.

Other things that helped me were going for walks, meditating, visiting with my sister and her family, and finding a goal to work toward. One goal I had was to do an obstacle course with my kids. We had so much fun doing that together. Looking for positive things in life made it more possible to feel God’s love.

I am so grateful to those people who have been with me throughout this experience. I am so grateful for the love I have felt from God. I have been so blessed through all of my life, especially these last thirteen years. Though life is nothing like I had imagined, I have learned much about myself and about the love of God. For that I am eternally grateful.

How do you cope with the struggles in your life?