Explaining to my children what was going on was difficult because I didn't feel I should say anything negative to them about their dad. At the time they were 8, 6, 4, and 11 months. We did talk about the scary things they had personally experienced but I didn't share what happened between their dad and me. They transitioned fairly well, but every second of the day and night I worried about them and how to best help and support them.
During my stay at the shelter I met with the counselor several times a week. During one of our visits she asked me a question that completely changed who I was and how I looked at myself. Others might wonder how her question could have caused such a stir in me, it was so simple in nature, but it was very significant in my progression. She asked me, "Amy, what are you doing to take care of you?" I stared at her blankly for longer than I probably should have. After the shock of the question wore off, many thoughts quickly shot through my mind. "What am I doing for me?! I'm worried about whether I'm going to live through the day and I'm supposed to be doing something for me?! I have to keep my children alive! I have to find a way to support my family without help! I'm so scared that I have to consciously will myself to breathe so I don't pass out! What am I doing to take care of myself?!"
I finally answered with something along the lines of I was there in the shelter and that is what I was doing to take care of myself. She encouraged me to find something to do each day that would nourish myself. I said I would and took that goal very seriously.
It seems to be the nature of a woman to look after others needs first before her own. It doesn't take domestic violence for a person to lose themself in the caring of others and keeping a household functioning. In the case of domestic violence, it is a common experience to have a total loss of identity and self worth. Such was the case with me. By the time I ended up at the shelter, I felt utterly and completely worthless in all areas of my life except my work. Professionally I was a massage therapist. I felt that while working I had a purpose. I helped other people with their pain and problems. I made their lives better and I was good at it. But I only worked a couple of hours a day and that feeling of purpose did not carry through to my home life. At that time of moving into the shelter I only lived for my children. I wanted them to have a better life and they would only get that if I lived long enough to provide it for them.
So I began asking myself the same question the counselor asked me. "Amy, what are you doing for you today?" At first I thought this was a selfish question. I should be thinking of others before myself. But then I remembered being told at some point in my life that if I gave all I had then I would have nothing left to give. I needed to find a way to fill myself back up.
Throughout my life and in dealing with the normal trials that come with living, I had become a very spiritual person, spending much time in scripture study and prayer. I made sure during our stay at the shelter to include these things in my family's daily life. I also played hymns all night long in our room to help calm all of us. When we moved into our own place, we continued these practices. It helped a lot but there was more I needed in order to take care of myself. I prayed a lot about what to do and how to heal and nourish myself.
After establishing my family in our own apartment, I continued to see the counselor at the shelter. On one of our visits she told me that the shelter wanted to expand the classes they offered to their clients and wanted to know if I would be willing to help out. She explained that as they thought about who could teach my name immediately came to her mind. She said she didn't even know what I could teach but with my background in massage she hoped I could do some sort of class on self care. I love to teach so I agreed to come up with some ideas for classes.
While contemplating what I could possibly have to offer, I was reminded of a program called Capacitar that offered free information of what they call "emergency kits" for dealing with stress and trauma. The emergency kit is a free download that shows some tai chi, fingerholds for balancing emotions, a little acupressure, and some other amazing self healing techniques that are easy to use. They offered a training course in how to teach the Capacitar techniques not far from where I lived. I told the shelter about the program and they asked me if I would take the training and go back and teach the women there. I took the training and finally found something that worked for me that I could do anytime to nourish and heal myself. For the past two and a half years I have returned to the shelter at least once a month to teach the women there these wonderful techniques as well as other things I have learned to help deal with stress.
The more I teach self healing techniques, the more I learn how to care for myself. I'm not perfect at it, but it has completely changed my life and who I am. I have learned that I am worth taking care of. As I fill myself up, I have more to offer to my children and those around me. I find that the more I teach, the more I use the techniques for myself. Such a simple concept, to nourish oneself, yet such a difficult habit to establish. I am eternally grateful to that counselor who asked such a simple yet profound question of me that day.
What are you doing today to nourish yourself?
http://capacitar.org/emergency_kits.html
During my stay at the shelter I met with the counselor several times a week. During one of our visits she asked me a question that completely changed who I was and how I looked at myself. Others might wonder how her question could have caused such a stir in me, it was so simple in nature, but it was very significant in my progression. She asked me, "Amy, what are you doing to take care of you?" I stared at her blankly for longer than I probably should have. After the shock of the question wore off, many thoughts quickly shot through my mind. "What am I doing for me?! I'm worried about whether I'm going to live through the day and I'm supposed to be doing something for me?! I have to keep my children alive! I have to find a way to support my family without help! I'm so scared that I have to consciously will myself to breathe so I don't pass out! What am I doing to take care of myself?!"
I finally answered with something along the lines of I was there in the shelter and that is what I was doing to take care of myself. She encouraged me to find something to do each day that would nourish myself. I said I would and took that goal very seriously.
It seems to be the nature of a woman to look after others needs first before her own. It doesn't take domestic violence for a person to lose themself in the caring of others and keeping a household functioning. In the case of domestic violence, it is a common experience to have a total loss of identity and self worth. Such was the case with me. By the time I ended up at the shelter, I felt utterly and completely worthless in all areas of my life except my work. Professionally I was a massage therapist. I felt that while working I had a purpose. I helped other people with their pain and problems. I made their lives better and I was good at it. But I only worked a couple of hours a day and that feeling of purpose did not carry through to my home life. At that time of moving into the shelter I only lived for my children. I wanted them to have a better life and they would only get that if I lived long enough to provide it for them.
So I began asking myself the same question the counselor asked me. "Amy, what are you doing for you today?" At first I thought this was a selfish question. I should be thinking of others before myself. But then I remembered being told at some point in my life that if I gave all I had then I would have nothing left to give. I needed to find a way to fill myself back up.
Throughout my life and in dealing with the normal trials that come with living, I had become a very spiritual person, spending much time in scripture study and prayer. I made sure during our stay at the shelter to include these things in my family's daily life. I also played hymns all night long in our room to help calm all of us. When we moved into our own place, we continued these practices. It helped a lot but there was more I needed in order to take care of myself. I prayed a lot about what to do and how to heal and nourish myself.
After establishing my family in our own apartment, I continued to see the counselor at the shelter. On one of our visits she told me that the shelter wanted to expand the classes they offered to their clients and wanted to know if I would be willing to help out. She explained that as they thought about who could teach my name immediately came to her mind. She said she didn't even know what I could teach but with my background in massage she hoped I could do some sort of class on self care. I love to teach so I agreed to come up with some ideas for classes.
While contemplating what I could possibly have to offer, I was reminded of a program called Capacitar that offered free information of what they call "emergency kits" for dealing with stress and trauma. The emergency kit is a free download that shows some tai chi, fingerholds for balancing emotions, a little acupressure, and some other amazing self healing techniques that are easy to use. They offered a training course in how to teach the Capacitar techniques not far from where I lived. I told the shelter about the program and they asked me if I would take the training and go back and teach the women there. I took the training and finally found something that worked for me that I could do anytime to nourish and heal myself. For the past two and a half years I have returned to the shelter at least once a month to teach the women there these wonderful techniques as well as other things I have learned to help deal with stress.
The more I teach self healing techniques, the more I learn how to care for myself. I'm not perfect at it, but it has completely changed my life and who I am. I have learned that I am worth taking care of. As I fill myself up, I have more to offer to my children and those around me. I find that the more I teach, the more I use the techniques for myself. Such a simple concept, to nourish oneself, yet such a difficult habit to establish. I am eternally grateful to that counselor who asked such a simple yet profound question of me that day.
What are you doing today to nourish yourself?
http://capacitar.org/emergency_kits.html
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