Freedom

Three years ago today I made a decision that drastically changed my life: I took my four young children and moved into a homeless shelter for women escaping domestic violence. I had been married for just a little over nine years and was just beginning to admit that life was not at all what I had dreamed it would be. For years I had defended my husband's anger by describing him as "passionate" and had excused, even justified, his poor treatment of both me and the children. For a long time I didn't believe, or couldn't admit, that what I was experiencing was abuse. We were just a struggling couple dealing with normal marriage issues. I was just making a big deal out of things. I wasn't seeing clearly. Those were all things that I told myself, much of it based of what he told me.

Then I began counseling with someone who worked specifically with domestic violence. She showed me a power point that talked about the many forms of abuse (physical, psychological, sexual, verbal, etc.) and how that abuse manifests in a relationship. There was a list of roughly ten different ways abuse manifests in each of the different forms of abuse. As I read through those lists, my heart nearly stopped beating. My husband did at least eight out of the ten things, or all ten, in every category with the exception of physical abuse. I had believed that since he wasn't hitting me that what I was experiencing wasn't categorized as abuse.

As I talked with the counselor she could complete every one of my sentences and could describe him and how he treated me with exactness. I was shocked! How could she understand me so well when what I was experiencing was unique to me? How did she know what I was feeling and experiencing when I was all alone in this experience? The answer was because I wasn't really alone. I was experiencing what one out of every four women in the United States experiences in relationships. I was experiencing domestic violence.

When I left my husband, I was told by people to keep quiet about it, don't make a scene, don't do or say anything that might cause my husband to have problems with his job or his future. So for the next two years as we went through a nasty and terribly painful divorce, I remained quiet. My support system shrank drastically to only a couple of trusted people. People I had loved and trusted while married pulled away from me and sometimes shunned me as they were told many lies about me and why I had left. I had been counseled not to try to defend myself because that would cause contention so I stayed quiet to most people, hoping that over time people would be able to see the truth in the situation. I was judged harshly, and at times persecuted, for my decision to leave the marriage.

For the last three years I have felt very hindered in my ability to talk about my experience. I have no desire to hurt my ex-husband or his family and don't want my sharing to cause anyone to judge them. As I have worked towards healing my life and healing my heart there is much I have learned about myself and life that I have a great desire to share. I have come to realize that there are many, many women out there who have experienced similar feelings to me but don't know how to express them. At this time I desire to share my thoughts and feelings as I have searched and continue to search for who I am.

While married I shut down the true me in order to survive. Now that I am out of the abuse I am experiencing a wonderful kind of freedom, a freedom to become. As I grow and become my true self, I hope I can share some things that will help others on their own journey to become. Join me on this exciting journey to self!