Sadness

I wish there was a manual that came with life called, “The Many Faces and Stages of Your Emotions.” Right now I would be pouring over the section for emotions you will feel after divorcing an abusive spouse, giving particular attention to the subsection for what you will feel when your ex gets remarried. I am pretty sure the main emotion it would talk about would be sadness, as that is what I am experiencing right now.

Emotions can be so confusing. Since filing for divorce, I never once reconsidered going back to the marriage, but the six months of separation before filing were filled with times when I tried to figure out how we could work things out and remain a family. All I wanted was for him to be nice to me and the children and for us to be a happy family. Emotions were like a rollercoaster at that time. As his disrespect of me increased, even with knowing that it was a trial time to see if we could work things out, it became clear to me that God would not want me to continue to be treated so poorly, so the final decision was made.

And yet for the last week since he got remarried the overwhelming feeling I have experienced is sadness. After having spent the week trying to understand why I have felt this way I felt writing would help me to process these emotions.

Yesterday my children went to spend the weekend with their dad. We had a talk before their visit about how things would be different with having a stepmom. I explained to them that things in our home would stay the same; that I would still pick them up on Sunday evening, I would still love them and always be here for them. I also told them that having a stepmom meant that they would have one more person in their lives to love them and care for them. Then I surprised myself by telling them that oftentimes children who have divorced parents secretly hope that their parents will get back together but having one parent get remarried means that they can’t get back together and that can cause a lot of emotions for the child.

Even though I have never considered getting back together with their dad since the divorce, I believe that some of my sadness is coming from the fact that we never will be a family again. The sadness is more from the loss of what could have been rather than from the loss of what we had. There were moments of happiness as a family, and I will always treasure those, but the overall daily experience was not something to be sad about losing. This is where emotions get so confusing. Why would I be sad about not being a family with him? Because I had given myself to him, I had promised my life to him, I bore his children. I had believed that if I prayed hard enough and did the best I could each day that things would changed and we could be happy together. But that didn’t happen. The sadness is from losing the possibility of having the ideal. Ideally, children should grow up in a two parent home with parents who love each other and them. So some of the sadness is for my children not being able to have the ideal.

Never have I had the desire to be a single parent. Having been a single parent for three years now, I would never wish the experience on anyone. And yet the challenging experience of being a single parent has been so much better than having to deal with the abuse on a daily basis. That is where some of the sadness comes from, as well. I feel sad that my life is better without the father of my children in my life. That is not how I envisioned my life to be. When I got married, I knew there would be challenges along the way, but I always felt that with God we would be able to get through anything. We loved each other, we shared the same religion, we seemed to have the same goals in life. I truly thought we would always be together. I feel sad that it is better (safer) for me and the children to not be with him.

Wikipedia describes sadness as “emotional pain associated with, or characterized by feelings of disadvantage, loss, despair, helplessness, disappointment and sorrow. An individual experiencing sadness may become quiet or lethargic, and withdraw themselves from others. Crying is often an indication of sadness.”

I definitely have been feeling emotional pain, but it has not been all consuming. I feel a great loss. I definitely feel disappointment and sorrow. And yes, I have felt like crying a lot. But I don’t feel the despair or helplessness anymore. I did at first. They were so overwhelming when I left the marriage that I wasn’t sure if I could continue living. But the despair has now given way to hope. The helplessness has given way to personal power. As I continually discover who I am, there is hope that each day can be better than the last.

Emotions are funny things. Yes, I feel a deep sadness right now. But I also feel an excitement, an anticipation for the future. I am not trapped in my life anymore. I do not have to be held back because of the man I am with. I have freedom to become whoever I choose to be. And that is nothing to be sad about!

What emotions have you struggled with in your life this week?