Why I Write

One of the first things I was told when I chose to leave my marriage was to “keep quiet” and “don’t make a scene.” I followed this counsel very strictly for a long time. I felt such a need to “keep the peace” and “not make waves.” But there was something inside of me that was telling me that this was not okay. Sweeping my experience under the carpet has been the most common reaction when I have tried to share what I went through.

So I ask myself this question, “Why do I feel the need to share my experience? Why don’t I just ‘move on’ and forget that any of the abuse ever happened?” This question has been very dominant in my mind for quite some time. There are two main reasons that I have come up with.

When I was still trying to make the decision to leave the abuse, I was faced with the challenge of how to truly leave. I had no resources and needed assurance of my children’s and my safety. I was given the option of moving into a shelter for people escaping domestic violence. At the time I still couldn’t clearly see what I was experiencing and felt that I didn’t belong in a domestic violence shelter. Those shelters were for women who were physically beaten, had been hospitalized, or their abuser was in jail. I didn’t fit in with them. I was “just” verbally and psychologically abused, or at least that was all I could admit to at that moment.

One day, while trying to decide what to do, I was pleading with God to know what was right. How could I protect my children? How could I save my family? What was I supposed to do? I felt that I needed to use the services of the shelter, which caused much crying and pleading with the Lord. I don’t belong there! How can I justify going there? How could I admit to what I have been experiencing in such a humiliating way? When it really came down to it, if I went to the shelter I would be admitting to myself that what I had experienced was real. After years of minimalizing the abuse I would finally be coming out of the dark and admitting to the truth of my life. I just wasn’t sure that I felt strong enough to do that.

While pleading with God at that time, I saw a scene in my mind’s eye. The scene was of me teaching at the shelter. I didn’t know what I was teaching, but I knew that the reason the women were listening to me and benefiting from my class was because they knew that I had been where they were. They knew that I was speaking from experience. I could help them because I got help and learned from my experience. At that moment I knew that God had a mission for me. He wanted me to heal and then help others who were in a similar situation to what I had experienced. That is the first reason that I have chosen to write this blog.

The second reason I have chosen to write about my experiences is a little bit harder to put into words. In order to explain it, I need to explain a little about my philosophy of why we are here on this earth living this life.

I grew up being taught that this life is a test and that we were here to see if we could “pass the test” and make it back to God. I have always struggled with this way of thinking. I don’t like tests. They make me uncomfortable and stressed. After much study and prayer I have come up with a different way of thinking. In the end, it is basically the same concept but worded differently.

I believe that we all have the potential, through the atonement of Christ, to become like God. I believe He is literally the father of our spirits and that He wants for us to become our greatest potential. This life is a time for us to find and work through all of our weaknesses so that we can be our best selves. Every part of our personality that is not god-like needs to be worked through and either changed or eliminated from our being. We cannot be like God if we are caught up in the ways of the natural man. Our purpose in being here is to overcome our weaknesses and the natural man that is within each of us.

Truly looking at ourselves means not sweeping things under the carpet. One of the biggest problems with domestic violence is that, more often than not, it is hidden, pushed aside, not talked about. And when people choose to talk about it they are harshly judged even though they were the victim of the abuse. I’m not saying that we should be broadcasting the details of our personal lives, but we should be able to get help, find hope, and be given an opportunity to heal.

I write so that people will know what domestic violence looks like so they will give themselves permission to seek help. I have no intention of seeking revenge on my ex-husband. I do not write to shame him, hurt him, or hurt his chances of having a new life. My writing has nothing to do with him. My writing has to do with me processing my pain and showing others that there is hope for a better life and that they don’t have to hide. It is okay to honestly look at a relationship and see it for what it is. How else will anything ever change? If we keep hiding the truth of what is happening behind closed doors then we will never be able to stop the cycle of abuse.

This month is about raising awareness. That is what I’m seeking to do. While living in the abuse I couldn’t see clearly what was happening. Now that I am out of it I am horrified by what I lived through. We don’t have to live our lives in fear! We don’t have to live our lives in pain! There is hope! There are organizations and people who can help us! We must stop this cycle of domestic violence and abuse! And the only way to do that is to talk about it.

That is why I write.