Domestic Violence Awareness Month

The life I had dreamed of was suddenly in view

A husband, a house, children in the future

I changed my life, I changed my name

I chose to step into a new world with him

But something wasn’t quite right

It started with little things

Comparing me to his mother and to woman in the media

I couldn’t do anything right

“Why aren’t you like other women?’ I was asked repeatedly

Embarrassed, I began to withdraw

I withdrew from my friends, my family, my self

I didn’t want anyone to know I was a failure as a wife

The world saw my happy face while inside I was crying

His anger got worse all the time

Always angry, always volatile, always someone else’s fault

Living in fear, trying to keep the children from setting him off

Whatever it takes to keep him from getting angry

Hiding the children from the public eye while bruises healed

Trying to be whatever he wants in order to protect myself

Slowly, the woman I once was died more and more each day

Depression, regret, pain, grief, sadness

All a part of daily life

But still putting on a happy face to the world

No one can know

But people do know

Some people recognize the signs and try to reach out

I defend him, justify his behavior, attempt to squash the idea that my marriage isn’t ideal

While inside I’m screaming for help, wishing someone would rescue me

Praying for death but afraid of leaving the children with him

Wanting to leave but feeling that it would be impossible

How could I possibly take care of my family on my own?

What would my church think of me if I left?

My children needed their father, needed a two parent home

I couldn’t break the covenant of marriage

It wasn’t really that bad

But it was

I was living in a nightmare and felt there was no way to wake up

Maybe if I prayed harder, maybe I just needed more faith

If I just read my scriptures more and prayed more than things would change

But they didn’t

I got in trouble for how much time I spent on those things

Everything I did and tried was turned against me

I searched and searched for a reason to stay until that day finally came

The day when the fear and pain of staying finally became worse than the fear and pain of leaving

I literally thought that I would die if I left

But I was already dying while staying

I couldn’t do it for even one more day

I couldn’t witness my children’s abuse for another moment

So we left

I didn’t want to make him angry

I didn’t want to hurt his chances to change and have a future

Mostly I feared making him angry

So I only told people who had to know what was going on

I kept quiet as much as possible about the why’s of leaving

Many people judged me

I lost many friends

My circle of support was extremely small

But it was enough

The hardest thing I ever did was leave my marriage

I thought I left because I was weak

I was so embarrassed

But I soon came to know that I left because I was strong

I chose to protect my family

I chose to stand up for myself

With very little support I was able to walk away from abuse and choose a new life

And it didn’t take long to find a new support system that was stronger than I had had before

Nothing in this situation is easy

Nothing is ideal

Every single day is a challenge

But it is so much better than the life of abuse we use to live each day

Now my children and I can become who we want to become

Now we can live without the fear

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

One in four women experience domestic violence in their life

They don’t choose domestic violence

They don’t choose abuse

And most don’t know how to get out

If you or someone you know is caught in the vicious cycle of abuse, please get help

thehotline.org is an excellence resource to turn to

Their 24/7 hotline is 1-800-799-7233

There is life after domestic violence

Life can become worth living once again