Facing Forty

This week I turned forty… Age has never bothered me before. I have always looked forward to growing older and moving through life’s experiences. I have always wanted to look back on my life and see all the trials that are over and done with. I have always celebrated and been excited about birthdays. But this year has been different. About a month ago I suddenly realized that I was completely dissatisfied with my life. For a few weeks I could even say that I hated my life. The stress was overwhelming me. I felt I was drowning in just the normal everyday things. I realized that I no longer felt any happiness in the things that use to bring me happiness. I was depressed…

Throughout my life I have suffered at times from situational depression but this was different. This was all consuming and it wasn’t going away.  I had to force myself to get out of bed, to fix meals for my kids, to go to work. I could barely do the required things. What little housework I had been doing stopped. The heaviness was consuming me. The one thing in my life that always gave me purpose, my work, even became difficult for me. I began to question whether I even wanted to continue being a massage therapist. I felt that I was such a mess, what right did I have trying to help other people?

One morning, when I was on the brink of closing my practice, my sister and I were working together on a client. I was doing a technique I had learned through my Craniosacral training called Somato-emotional Release. I was feeling so inadequate to provide this woman with what she needed in order to get through her struggles. I knew that I couldn’t facilitate her healing without God’s help so I was praying, and praying, and praying that somehow my training would pull through for this woman and God would step in and complete the healing.

When we completed the session, the woman suddenly asked if she could pray for us. We told her of course. She held our hands and began pouring out her soul to God, thanking him for bringing my sister and I into her life. Then this woman, who had no knowledge of our personal lives, began to plead with God to help us in our personal lives that we would have what we needed and we would feel God’s love for us. All of us were crying and the Holy Spirit was so strong it was palpable. When this sweet woman left the office, I looked at my sister and said, “I guess I can’t quit doing this work.”

Now I knew that I couldn’t quit my work but I still felt depressed and didn’t know how to keep going. I prayed and asked God to help me but wasn’t quite sure that I believed He would. I kept going through the motions but still couldn’t find my smile. That’s when I went to an event sponsored by Deseret Book called, Time Out For Women. At Time Out, there are speakers and musicians who publish through Deseret Book who present a program filled with inspirational talks and music. This year there was a musician that I had not heard before named Calee Reed. She sang a song that changed my life. It is entitled, Cleanse You. You can listen to it on youtube at this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZFpoijqBGY

When Calee Reed was performing this song I couldn’t stop crying. It spoke to my soul and brought me comfort. The words that struck me the most were these:

Why did you lead me here to this uncharted sea

Did you bring me here just to drown me

What if I didn’t bring you here to drown you but to cleanse you

He whispers

I bought her cd and played this song over and over again every day. I looked back over this depressed time of my life and realized that many times I had accused God of trying to drown me. I would ask, “Why won’t you deliver me? Why are you making me go through this?” When I am not consumed in my self pity these questions are never asked. I don’t really believe that God “makes us” have bad experiences. I believe that He allows life to happen, allows our own free will and other people’s free will to create our lives. I also believe that He ALWAYS provides a way to heal and provides a way to escape. That healing and escape can come in any number of ways. For me it came in the form of a song.

God wasn’t trying to drown me! He was trying to cleanse me! He didn’t make the storm but He could use the storm to heal me, cleanse me, and make me a better person, if I would allow it. For some reason, this song caused the heaviness to lift. I guess it helped me change my perspective. I am still going through the same struggles today that I have been for a long time, but today I am not weighed down like I was. I still haven’t found all the answers to my problems, but today I feel God’s love and support. When I was focused on the storm I couldn't see or feel God. But when I looked up, I realized He had been there the whole time, waiting with outstretched arms to help me.

A few weeks ago I felt that life had robbed me of joy and I had nothing to live for. Today I take back my power that I threw away to circumstances and choose to live. Turning forty doesn’t have to represent a life of unfulfilled dreams and being a victim. Turning forty means that I have fought a good fight and now I can really live! This year I choose adventure, personal growth, and smiles. This is a new day, and a new year of my life. Today I live!

You can't tell from the picture, but it was raining. It rained all day on my birthday. So I went outside and threw my arms up to the sky and let the rain fall on me. I don't need to hide from the rain, I can let it cleanse me!