Forgiveness

Dear X,

This month would have been our fourteenth wedding anniversary. Instead it is our three year divorce anniversary. I don’t know that I will ever get used to that word, “divorce.” It seems so foreign, like something you would only see on a movie or TV show but never experience in real life. If someone would have told me twenty years ago that I would be divorced I would have said they were crazy. That could never happen to me! Yet here we are, three years post-divorce.

As gifts are often given to celebrate anniversaries, I have a gift that I would like to give to you. It is a gift that is long overdue and a gift that I hope someday you can also give.

X, even though it has been three years since the divorce was legally finalized, I have continued to be plagued with memories, both good and bad, of our time together. I have continued to have hope of things changing as well as feelings of betrayal when things don’t. I have felt grief at the loss of what we could have had at the same time as rejoicing at not having to be in the struggle and pain experienced when we were together. Overall, I guess I have come to realize that even though we are divorced, you are still affecting me and how I live. That is why I have decided it is time for me to forgive you.

In case you misunderstand my gift, I would like to explain what forgiveness means, and doesn’t mean, to me. My own understanding of forgiveness has changed greatly over time, especially these last few years.

The most simple example of forgiveness that comes to mind is when one of our children hurts another one, we tell the offending child to say, “I’m sorry,” and the hurt child is supposed to say, “That’s okay,” and then they hug and move on like nothing ever happened. There are many things wrong with this example of forgiveness, but it is probably how most people experience their first trials of “forgiving” others. The thing I don’t like about this example is that it leaves the mistaken impression that when someone has said they are sorry, we are supposed to pretend that nothing ever happened. The Lord said that when we repent, He will remember our sins no more but He never said that when we forgive that we are to forget everything that happened to us. On the contrary! He has repeatedly told us, even commanded us, to remember. Why are we supposed to remember? Because that is the only way that we can learn and keep from repeating the same mistakes over and over again.

So for me, forgiveness does NOT mean forgetting.

Another misconception about forgiving is that when we forgive someone we immediately trust them. It is often believed that that is what “true” forgiveness means. So if someone breaks into my house and molests my daughter, would that mean that I would have to invite the perpetrator over to my house for dinner in order to show that I have truly forgiven them? Obviously not. I can fully and completely (over time) forgive the perpetrator and still never allow them contact with my family again.

So for me, forgiveness does NOT mean trusting.

If forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or trusting, then what DOES it mean??

A dear friend once told me, “Forgiveness is giving up ALL hope of a better past. I can’t change the past, can’t change other people. I CAN choose whether I let my abuser continue to hurt me by allowing their past words and actions to affect me now.” So today I am choosing to give up hope of us having a better past. X, we can’t change the past. What has been done has been done. But right now, in this moment, I am choosing to no longer allow our past together to hurt me. You no longer have power over me.

Does giving up all hope of a better past mean that I will forget all that has happened? No. There is no way I can ever forget what took place between us. There is no way I can ever forget how I felt when we were together. Our experience together changed me. It changed me forever. I can never go back to who I once was. And, in all honesty, I wouldn’t want to. I have learned a great deal from the last fourteen years. Things I could have never learned with anyone else. I want to take all of this knowledge and experience and use it to better myself and help others. I will never forget, but I will forgive.

My own definition of forgiveness is to no longer allow the past to have power over the now. In reality, forgiveness isn’t about you or for you. Forgiveness is for me. I am the one being hurt when I don’t forgive and I am the one able to heal when I do forgive. Forgiving you does not excuse your past behavior or make what you have done okay. I will not be inviting you over for dinner or having any contact other than what is court ordered to have happen. I will, however, be taking back my power and letting go of all negativity.

At this moment I actually feel that I need to thank you. You have shown me parts of myself that I never knew existed. You have given me opportunity to learn how to stand up for myself, something I didn’t have the ability to do when I was younger. You have taught me what I do and do not want in future relationships. You have given me experience that has helped me to more clearly define who and what I am. So, thank you! Thank you for all these years of learning and growth. I anticipate that I will be able to continue to learn for many years from the time we spent together. You have given me a great gift.

There is a Sanskrit word that I would like to share with you. Loosely translated it means, “The highest and best in me sees and honors the highest and best in you.” The word is: Namaste. I feel a need to say this to you. You have been a great teacher.

X, I forgive you.

Namaste