Alaska

Have you ever experienced such incredible joy that your complete body and soul is overcome to the point of tears and weakness of physical strength? I never had until this week. The first time it happened was when my mom, my children, and myself were driving from Anchorage, Alaska down to my hometown of Homer. I had not been to Alaska in fourteen years.

That last time I was in Alaska was very significant to me. My purpose in being there was to help my dad pack up his and my mom’s cabin and drive down the Alcan (Alaska Canada Highway) to move them to Washington State. That meant that I would have no more family in Homer where I had lived from age six to seventeen. Also, while helping pack, I had a very distinct impression that I needed to prepare myself because I would be moving soon. Several weeks after returning from my trip I was proposed to and several months later was married, spiraling me down a path of almost completely losing myself and my identity.

The last couple of years have been spent trying to repair the damage received and experienced during that marriage. I have prayed, searched, and pleaded to find my true self. I have changed my name in order to be set free from the bondage and control. I have attempted to find my dimples that only show while smiling.

A few months ago I was informed that my original high school class would be having their twenty year high school reunion this July. I didn’t actually graduate with that class but had attended school with them for most of my schooling. I was invited by one of my old classmates to attend the reunion but didn’t think there would be any way possible for me to attend. My sister found out about the reunion and secretly started a fundraiser to help me and my children to make the trip. Once I found out about it I had to make plans to go because people had donated money for that cause and I would feel guilty using that money for anything else. Being overwhelmed by the thought of traveling alone with four children I asked my mom to come with us. She gladly accepted my invitation and we got our tickets.

Alaska has always been a place of healing for me. The air is so pure, the land such a high vibration. It just feels so good to be there. When people say, “Go to your happy place,” I always picture Alaska. More specifically, I picture the view driving into Homer. I hoped that by returning, I would be able to connect to that healing space and remember who I am.

This week we finally were able to make the trip. As we drove out of Anchorage I was flooded with happy memories and overcome by the beauty of the land and sea. Looking out the window I became so overwhelmed by joy that I began to weep quietly. We stopped at many places that I remember visiting as a kid and continued to experience those feelings of awe and joy. The mountains and water soothed my soul and calmed my spirit.

When we finally reached the lookout above Homer, looking out at Kachemak Bay, I felt that I was finally home. I wanted to drink in everything in sight, making it a permanent part of who I am. Words cannot describe adequately the feelings I experienced.

The next day we spent walking on the beach, letting the children gather seashells and rocks and splash in the water. The weather was perfect! That evening I left my children with my mom and went to my high school reunion. I spent several hours talking to people who I hadn’t seen in twenty years! People who didn’t know me during my marriage. People who still thought of me as the basketball playing, book reading, Darling girl (my maiden name is Darling). I had so much fun!

After the reunion, I drove around town a little bit, thinking and pondering. It was nearly midnight but still light. I stopped by Beluga lake where we used to ice skate in the winter and walked to the water’s edge. There was an indescribable feeling inside that caused me to think that God had something to say to me. I quietly meditated and prayed. The thought came into my mind, “I love you, Amy. I love you for who you are.” I silently asked if maybe I should move back here, since I felt so good being here. The thought came, “You can live wherever you desire. I will love and accept you. I do have a work for you, if you choose. You get to choose.” I knew right away that I needed to return back to Indiana. Being in Homer, Alaska was a wonderful and great thing. I could recharge my soul and enjoy every minute of my trip. In the end, I had a life and a mission to help others on their healing path.

I am so grateful for the opportunity to visit my hometown. I am so grateful to all the people who made it possible for me to make this trip. I am so grateful to God for being patient with me and giving me what I need, when I truly need it. This life may be challenging and difficult, but there is so much beauty to enjoy and joy to be had. And that joy can be strong enough to bring happy tears and weaken the physical body. Thank you, God, for this amazing world and a life to live!